


May We Find Peace

by PrincessGleam



Series: May We Find Peace [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Blood and Injury, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Drug reference, F/M, Gen, Good Loki (Marvel), Guilt, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury Recovery, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Loki Is Good, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Minor Malnourishment, Multi, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, Poisoning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, by thanos, canon divergence with mcu plot elements, he was tortured and manipulated, heart trouble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-08-28 17:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 66,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16727907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessGleam/pseuds/PrincessGleam
Summary: A year has passed since the battle of New York, a year since Thor brought Loki to Asgard, and a year since he returned to join the team on Earth. In that year, Thor opened up to Tony and later Bruce about not feeling like something was right in regards to his brother and the trio worked together to find answers. As more information was gathered and it became clear that it wasn't exactly Loki that attacked New York of his own free will, they gained the help of Genevieve Fair (OC), the resident medic at Avengers Tower who offered to be available where she could. Solid in their discoveries, Thor returned to Asgard to free his brother where he assumed he was just serving a solitary sentence in a cell for the rest of his days. Returning three days later, Tony and the others were unprepared for the state Loki was in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i finally got around to starting to write my own full-length marvel fanfic after years of ideas and all that rolling in my head. mostly i figure this is an exercise in writing the way i see the characters and wanting to diverge from what happened post avengers. some things in avengers and before are a little au and that will be more clear as things come up, but it's mostly just character inclusion in places they and pretty minor. i'm also going with an au loki, meaning when he ended up with thanos and the chitauri, he was tortured and later manipulated using the staff (though some, including myself, may argue not all of that is au). more details on how that went will be included as this goes on.
> 
> otherwise, i'm including a couple ocs, so far only two and it'll likely stay that way, i've just had them for years and it felt weird not including them:  
> genevieve "genna" fair: has healing touch abilities, along with energy projection. became a shield agent as a young adult along with her brother, but left shield following the battle of new york to join the avengers more permanently as their medic. still does things for shield, just as the rest of the avengers do, but she's no longer agent status.  
> august "gus" fair: genna's brother and they share powers. he still remains a shield agent and always worked more in the field than his sister did.
> 
> these are pretty brief descriptions, but more will come up in text.
> 
> there is a line thor says in this chapter that might allude to rape, but it is not rape at all, he just saw some of the torture. i just figured i'd mention just in case that's where any thoughts go.
> 
> otherwise, i hope you enjoy! even if writing this is mostly for myself, i figured i'd also share so it didn't just sit there collecting dust. i know for sure this will have frostiron, but the rest of the ships haven't be decided yet because i'm super indecisive in that department.
> 
> this first chapter includes mostly all of the healing and injury depictions and it's right there at the beginning. also, while loki is without powers, he's still tougher than any human.

There was a lot of blood. Most of it was dry and for what appeared to be a long time. It was a wonder someone was alive under all of it, but the groans and controlled shouts in pain he emitted more than proved he was alive. It was almost like he was holding back any noises of pain that came even out of instinct. Like he felt like he would be seen as weak or that the noises would be annoying or a bother. Maybe he feared it would jeopardize his safety because no one had a chance to reassure him that he was safe. All anyone had a chance to do was to get him to a sofa to work on saving his life.

It had been three days since Thor left. It was three days since they’d discovered the one tiny detail that tied together all of the questions over what was going on behind the events of the battle in New York. It had been a lot longer since the lead up to that moment. And it was anyone’s guess over what all happened to the severely injured god of mischief from the minute him and his brother disappeared into space with the aid of the Tesseract.

Tony had too much to notice, too much to observe, and too much to think about as minutes the god spent bleeding onto the white leather he was laid across, curling in on himself slowly. When he thought about the stains, it was only thinking about how big they were getting in spite of the blood already dried all over Loki. Thinking his name even felt out of body compared to the god he’d met a year ago, the knowledge of the mind control and manipulation the god endured at the back of his mind for the thought. Anyone would be different than they were in this situation.

_ Anyone _ didn’t deserve to be in this situation, a solemn fact that crossed Tony’s mind once, twice, three time, four as he applied pressure with towels to wounds, wincing at any noises of pain.

“Jarv, ETA on Fair,” he said.

_ “Three minutes, fifty-seven seconds,” _ answered the AI.

“Reached Banner yet?”

_ “Not yet, sir.” _

“Keep trying.” Both Thor and Tony were under the impression that all Thor had to do was get to Asgard, scoop Loki up out of his cell, come back. Last Thor heard his brother was just supposed to be sitting in it for the rest of his long ass life, unbothered, bored. Tony wasn’t sure if he was lied to or something changed, but underneath all the blood Loki was too skinny to be having a nice comfortable sentence.

“Y’know when it took you three days I expected it took daddy dearest a lot of convincing or something before you opted for prison break.”

“It did,” Thor responded, cleaning Loki’s injury on his forehead with a washcloth and water from a bowl at his knees. “I had heard in my absence his powers were stripped. Our mother had been trying for answers for why.” He grimaced, shaking his head, dropping the washcloth in the bowl. “Arrogantly I thought I would receive answers where she did not. Arrogantly, even more so, I thought I would be of help to restore his powers.” He took hold if the shoulder of Loki’s tattered tunic and started ripping away at the fabric all the way down the sleeve.

Loki’s arm raised, barely touching his arm in an attempt to stop him, but it was clear he was reacting to the removal of the tunic Thor was trying to do.

Thor paused, gently ran his hand over Loki’s hair, comforting, and softly shushed. “I’m sorry, brother. Everything is alright, we have to get the cloth out of the injuries.”

He didn’t respond, but he was too weak to even apply pressure to stop Thor in the first place, then too weak to keep his arm raised. It rested back draped over his side, hand resting on his stomach.

Thor continued to remove the tunic, ripping more when needed, leaving pieces discarded to the side, lifting Loki slightly to get the little beneath his other side, all while working as gingerly as possible, having to peel a lot of it from bloodied skin and injuries.

The back of the tunic had been completely ripped free of the back already where Tony was working on stopping blood from angry gashes ripped through Loki’s pale skin. Though the white had admittedly been a stupid idea in the first place, the open back section of the sofa was really coming in handy. Not that this was really what it was designed or bought for.

“We gotta get him moved to med bay soon as Gen heals some of the pressure out of these wounds.” They could probably do it all here… maybe, but it felt better and less “we’ve got no options but to heal you on the sofa when we actually do.” And it helped to say something, anything. “So then you decided to just break him out, permission or not?”

“That would summarize my decision.” Thor went back to cleaning wounds, but this time on Loki’s chest. “My mother and I worked together and when we reached him they… the guards were…”

Maybe it was stress imagination, but Tony swore he heard thunder rolling in the distance. “Hey, Thor? It’s fine, I get it, shit was happening. You guys got here in rainbow glory.”

Thor shook his head out of his thoughts and he went back to work cleaning blood from Loki’s chest. And he was silent again and so was the sky.

Both were grateful for the sudden elevator ding even if it made Tony jump a little. Instinctively he started to move to get up to greet and follow the new arrival to the mess, but the towel and pressure were more important and he sat right back down on the heels of his feet.

The blonde woman that just arrived dropped her purse, kicked her sandals from her feet, took the hair binder from her wrist to pull her the waves of her hair in the messiest bun, removed bracelets from her wrist, and rolled her sleeves up all in the strides it took her to get to the end of the sofa. She stared down at Loki for short moments before she moved beside Tony who was easily moved out of his place so she could take it. Her right hand took a glow that looked like it came from the veins going up her arms as she placed it to the raven haired god’s back.

“I’m going to heal everything serious right now, but I’ll have to do this in parts,” she said, methodically, focused on what was in front of her. “It’s gonna take a lot of energy from the both of us and he’s already barely conscious.” She moved her hand along his back, leaving behind the lightest of scars as she worked. “Where’s Bruce? I know he’s not a medical doctor, but he’s still gonna know more than I do about meds and drips.”

“Jarv’s working on contacting him. He went upstate to some retreat thing.” Tony stepped out of the way so she could round the sofa and knelt beside Thor who moved slightly slower out of the way as he tried to keep any contact he could, so Loki knew he was there.

“I’ve picked up some things, but if you can heal everything no one bothers training you on morphine doses.” Without missing a beat, she put her hand to Loki’s chest and went back to healing. There was a popping noise inside his chest area, he cried out, and it caused her to bite her lip. “Broken rib.” There was another similar noise, Loki cried out again, and Tony couldn’t help but wince even though he knew they were going back into place, healing.

_ “Sir, I have located Dr. Banner, sent the quinjet, and expected arrival is in ten minutes.” _ JARVIS’s voice almost echoed in the open space surrounding the four in the sitting area.

“Brief him on what he should expect so he isn’t surprised, tell him to meet us in the med bay,” Tony instructed, making a move for the stairs.

“Thor, this is gonna hurt him even if you’re being careful, okay?” Genna said, standing, stepping back so he could move Loki.

He looked down at his brother, getting to his feet so he could pick him up. His breathing was still rapid and there were light groans coming from him still, but he was starting to doubt he had any idea of what was going on, nothing but pain. Thor’s guilt gnawed at him, but it didn’t stop him from moving on. Slowly, he slid his arms under Loki’s thin frame and lifted. He heard a hiss from him, but Loki didn’t struggle like the first time he picked him up back in the cell, instead curled toward his chest for an easier carry. Maybe he really did know what was going on in some way.

The steps felt like they were longer and taller than they were and what was probably minutes felt like hours until he finally laid Loki down on the medical bed.

“JARVIS, can I get a reading of his remaining injuries, highlight the more severe so I can work backwards,” Genna said, trailing behind Thor. She focused on the holographic diagrams as they appeared on the glass screens. She pulled one closer to her, scanning the areas JARVIS highlighted. Swallowing hard, doing her best to just absorb what she saw instead of letting it show, she went on healing.

“How far out’s Bruce?” she asked JARVIS, starting by putting her hand on Loki’s abdomen, extending her powers as far as she could from there.

_ “Two minutes, three seconds.” _

“Update him on injuries as I heal them.” She moved to Loki’s head next, healing his forehead injury before she healed his neck and the bruising there. His breathing lost the wheezing quality to it and more and more his body was relaxing. “He’s going to be asleep soon, but I want to get his leg fixed first.” The only way they really knew he was even still awake was the stilted pain noises. His eyes had been closed since she got here, tightly, probably using them to squeeze through the pain. “After that it’ll be an easy heal tomorrow when we’re rested. Everything serious is taken care of.”

She looked up at Thor as she went for Loki’s broken leg and noticed he was looking over the injury diagram on the screen. The ones healed were still listed, though dulled so any that were still there were more visible. He was staring and seemed far away.

“Thor…” she started and was going to say something about this not being his fault, but decided it was a conversation better tabled for later after everything was done. Still, she got his attention and he was looking at her expectantly and thankfully it was easy for her to think up something. “Can you get some warm water and towels? We’re going to need to get the rest of the blood cleaned.” Distraction was better than nothing.

Thor nodded and turned away to head back down to retreive and clean the bowl from earlier with fresh water, but not without a final pause in the doorway to look at Loki again. He should have been there sooner. He should have never left Loki on Asgard while he returned to Midgard. The second he had doubts he should have gone back instead of waiting to be sure. He promised Loki to always look after him and he failed again so soon after the last time.

As he went to retrieve the bowl, he bumped into Tony who was carrying clothes in his arms and leading Bruce to the med bay. Neither stopped to apologize as they went in opposite directions.

“I’m not exactly a medical doctor, I was just helping with… illness before but these injuries, Tony?” Bruce said, putting a bit of stress on what he said through his voice.

“That’s what Genna’s for, right?” Tony reassured.

Bruce took his arm, pausing the both of them before they were close to the doorway. “Yeah, and it looks like she has it handled, but… this is a lot, okay? Who knows what happens when he wakes up after this? We have to think about that.”

“We will, I am.” He knew how crazy this all was and it was clear, though no one could be certain on anything specific for sure, Loki went through hell just because some people thought they could. But they were here helping him because that’s what was right and Tony couldn’t think of what else he’d do. Even if it hadn’t been figured that the god was innocent, he didn’t know what else he’d be doing right now if Thor showed up cradling him all injured and bleeding and crying out just as he did tonight.

Bruce sighed and looked down. “I know, I think it’s just helping to talk for a second.” It gave him something else to focus on besides thinking about how Loki was being tortured for who knew how long and human rights were screaming at him even if he wasn’t human. It was enough to stir the Hulk and it was the last thing this equation needed. It was easier to be the stern voice of reason with a healthy amount of self doubt in how much you can actually help in this situation.

“Sorry, I didn’t have enough time to prep a bag of weed for you. I got Jarv on getting all tea with some variation of ‘relax’ in the name delivered so maybe you can pretend.”

Tony’s ability to just deflect heavy topics before he showed it was making him uncomfortable was admirable more than annoying to Bruce when he knew a lot of people thought otherwise. Still, he shook his head like he was actually feeling exasperated with the engineer, not being able to stop the nose laugh. “I’m not smoking tea.” He stepped around him to head into med bay.

“Wet blanket.” Tony followed after him, glad to have managed to lighten some of this for a second. Reality laid on the bed in the room, but maybe he liked laughing along with reality once in a while to put its cynical ass in its place.

But cynical was a bit too powerful sometimes and his smirk left again when his eyes landed on Loki. He was still covered in blood, dry, but it wasn’t cleaned up and sticking around like a middle finger at everyone in the room. His skin almost had a grey quality to it and it was sunken in some places. He just looked all around cold too, like he needed to be wrapped up in seventeen blankets.

Thor passed in front of him, breaking his thoughts, making him jump a little because he hadn’t even heard the large god walk up. Which was almost crazy because he was still all dressed in metal and leather and was still a presence, but somehow he wasn’t. Maybe it was because Tony was so distracted, but he also looked like he was trying to make himself smaller, less noticeable, caving in on himself. He knew what guilt looked like when he saw it.

“JARVIS can I get vitals again?” Bruce asked pulling the screen closer to him. Things weren’t good, but they weren’t the worst they could be and it had him glancing down at Loki as Thor cleaned the blood up. He was so much stronger than what his appearance right now would have anyone believe.

“It’s better to get him drinking and maybe eating when he’s awake, but I will get some pain meds in him… assuming they work… to help with the tension.” He turned from the bed and headed deeper into the room to get into the cabinet where the emergency painkillers were kept. “Tony? It’s probably be easier to get the shirt on before I hook up the IV.”

It was probably minutes of Tony standing in the corner by the door, staring ahead awkwardly, before Bruce spoke to him. He had too many thoughts because of too little he was doing and that wasn’t because he was purposely taking a back seat, but because he really had nothing to contribute aside from holding a towel against skin.

Or well, getting new clothes for Loki which he was still just holding like a dumbass. Shaking his head, he stepped towards Thor who was holding a bowl of bloody water and staring at Loki while also internally punishing himself. “Hey, let’s trade,” he said, trying to get him out of his daze. Tony reached with his free hand for the nearby sliding tray. “Set that there.” He did and it only showed off how bloody his hands were. Actually, looking at him, he had blood all over, looking like a mess otherwise. “Sink’s there.” He nodded his head behind himself, wondering if they were going to be able to convince Thor to take time to shower and get comfortable.

While Thor went to clean his hands, Tony separated the shirt from the pants, tucked the pants under his arm, and then shook the shirt out of the fold so he could look at it. Graphic Led Zepplin t-shirt, definitely going to be a bit big on Loki, but not necessarily a bad thing. There was comfort in space.

Thor took the shirt from him and he noticed he hadn’t been paying attention. “Okay, yeah, I’ll help.” And, while still keeping the pants tucked under his arm, both of them got the shirt on Loki carefully and slowly. Tony gently lifting him from his shoulders so Thor could ease the shirt on his head, Tony moving each hand so Thor could get the shirt over Loki’s arms. Bruce followed, setting up the IV in Loki’s right arm.

Looking up, Tony caught sight of Genna who looked ready to sleep on her feet, so he handed off the pants to Thor who could handle it on his own, picked up the bowl, and headed over to her. “C’mon, lean,” he said, shifting his left side to her as he turned for the door. Genna laughed a soft noise, but still leaned on him as they headed for the door.

Tony turned his head back. “I’m gonna figure out the sofa with some whiskey.” Which probably meant he was just getting rid of it after a glass of whiskey. Even if it could be cleaned, he just figured this was a sign for some new furniture choices.

“He probably won’t wake up for at least six hours,” Genna said as they reached the stairs. She moved from leaning on Tony and took them on her own. Tired was weighing on her, but she could handle getting to bed. The lean was just nice and comforting and maybe Tony needed it too. “Bruce would know better, but it’s normal with this amount of healing."

“Yeah and you won’t wake up for about eight,” Tony said not so much as a speculation but as a command.

“Okay Mr. Slept Three Hours in Two Days.” She knew it was a bit more than that, but it was the right idea, and something to be concerned about. She doubted tonight would be a night to help it though.

“Seven. But okay, yeah I’m not your dad.” Tony headed for the kitchen to deal with the bowl, she headed for the elevator, but he paused, “Hey, Rapunzel?” waited for her to face him. “Thanks.”

“She had glowing hair not hands.” She half-smiled at him. “Anytime. Just gotta deflect twin questions later. I didn’t leave Gus with much of an explanation.” She looked down before she looked back up at Tony. “I’m just glad he’s… okay. Is okay a good assumption?”

“I think okay covers it.” Everyone always said okay to describe anything from their world falling apart to what someone finally deemed as fine. He felt solid assuming he was okay.

She nodded, but Tony couldn’t help but notice her bottom eyelids were filling up with tears. “You know, the bar’s open? I also have tea for Bruce he told me he’s not gonna smoke.”

“I need to sleep, but in the morning we can talk. I’m gonna let this go and sleep because I’ll be able to.” The elevator opened before she could push the button. “But I’m a couple floors away… just be really loud if you want to wake me up.”

“Pfft, always.” Tony watched the elevator door close before he went the rest of the way into the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bruce deal with the sofa and Bruce talks with Thor. Some lasers might be involved somewhere in there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little boring, i can admit that, but i felt like it was good for some scene setting, character/relationship building, and honestly i enjoyed writing it. i'm new to writing bruce, but i've been really enjoying it as you can probably tell since i focus on him a lot more than the other two in this.
> 
> otherwise, i'm terrible at naming chapters, so they're going unnamed rn, but if anyone has ideas, i'm more than happy to hear suggestions?
> 
> i hope you enjoy and, because this one is slightly boring, i'm hoping to get the next chapter up soon ( hoping tomorrow ). but after than chapters might be coming on more of a weekly basis, i started a new job this week and i was a bit ahead on writing when i posted the first chapter.

The sofa was a bit of a task. Normally Bruce would probably find it mildly frustrating if it didn’t keep his thoughts on something else. Anything was better than going over the injuries Loki had, imagination on what caused them, and it building up anger towards someone he couldn’t actually unleash it on. If he had quick access to Asgard, maybe he’d be more inclined to letting his mind wander and letting the Hulk do what he wanted, but as it was, even the slightest hiccup from the green guy had him thinking about whatever task or conversation he could put in front of himself. And right now it was pushing one side while Tony pulled the other, holding the lip of a glass in his mouth like he didn’t own any tables, of the blood stained sofa of the stupidly white collection decided on in the tower remodel.

They got to the set of three stairs that separated the walkway from the hollowed sitting area and Tony said something muffled around the glass. “Yes?” Bruce questioned, but got another muffled noise in return. “I can’t understand you.”

Tony stood up and removed the glass from his mouth. “Pivot.”

“Where?”

“Just pivot.”

“We have to get it up the stairs just lift it.”

“Yeah, but pivot.”

Bruce stood up from his bent over position and just stared at his friend across from him.

“C’mon just say ‘shut up.’”

“Why would I say ‘shut up?’”

Tony rolled his eyes and grumbled something about watch Friends before he put the glass back in his mouth and got into position to lift. Bruce raised an eyebrow then shook his head, figuring today was weird enough, and pushed on his end of the sofa to angle it up. Tony worked it backwards up the steps and Bruce followed forwards until it was at the elevator.

“So we just get it on the elevator and I’ll dump it in the lobby until I can figure out how to get rid of a bloody sofa without the world wondering if the Avengers committed a murder. That might be a good headline though.” Still, Tony shook his head. “I’m just hoping we got a couple days until spangles and the spies come back from whatever questing patchy’s having them do.” Maybe,  _ maybe _ they could get Steve to listen before he started discus throwing. Maybe they should’ve got him listening from the beginning. Sneaking around him was probably going to suck. Not as bad as Natasha and Clint. Even if they could sneak around them at all.

“We’ll just have to tell them and with all we went through tonight, I don’t know… I can’t imagine they would hurt him even if they don’t believe us.” The three of them were good people, been through their own share of hardships, were teammates with others who had been through their own.

“But if they tell the agency SHIELD formerly known as big brother, then… best they’ll lock Loki up, worst they’ll…” Tony shook his head, he wasn’t about to start a discussion over what the worst he thought SHIELD could be doing. “He’ll get locked up and he’s innocent.”

“I don’t think Thor would let that happen. We won’t let that happen.”

Tony nose laughed, shaking his head. “One year of team building just to split up over the guy who got us together in the first place.” Thinking about it sounded like true boyband style and maybe it was a bit too realist of him to not be surprised over this theoretical thought like it was actually going to happen.

“We won’t they’ll…” He shook his head too, not really sure of anything enough to say it out loud. “Let’s just worry about that then.” Bruce looked up in the direction of med bay. “What are we doing about Thor?”

“I mean… you can try to get him to clean up, maybe get some sleep, but I think I saw him pull out Asgardian grade glue and permanently attach himself to Loki.”

“Maybe if we brought him clothes? At least he’d get out of the bloody metal and leather. And he’s still right there.”

“Be my guest, but you have to use the stairs because I gotta take the Borden sofa’s cousin in the elevator.”

Bruce looked between the sofa, Tony, and the elevator. “Yeah, I don’t really want to know how that’s happening.” He started for the hall to the stairs.

“Lasers might be involved.”

“I said I don’t want to know.”

Thor’s room, though it could be more accurately described as an apartment, was about five floors down and while going down was easy enough, Bruce was wondering about the going back up as he entered the room. It was dark, which made sense but it still seemed somewhat darker or out of place like a lot of places did when the person that lived in them hadn’t for a little while. Maybe he was also projecting what he thought was Thor’s current state on an inanimate room, he couldn’t really be sure. What he was sure of was that being alone after all the shit tonight had to offer really sucked.

That in mind he told JARVIS to turn on the lights and walked to Thor’s bedroom. Shockingly, and he felt a bit guilty over the thought, the room was actually kept well. There was some clothes on the floor, but the bed was made and everything else was in what the god deemed as its proper place. His own room was a bit messier right now if he remembered back about a week right.

Maybe since everything was handled here, he could go back to the last day of the retreat. Mostly everything that he could foresee being needed for could be handled over the phone through instruction and there were hands here. Yet, he wasn’t going to go back.

In spite of every thought from someone else or even himself otherwise, he needed to be the level headed one in this situation. Both Tony and Thor, and he didn’t think any less of them for it, went with their first thought and acted on it. Tony, admittedly, is more calculated than that, always thinking no matter what it looked like, but he still went with his decision without thinking of another option first. Thor definitely acted first and his first instinct, as long as Bruce had known him, was always good intentioned, proving he had a good core even if he doubted he thought that about himself all the time like he should. The two of them mixed in with what Thor was going to think were the best decisions for Loki, wasn’t something he was willing to chance. Especially with the slight possibility, though everyone was hoping not, someone else got involved before anyone was ready. Genna was there, but who knew if she had something to get back to or something to do outside the tower. She may stay at the tower, help the team, but just as much as anyone else, if SHIELD called, she had to answer to them.

And at the end of the day, he was just some figure face at the retreat anyway and there was really only so many “how  _ do _ you do it?” questions he could handle in a seven day time frame. He wasn’t teaching or learning anything constructive and maybe it was good he didn’t have to think of a way out. Not a good situation, but…

“Great. Way to be selfish, Banner,” he mumbled to himself. And suddenly he was thinking about the injury list racked up against Loki and any and every possible form of torture he could think of that caused them. And the thought that he couldn’t possibly know all of them caused a feeling of tightness and stiffness that started in the pit of his stomach and rose up through his neck, happening almost too quickly to be frightening…

_ “Dr. Banner, Mr. Stark asked me to inform you that the elevator is now available to your use and that lasers were involved.” _

At the sound of JARVIS Bruce fell forward, hands catching him at the end of Thor’s bed in a tense lean. Thor’s bedroom. He was in Thor’s bedroom. What was he doing? He was getting clothes for Thor to change into and breathing, yes, breathing. In. Out. In, out. In… out…

The tightness subsided, but he was left with a prickle on the back of his neck that reminded him how close he was and over just thoughts. All the same, he won and maybe there was some empowerment in that that could keep him above for the rest of the night until he could say he was fully out of the Hulk’s watch.

He pushed himself up, trembling still, but moving on like it didn’t just happen and grabbed Thor a shirt and pants and some socks and left the room behind, satisfying himself with a lighthearted thought about how Thor had integrated into Earth clothes pretty well.

When Bruce was upstairs again, Tony was sitting on the arm of one of the chairs on the same side as the spot missing the sofa, staring like he was making lists over what could be done with the space.

“Hey,” he greeted, looking over at Bruce when he got closer. He could joke, he force anything distracting into this possible, but the fact was, being alone, just lead to the elephant of a mess this was. And just as Bruce so rightfully pointed out earlier, who really knew what was going to happen when Loki woke up?

And it was getting to Bruce too. JARVIS so calmly informed him of the near-Hulk incident that almost happened in Thor’s room and though Tony always played them off as no big deal, he cared enough about Bruce to worry what it was doing to him personally. Bruce spent too much time worrying about what it did to everything but him, everyone worried too much about what it did to everything but him, but Tony internalized guilt as he was watching his friend still trembling.

“I could take the clothes up there if you need to, you know, make some tea or something. The Hello Kitty mug’s clean.”

“No, um, thanks, but I think I’ll take it to him. I’m thinking it’s better I’m not alone.” Bruce let it be said, but also not said at the same time. Part of him wondered if Tony wasn’t doing too hot alone too. Both of their defaults were always to close off, on Bruce’s part he figured it’s because everyone else thinks he’d rather be alone… so much so he, himself, thought so too. Then there was Tony and the tower and the lab and it was all so much easier being around people than it wasn’t. And he’d been lucky to find a good group of people to always be around.

Nodding at Tony, he headed up the stairs, climbed them, and walked into med bay. Thor was right where he was expected, right next to Loki, holding his hand, but at his fingers away from the IV, almost like he was afraid of it hurting him. And he was still standing and Bruce was wondering if his legs got tired at a rate akin to a human or if he could always be at a statuesque vigil on his feet without much thought. Loki and everything played in a factor, so it might be a bit asque data at this point in time.

“Thor?” he questioned, and the Asgardian turned towards him in response. “I brought you some of your clothes… unless you wanted to go shower and get some rest.”

“I wish to stay here,” he answered as expected.

Bruce nodded, pursing his lips together. “That’s why I brought clothes. I figured that maybe you wanted to get comfortable and your armor has blood all over it.” He held out the stack of articles to him.

Thor eyed them for a moment, side-glancing to Loki, looking back at Bruce.

“You can do it right in this room and he’ll be right here.”

He nodded and took the clothes, unsure why he was so resistant, even fighting himself still with the decision made. It would be more comfortable and in the end better for Loki not to see him as the mess he currently was. He took the clothes with him to the other side of the room, setting them to the side to remove his armor.

Bruce watched him walk over to the other side of the room before he turned towards Loki. Shaking his head a bit, he reached for the screen and brought it to himself. “Vitals.” They appeared on the screen, better in some areas than they were barely an hour and a half ago. Of course nothing miraculous, he was still underweight, in need of water, but his blood. “I was worried about the blood loss… we wouldn’t have probably... not probably, we wouldn’t have been able to match his blood to anything human, but his body’s already putting him back on track.”

“He may be without his abilities, but naturally his body should right some things. I fear the trauma may have slowed it as well. The Lady Fair is quite gifted…” Thor suspected not human either, but he wasn’t entirely sure. All he was sure of was he owed her a great deal. He owed each of his friends a great deal and as time passed here, he would owe them more.

As he finished dressing, the silence got a bit awkward in the room, only because he knew Bruce probably had more he wanted to say, more to insist on, maybe was afraid to talk more about Loki’s health, knew in spite of all of it, in spite of anything he could say, Thor would choose to stay beside his brother until he told him otherwise and knew all of this could have been prevented had he been more attentive and acted faster.

He wandered back toward the bed, noticing a chair now next to it. Bruce was now sitting on a wheeled stool and turned towards him when he noticed he came back over. Sighing softly, sadly, he sat and gently placed his hand over Loki’s fingers.

“When we were children, I promised him countless times I would always keep him safe. Of course, as we aged I hardly promised that any longer, and where the promise should have changed meaning, it failed to. I favored friends to him when he needed me, suggested we do impulsive… dangerous feats, knowing the risk as much as I knew he would join me. All the same, he never suffered anything beyond minor scrapes that could be healed.” He glanced up at Bruce, but looked back at Loki just as fast.

“And now in the course of the last three years I have significantly failed to keep my promise more than any other instance could compare. He dropped into the void, was found by someone, possibly tortured, manipulated, and later tortured more by the very guards that were once supposed to serve him. I’ve almost lost him.” He breathed in through his nose, stopping it from clogging, holding back tears. It wasn’t his place to cry, not here in this moment, yet it threatened to happen all the same.

Bruce was stunned quiet, not because he was surprised by what Thor said, but because he was surprised it was even said right now. It was clear he needed to say it and to someone and Bruce wished that it would’ve helped, but the look still on his face said it didn’t.

“You didn’t though and…” He almost told him the none of it was his fault, but that would be pointless to say because it never fixed the feeling. People tell him all the time that anything the Hulk did wasn’t his fault and he hardly believed them. “I can’t speak for him or your relationship because I didn’t even see you two talk when he wasn’t himself. But I think he’s going to tell you not to feel guilty, just like you’re going to tell him New York wasn’t his fault. And he  _ will _ be okay.” It was going to take time, but one day, neither of them were going to even think about this beyond a memory. They lived millenias as far as Thor had ever said, they had to get past it at some point beyond what he could comprehend.

And Thor nodded, though Bruce got the feeling he didn’t really believe the words. He wasn’t insulted by it, knowing he’d feel the same way, knowing he always  _ felt _ the same way when anyone tried to ease his conscience. What a guilt-ridden group of people they all were when he came to think about it. Somehow, it was more heartbreaking when it came to Thor being this way since the god always radiated sunlight and was often so unapologetically himself.

“You could join us downstairs?” He tried again, hoping that maybe the inclusion of the fact Tony and him would be downstairs and awake and probably talking might change his response. “Loki won’t be awake for hours. Genna estimated-”

“And I shall be next to him when he does wake.” Thor looked over at Bruce, giving him a wide, tight smile. “Thank you, Banner, but I am fine here.” He really couldn’t imagine himself going downstairs, sharing a number of drinks that wouldn’t touch him, talking about what was happening, avoiding the topic altogether, or some mix of both, so he wouldn’t be joining them downstairs. His place was here until Loki was awake and reassured or until Loki told him to leave.

Bruce really didn’t expect another answer, even if it would be better for Thor to take some time away. “Okay… um, just let us know if you need water or food or a minute away?” He turned from him and back to Loki and he took that as the best response he could get. He hoped as soon as Loki woke up, the self punishment would be cut down by at least half.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the chapter summary's a bit sparse, but honestly anything more and the whole thing might end up summarized and might as well read it first? again, i figured i'd post this one the day after the last because the last was a little boring even though i found it necessary, but it might be a while before the next one gets complete. i'll probably try to get this on a more once a week schedule to go along with how tired i get with work and how busy life might get. maybe i'll swing twice a week? this next week will be a bit more telling about time because work's about to get intense and i have basically nothing written for the next chapter yet unlike the past couple where i have been a chapter ahead.
> 
> i think this chapter is a bit more lengthy and i would talk about things in it, but i also don't want to give anything away quite yet. i enjoyed writing it even if it hurt at times ( not giving anything away it's just inevitable ) and i may be a bit nervous as i hit the submit, but i hope all of you enjoy it!

There was no concept of time in a dreamless sleep. One fell into it, one fell out of it, nothing in between but the briefest moment of darkness. For Loki, there was pain and more pain and the hope of relief deep in his core as what he thought was death’s call pulling him under and away from the brightness and the talking around him. The relief from worries of matters around him and unto him and inside him. And then darkness accompanying a dull pain centered at his head, nothing he couldn’t handle compared to his limits he knew too well. This told him it wasn’t death and with that fact relief was gone.

He focused on what else he felt. Something felt pulled across his chest to down beyond his feet and there was a weight on his right hand, both a bit displeasing and alarming. He moved his left hand, bending his fingers so the tips could study what was beneath them. It was a fabric, entirely stitched, and there was some form of geometric pattern to the stitching. A blanket. He stretched his fingers out as far as they could go and confirmed it. Not his cell, it had been devoid of blankets for a while.

The weight on his right hand was the most concerning and he wouldn’t dare move it in case someone was on the other side of it and, considering it was warm, that was the most likely.

Slowly, he opened his eyes to blurry, not used to light, sight. And that was the final thing that sent panic through him. Someone was in fact next to him and the last thing he’d been able to comprehend was guards coming into his cell to hold him down for the next round of lashes. This room was brighter than that, unfamiliar in scent and shapes, just the slightest warmer in temperature, drier, following a series of events Loki hadn’t been able to comprehend and find any certainty in. And someone was there beside the bed.

Nearly tying his legs up in the blanket and what he’d come to notice was a sheet underneath it, he pushed himself back into a sit, backing as far away from the person as possible, blinking, clearing his eyesight more as they adjusted to the light, hitting something solid behind him, tucking his legs to him to make distance. With wide eyes he stared at the person, focusing on them, knowing them instantly, surprised by the name that came to his lips.

“Thor?” he questioned, his voice far clearer than he expected. He moved his hand to his neck and felt it as though feeling it confirmed the pain was no longer there. Still his eyes remained on Thor, weighing out if this was a trick. The word “brother” and the feeling of being carried against a metal chestplate from his recent memory started to align with what he was faced with. Loki had a cunning, creative mind, but not enough to make these events up. Should he have woken up barely living from his injuries in his cell, he would know the mess of everything else would have been made up. But would it have been as much of a mess were it made up?

“Yes,” Thor finally confirmed. He sounded and looked tired. Weighted too, as though Volstagg was rested on his shoulders.

Loki relaxed some, releasing the tension in his shoulders, then his back, down to his arms clutching his legs. He scooted down from sitting on top of the pillow, but remained sitting upright. “It truly is you?”

“Yes.” This time he nodded, letting a long breath out through his nose like he’d been holding it in for hours.

He still stared at him, studying him. He was wearing Midgardian clothes now, but his hair was a mess, sticking out in a couple places, his braids coming undone. Worry was written over every part of his face and Loki felt watched by him just as heavily. They both were waiting for something, he was waiting for this all to be some facade and be returned to his cell, he suspected Thor was waiting for him to do something unpredicted, harm him, run.

“You said you never wished to see me again.” He regretted it as soon as he said the words, feeling the weight of how daring they were, his stomach dropping, knowing he wasn’t winning any favors being blunt and accusatory.

But Thor did nothing in anger, in fact he reacted in a different direction, caved in on himself, lost his posture, looked down. Loki almost felt this was worse. “Someone told you that?”

“A guard.”

Thor wondered if they must have overheard him saying it to their mother before he went to make his return to Midgard. The words were hardly anything he meant moments later, but still he said them. He hadn’t meant them before even knowing the truth, but he said them at the peak of his anger. And they were something Loki had been living with no matter if he’d meant them or not.

He readied himself to tell Loki he was sorry and that he meant none of it, that he never should have said it, that it was only in anger, but suddenly there was a tight grip on the shoulder of his t-shirt. He turned his head to see Loki’s knuckles white with the force of his grip, holding onto the shirt in an unbreakable bond.

“Where am I?” He looked to his face next and he was looking about the room, eyes taking in to all, eventually looking beyond all the shelving and furniture and through the glass to whatever he saw beyond. He was significantly closer to him suddenly, but stiff and tense again.

Thor paused as long as he dared, worried about the reaction to his answer. “Midgard, with the Avengers.”

He let go of the shirt and let his hand drop to the bed, his head still turned to the right where it landed. “The Aven-gers.” It sounded like he was sounding the name out, trying to find meaning.

“Do you not remember?”

Loki nodded, but barely, his eyes distant. “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.” The words were said in his voice, but sounded like they weren’t his own. “They bested me alongside you.” He was still distant as though the answers were just coming to him like a story from the past.

There was an image of six standing above him, one giant, one with a bow pointed in his direction, Thor’s red cloak, clouded, barely cohesive like all other memories that had come to him since he’d reached Asgard and he was back in control of his own mind. All that was clear were some words and phrases that had come to him and a moment, standing in front of Thor that he almost came back to himself. Everything else was dark and filled with desperation like he’d been returned to the void.

“Did the Allfather decide it best I serve punishment here?”

The way Loki referred to their father was unlike the other times he referenced him not actually being his father. This time it was like he was a subject and always had been, never having been a prince of Asgard. Thor got caught up thinking about everything Loki was saying and the manner in which it was said, trying to get answers to it all without asking, almost forgetting asking was easier.

“I’ve never learned the nature of my sentence, it changes frequently. During the trial, I’d been informed that customarily death was the proper sentence however moth-” He paused for a long moment and Thor watched his eyes grow conflicted then sad. “My life was bargained for so I was to spend my life in a cell until something proper was decided for me. I lost concept of time, but it was a while before my power were sealed from me and the physical punishments began. I’d begged to see you as soon as the restraint over my mouth was removed, to explain now that I was free… that was when they told me your wishes.”

Thor wanted to stop him, he even opened his mouth a couple times to, but he was getting answers to any questions he had about what happened to Loki and each one made his anger grow. Their father would have let him die, then allowed his torture and more than disbelief, he let it anger him.

“No one would listen… not that they could be blamed… I’ve never given them reason to...”

“Loki.” Thor had to put the anger aside, he had to put everything aside besides what his brother needed to hear and needed to know. He looked back at him, his green eyes looking almost bigger than they did when they were children. “I know the truth.” He could see the fact sink into his eyes and slowly reach the rest of the features. “You were manipulated and I suspect other things.”

Loki stared for longer still as it set in and flowed through him, making his blood feel cold, but his muscles softer. He wanted to ask how, but he also didn’t care how. Thor knew and believed him and after it all, he still wished to see him. He was right here and looking at him with worry and his fears and what he worried most about was far away. And all there was was the time that passed and what happened.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed and not even a second later his felt Thor’s arm around him and before he could add anything about having been stronger to avoid the manipulation, there was a soft shush.

“It is I who should be sorry. I’ve failed you more than-”

“No.” Loki nuzzled his face into his shoulder until he pushed back so he could look at him. “Don’t be sorry.” He looked back at him, his eyes fierce, daring him to be sorry again. “If you’re sorry no one can ever hope to rise above their own guilt. Do you wish to damn the entire universe to that suffering?”

Thor just stared back at him, opening his mouth, closing it, opening it again, but not saying anything.

“Well, brother, do you? Because I’m certain you’ve caused yourself and the universe enough suffering by the guilt you’ve had over the last hours.”

It took seconds, but soon Thor was hugging Loki tightly again, sniffling. “You said ‘brother.’” And in return Loki cried too, feeling relief in it. Time, though he could only estimate how long still, had passed since the last time the pair of them truly felt like they were family. All of it was his fault, he pushed until he was given no choice to come back, gone too far, chose the void above fixing his mistakes and was punished for it. Rightfully so.

He pulled back from the hug, looking down, reminded of what he’d done, what had started the path to where they were now. None of this was so simple as Thor knowing the truth about what happened before and on Midgard and a hug and saying the word “brother” to each other even if they meant it. They both apologized and maybe it was for everything, but could Loki expect that to absolve him? Maybe Thor thought it did and Loki was left wondering if maybe his brother should hold him to a higher standard than a “sorry.”

“What is it?” Thor asked and Loki should have been more prepared for the question following this sudden and strange change in mood.

It was easier to lie, wrong, but he anticipated his reaction to the truth and it was just easier. “Nothing,” he replied, smiling reassurance at Thor before he looked back down. There was something attached to his right hand and he followed the long cord to a bag, hung high.

“What is this?” Loki asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before he started grabbing at where it was attached to his hand.

Thor noticed the sudden panic and stiffness returning and placed his hand over his to stop him, but his hand was walked away. “It’s for pain.” He took hold of his left hand to remove it from the right. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“For pain?”

“To relieve the pain. That’s what Banner told me.”

He’d never given him any reason not to trust him and he knew he had to trust his words. After all, he deserved more than just a “sorry.” So he nodded and pretended to relax until he made himself feel relaxed. “What happened to my injuries? I had so many.”

“Genevieve, she has healing abilities.”

Loki gave Thor a confused look in response to his answer. A Midgardian?

“She will be in to help with the rest.”

He threw the blanket off his lap to look at his leg he knew was broken the previous day or some time before the last “punishment.” He couldn’t really tell, but he knew it had been time before what he imagined was Thor retrieving him. Much of his memory was a blur, if he even remembered things at all. Time felt as long or as short as how hard he thought about it.

_ “If I may interrupt, Miss Fair will be with the both of you shortly. Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner are on their way with food and drink should you be ready for it.” _

Jumping slightly, Loki glanced around, attempting to find the source of the voice, glancing through the glass beyond the room, feeling his pulse rise as the attempts lead to nothing.

“Yes, JARVIS,” Thor answered him and placed his hand on Loki’s shoulder. “He is merely Stark’s electronic assistant.”

“St-ark?” he questioned in response to the reassurance, his mind finding something new to focus on. The name accompanied a confident tone and cocky smirk.

“I’m sure JARVIS appreciates being called an assistant,” answered that same description that came to memory. He locked eyes on the man, associating the name instantly with him, as he walked into the room. There was a name on the side of a tall building, an offered drink,  _ “no, no, no, threatening,”  _ and they all remained as clouded and as jumbled as the rest of it, but he was left with certainty he had been in front of this man at some point.

_ “JARVIS, Just a Rather Very Intelligent System, originally functioning as Mr. Stark’s natural-language user interface system, but I have been upgraded to running a vast number of functions with Stark industries, performing security for every property and electronic items Mr. Stark and associates own, provide support to him in his Iron Man armors as well as support for anyone designated as an Avengers teammate, and other functions that change daily.” _

Stark, as Loki had decided to designate as his name until he learned otherwise, looked proud the more his system talked, the prouder he looked, the more that memory smirk widened on his face.

“Anyway, we can throw more information at Loki after I have him eating food,” another man said that Loki completely missed as he stared and studied Stark. He carried over a tray with bowls of things and a glass of water. “We’re going to start it slow. Applesauce, chicken broth, and water.” He motioned his head to each one. “Though honestly, I don’t know if you know what any of that is. Well, besides water.”

“Sweet mashed apples and a water flavored and spiced to resemble a light flavored meat,” Thor interjected, clearing the slight confusion up, but Loki still looked at the food unsure.

“Mmm tasty description, Thor,” Stark retorted, not even trying to be quiet about the spoken thought.

“Okay if I set this on your lap?” Banner asked, Loki getting something familiar from the man’s face, but nothing more came up.

Loki nodded in response, waiting for the tray to be placed on his lap before he started inspecting his food. Banner said something about sitting the bed up before grabbing a bottom pad and the bed started to rise behind Loki. Pausing for a second, he turned his head slightly to watch it rise until it stopped behind his back. Not dwelling on it, he let the doctor describe the buttons, but gathered that the importance of it was the up and down arrows.

Nodding in understanding, he returned his attention to his apparent meal. He clutched the spoon and stuck it in the applesauce, moving it back and forth, looking it over. It had an odd texture and he couldn’t really smell it over the steaming chicken broth, if it had a scent at all. He supposed he was hungry enough and though Thor was blunt, it was appreciated and sated most of his apprehension.

He took a little on his spoon and stuck it in his mouth, testing the taste, swallowing. Mashed sweet apples.

“So yeah, once Gen finishes up, not really sure what else there is-”

“Some bruising and sprains and I’m sure a headache,” Banner interrupted Stark and Loki looked up to find him looking at him for an answer.

He shrugged with a nod in response. Really, nothing to be troubled over as far as he was feeling now, still amazed how much he was healed and how all of the pain was nearly gone. He was sure he would be getting answers to that too. He was doing his best to force himself to not get overwhelmed. Getting overwhelmed meant everyone would decide to leave him be and he needed to get established, know what he could about where he was and what happened to lead to this before he was left alone.

Bruce wasn’t a psychiatrist as he reminded about everyone and, as the person he had to remind the most, Tony kept glancing at him, hoping to get something out of his expression about how weird it was that Loki wasn’t freaking out. Sure, as JARVIS had informed him and Bruce earlier, he did right when he woke up, but,  _ holy shit _ , he expected him to climb over Thor, find something sharp in the room, and threaten his way out of the room that contained the guy that turned into the green rage monster that smashed him into the floor five times. But nope, the god sat there, looking lost every few seconds, silently calm.

“Once Gen finishes up-” he tried to start again, but was passed by the blonde.

“Which will be pretty quick here,” she said, pausing a few feet from the bed, facing Loki.

“Are you and Bruce planning that?”

“Planning what?” the doctor turned to face him, looking confused.

“I feel so betrayed, wounded,  _ my back _ .”

Shaking her head, Genna stepped forward, extending her hand. “Genevieve Fair, but I go by Genna and Tony calls me Gen and sometimes princess.”

“It’s a princess name.”

She ignored Tony, keeping her focus on Loki. He still hadn’t accepted her hand, looking at her, then her hand, then back up at her face. She wasn’t really sure if this was him deciding if this was a trick or if he didn’t know what a handshake was or he was taking too much in. “We hadn’t met before.”

Nodding, he set his spoon down, and shook her hand. She decided so far so good. No,  _ so far so great _ , and she was a bit amazed. Though maybe she wasn’t even sure what she was expecting in the first place.

“Is anything hurting this morning?”

Morning. Now he knew it was morning. Morning of what day? He had no idea, but there was some relief in knowing what part of the day it was.

“My head,” he answered, realizing he was speaking for the first time since the others had come into the room.

Genevieve smiled and nodded and suddenly he wished he would have said something he could actually observe. He could admit to himself he was only the slightest bit desperate to know how those powers worked. Still he watched her until she was behind him and first he felt her hands on his head then quick, but gradual relief of all the pain from it. He wondered when it would be appropriate to ask her questions about them, if it ever would be appropriate.

“I’ll just take your hand for a second to get this out,” Banner said from beside him, lifting his right hand, first detaching one connection, then removing the whole thing from his hand carefully. He moved so Genna could come back around and heal it.

Her hands glowed, but the light extended past her wrists and in moments when she left go of his hand it was left to stare at it in pristine condition. He saw everything, the whole use of her powers and the result, but none of his questions were answered.

Slowly he looked up from his hand and caught Thor’s gaze. “Eat,” he urged more than commanded.

He looked back at the food. Of course he was hungry and, he was sure, since they seemed so attentive, everyone in the room knew it too. But he felt this pang of nervousness and this deep feeling of desperation to hold onto the good that was happening for the first time in years and was constantly trying to guess what would upset the balance of it.

Yet, Thor said to eat so that had to keep it in balance.

“With knowing that I might get interrupted again,” Stark began and he glanced in his direction for a moment before giving the applesauce his attention. “I say after all this is done we get Loki settled in his room. This place is too bright and sterile and I’m sure he wants a bath or a shower. And you know, actual sleep in an actual bed.”

Eating didn’t really stop him from glancing at the man from the corner of his eye, however, trying to wrap his head around the curiosities about him. It was strange how casual this all was, but the more he watched, heard, and listened, the more he noticed it was all surrounding Stark’s manner. He didn’t act as though this situation was out of the norm, but he acted like it was nothing big. He wasn’t fussing, handling everything with a delicacy that would be expected. Loki found it comforting in a way, even if he wasn’t allowing himself to submit to it fully. Asgard and the cell and the guards were only a decision away and he was among the people he likely attempted to kill when they got in his way the last time he was here. They could retaliate whenever they wanted and at the moment he wouldn’t be entirely sure what for.

“Whaddaya say, Sound of Silence? Wanna get settled after this?” He assumed he was referring to him, though he wasn’t familiar with what he called him.

_ “Sir, Captain Rogers, Mr. Barton, and Miss Romanoff have arrived downstairs.” _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve, Clint, and Natasha arrive and things are revealed on both sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another pretty sparse chapter summary, but i also don't want to give anything away unintentionally with these. also another chapter i'm a bit nervous about as i'm posting, but i'm also satisfied with how it went.
> 
> i also want to say that this and the next chapter will have some heavier panic attacks, so just be aware of that (i will add a reminder for next chapter as well) and deal a bit more with memory loss/recovery.
> 
> and i think that's about it, thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoy!

“Fuck.”

“Damn.”

“No…”

The words were all said in a chorus throughout the room. Tony was excited, he got out what he wanted to say, Loki was actually going to answer his question if how he turned to look at him and how his mouth opened had anything to allude to that. Honestly that was what he found most uncomfortable about all of this. Loki wasn’t saying anything aside from that two word answer he gave Genna, which was really just putting Tony on edge for some reason. He could hear someone, probably Bruce, telling him that honestly this was better than expected and Loki was handling all of this well, but his brain was more concerned about the god not saying or reacting in any way negative or not.

Maybe this was just how he was reacting.

Tony thought back to the first days in Afghanistan, Yinsen basically had to coax him into not just letting himself die. A completely different situation than this one, but it reminded him that maybe this was normal, maybe he shouldn’t be expecting anything. There was no correct or right way for Loki to act and, maybe Tony wasn’t holding any of this to a standard, but even letting himself get on edge over what he deemed as underreacting? He’d let himself feel guilty about that or make up for it later.

It didn’t stop the anticipation and mild excitement over hearing Loki’s thoughts about seeing the small apartment in the tower for him.

And it didn’t stop the disappointment that mixed with his panic when JARVIS told everyone that the rest of the band was here to ruin a good morning.

After the initial reaction from everyone in the room, there was a series of crashing and breaking of bowls and the glass mixing with spilling of soup and splatter of applesauce. By the time Tony opened his eyes out of the wince, he noticed Thor lifting himself over the medical bed to the other side, Genna coming to the side of the bed to get a better view, and Bruce throwing his hand out in front of him to stop him. He looked down to see what happened to the food and dishes. The tray covered about half of it up, but there was glass shattered, ceramic shards, applesauce splatter, and soup flowing from the mess that he could see.

“Jarv, slow the elevator,” he said, turning his gaze the the corner behind the bed where he could see Loki’s back against the wall, his feet, and the bottom part of Thor’s crouched position, the rest blocked from the bed.

_ “Already done, sir. The elevator has just reached the lobby.” _

“Bruce, you good?” He couldn’t see any green creeping up, but it was a fair question to ask while he imagined Thor was figuring out Loki.

“Yeah, fine,” he answered. “Genna, is he hurt?”

“No,” she answered, turning away from the bed, watching where she stepped, moving to the cabinets on the other side of the room.

Tony nodded, coming out of his state of stares, and followed after her to locate the cleaning supplies.

_ “I won’t touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear. And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams, I’ll split his skull.” _

It was his voice and it was repeating over and over. He didn’t know the name of who he said it to, but he had an image of a woman with red hair that looked more horrified, the more he said. The whole thing had him terrified that the words left his mouth, terrified of any possible retaliation for them and terrified of himself.

_ “Slowly. Intimately.” _

He was reacting in the wrong way to this, caving in on himself, cowering in the first corner his back found, trying to get the memory to stop, covering his ears, holding his head. The right way was getting out of there, being ready to defend himself, but did he even want to? Certainly if he…

He felt a hand on his and jumped initially in response, but moved his hand to take hold of it as he uncurled himself. His eyes found Thor’s and he stared right into him, bringing all the weight he could to his question because he didn’t want his brother lying to him for his benefit.

“Did he kill her?” he asked, letting go of Thor’s hand, but gripping his shoulder instead. “Did I make him kill her?”

Thor just stared back, looking concerned above anything else, but Loki could tell he was confused too. “Who?”

“Barton. Did I make Barton kill her?”

“Her?” He still stared at him and Loki gathered he still wasn’t sure what he meant. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe he had no way of knowing. “No, brother, I’m not aware of… you remember Barton?”

“Yes…” He didn’t feel satisfied by Thor’s answer, but since Barton was alive and given the nature of the relationship he suspected he had with the woman from the memory, he would have to know if Loki made the order. Horror over himself still tore at him, but he looked away and left himself to deal with it. He bit at his bottom lip, hoping it would stop his trembling.

_ “Sir, they’re five floors away.” _

“Shit,” Stark remarked from the other side of the bed. “Thor? We gotta meet ‘em downstairs. Otherwise they’re gonna suspect something.”

“They’re going to suspect something regardless…” Thor heard Banner mumble.

He couldn’t stand the idea of leaving Loki alone at all, especially not following something like this even if Stark had a point. “Loki?” he questioned, watching him.

“Go, I’m… I’m alright. If you’re needed you must go. I don’t want more trouble over me than there already is.” He looked up at him and urged him with intensity in his eyes. “Go with them.”

Hesitating still, he stood, rounded the bed and joined Stark and Banner at the doorway, looking back at Loki any chance he had without bumping into anyone or anything. All three of them paused, looking back at Genna who was still cleaning.

“I’ll get this cleaned up, then join you,” she said, only glancing up at them for a moment. “It’s better they see all of you and this glass needs to get picked up.”

Thor frowned, looking back towards Loki again. He was curled up again, shaking still, but less than before.

“Hey, JARVIS, play some music, low, maybe something classical and tell us if Loki gets worse, okay?” Tony instructed and music started playing. “Don’t care if the others hear you tell us. And play something on the main level to off set this music.” It was a long shot that the others weren’t going to find out, so he was going to cover bases more where Loki was concerned. None of this was ideal, of course, but everyone else be damned right now in the shitty situation.

He didn’t want to, Bruce didn’t want to, he knew Thor didn’t want to even more, but they all left the room and made it to the stairs as the elevator made a heart stopping ding.

“The hell is wrong with the elevator, Stark?” Clint questioned a little loud like he didn’t expected him to be in the same space.

“Oh, testing speeds,” he responded, casual shrug, making this  _ “I’m not hiding anything” _ seem effortless, even if it wasn’t seamless. “Be glad you weren’t here Wednesday. I don’t think Bruce is ever gonna ride Tower of Terror again.”

“Which is kind of sad because… it was my favorite?” Bruce added, not making this as effortless seeming.

“How was the side quest?” Tony looked over at the three that just left the elevator as he leapt off the bottom step and made a beeline for the sitting area, plopping himself right over one of the chairs facing them. They were dressed formally, though both Steve and Clint had their suit jackets off, Clint had his tie tied around his head like they left a frat party, Steve just had his undone and in the same hand as his suit. Natasha was wearing a red cocktail dress and was carrying her black heels. All three paused at the top of the steps above the sitting area.

“Why were you up in the med room?” she asked and Tony wanted to comment on how she was wasting no time activating her bullshit detector.

“Oh that?” He looked over in the direction of the stairs that lead to the room. Bruce was on his way to either sit or stand next to him, but Thor remained right next to the stairs, looking ready to just bolt up them or use his body as a shield to stop the other three from getting to them. Maybe they should’ve just left him up there. “We were just trying to get Thor sick.” He turned back to look at the other three. “You know for science.”

They just stared back at him with a mix of different non-beliefs. Steve’s was more confused, glancing over at Thor then back at Tony. Clint looked over in the direction of med bay like he was trying to figure out how they were even beginning to try to do it. Natasha just narrowed her eyes.

“Oh come on, you guys had to be curious too. Like wondering if Thor needed to start getting flu shots.”

“Did you run out of ideas for upgrades or something?” Clint asked, looking back at Tony.

“Well you won’t let me touch your bow…”

“Because I’m always using it. You hear about that robbery a month ago on 58th? No? Because I didn’t send my bow in for a paint job.”

“Thought you might think invisible arrows were cool, but guess not…”

“Woah, woah, woah. Invisible?”

Tony shrugged. Honestly invisible arrows would be more than cool, but he couldn’t make them yet. He was just bluffing a bit to prove a point.

“Hey guys,” Genna said, coming down the steps now too.

Honestly that tipped the scales into really weird. Four of them, up there in the medical room, Tony claiming it was all for them trying to make Thor sick. Maybe that would be interesting to know, but that also sounded dangerous, then it sounded impossible. Steve couldn’t get sick anymore and Thor, at least how Steve understood it, had more of what prevented that than him. He’d thought that was figured out a long time ago when two-sixths of the team got the worst hangovers they’d ever experienced trying to outdrink him and Thor.

And didn’t Bruce have that retreat? Maybe it was over but he thought it was a week and Tony mentioned something about him being on the elevator Wednesday. Or maybe he was back early like they - Clint, Natasha, and himself - were from their mission.

The mission was a mix of a public event that was boosted by three Avengers being there as well as gathering intel on a moguel in on some high tech weapons trade. Really it was Natasha and Clint doing the important thing and Steve playing a million questions with over half the people in attendance. His nerves were frayed by the fifth question about how well he was doing adjusting.

“You were up there too?” he questioned Genna. Honestly at this point she was the outlier. He could see Tony talking Bruce into it, Thor probably found it funny that they wanted to try to see if they could get him sick with some Earth disease, but he couldn’t see her just somehow, randomly, getting involved in a weird experiment.

“Yeah we needed her to make Thor better if we really fucked him up,” Tony answered, taking control of the conversation again. That was what probably made this more suspicious, not more than how weird and quiet and stiff Thor was acting, but really added to the suspicion. If Tony was doing all the talking, he was controlling the story. “And she stayed behind to clean up the vomit.” Why they were trying so hard not to give them the truth was the biggest question.

“Vomit?” Clint asked, sounding a bit interested, but still disbelieving. “You actually got him sick?”

“No, when Thor wasn’t getting sick, I tried the shot on myself and got the flu. Then I threw up all over.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “You made Genna clean up your throw up?”

“She volunteered.”

“I volunteered,” Genna confirmed.

“Yeah, because she’s that masochistic and I’m that selfish.” Tony grinned tightly like he was pretending to be proud of the fact and this whole situation.

“And you just went with this?” Natasha asked Bruce, stepping down the steps, moving over to where the one sofa used to be. She turned from him and inspected the area, but decided to table the question about where it was until later considering it was probably related. She instead sat on the ledge behind where it used to be and turned her gaze up to the medical room they were all trying to hide something in.

“For science,” Bruce repeated Tony’s sentiment from earlier in response, but with less confidence. She didn’t have to look at him to know he was just radiating a prayer in hopes that whatever they were doing wasn’t found out from where he stood next to Tony. She could get it out of them if she pressed more, or if she even just dared to head up the stairs Thor was practically guarding, but she was going to let time do the work for now.

“Okay, yeah, whatever, this is the most elaborate lie to cover up morning shots i’ve ever heard.” Clint joined the sitting area, removing the tie from his head and slumping down in the chair across the sitting area from Tony.

“Not covering up anything,” Bruce defending kind of boldly. “Tony said we administered the flu through shots.”

“I meant tequila shots and maybe I want one now so no judgement here.” Clint tipped his head bad over the top of the back of the chair and stared at the ceiling. Natasha knew he had too much on his mind to even be bothered by this. She cared a lot about what was going on in that room up there, but she also had the same thing on her mind too, as did Steve.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter,” he interjected as if on cue, even though it probably  _ did matter _ . Natasha wasn’t about to let it go, but she also needed time to figure out how to dodge Thor first too. She could spend the next conversation figuring that out. “We… uh had something we were discussing during the mission and now it’s something we want to talk about.”

“Actually, it’s more on me…” Tony looked from Steve to Clint who sat up after he spoke, then leaned forward on his knees. He looked haunted all of the sudden and he felt his stomach drop as the mood in the room changing made the room pressured all of the sudden. They were hiding one thing and the other half of the team was bringing something unexpectedly serious to the table. There was something heavy going on on both sides and Tony hated not knowing what was about to be thrown at them.

“No, Clint, I think it’s on all of us.” Steve stepped down into the sitting area too, but just stayed standing. It almost felt like they were about to to tell all of them that Clint had to kill Santa Claus on this mission they were all on and there would be no Christmas this year. “And Thor, since you’re here, I think we should start with a question first.” Thor? Tony looked over at him, noticing Bruce do the same out of the corner of his eye. “We’re um… we’ve been wondering, since you really didn’t talk about it, what kind of justice system Asgard has?” He shifted his gaze back to Steve, he swore his heart was beating so hard, the arc reactor was starting to beat with it. “I mean you didn’t say he was sentenced to death… maybe this is hard for you to talk about…” Steve shook his head. “We just wanted to ask about it because…”

“Because I want to add something in Loki’s defense.” Tony, and he was sure along with everyone else in the room, looked directly at Clint the second the words left his mouth. He looked at Thor, almost looking guilty if Tony had to put a word to his expression. “Is there any way I could do it?”

Thor was hard to read, but maybe he was stunned, that’s all Clint could think of to describe the way he would open his mouth, glance to everyone who were all staring at him, turn his attention back to Clint, and try to attempt words, then lose them. It felt like forever before he actually said something, so long Clint almost tried to say something more to try to coax something out, but it turned out he didn’t need to.

“Well… I… you… he…” Or maybe he was wrong. Maybe he needed to explain. Explain like he had to do with Natasha, explain like he had to do with Steve, explain even though he really didn’t know much about what he was explaining.

“Because there was something I realized. I don’t know, maybe it’d be better if I said remembered. I don’t know. That staff and what it did to my mind and then what I had to do to overcome it and then all the time I spent trying not to think about it and then there was convincing myself it wasn’t me and then eventually I’ve started to just coming to terms with it and what really did happen.” He closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath in and out of his nose. There was so much he hoped for and so much he knew he wished came to him before now.

“It was like our minds were connected… at least some times. I think that came with whatever the scepter did with the mind control, but I don’t know the specifics, probably won’t ever know. But what I know is it felt like Loki’s mind was in two and the one in control was just… I mean we all saw that one personally. Then there was the other part that wasn’t even really a whisper, but I knew it was there? I think the scepter was doing something to him too. Or did do something to him before he even showed up here.”

“Are you saying you think Loki was being fucked with too?” Stark asked and honestly Clint expected as much. Maybe he was over-prepared for the push back from him specifically and that made him needlessly on edge, but he was the quickest one to be vocal, and vocal he would be about Loki he was sure.

“I know it sounds… I don’t know how it sounds, but I know something was going on. I talked it out with Rogers and Nat and they think so too and I think that’s enough for this to be a discussion. And besides all of this, he was injured when he got here, almost looked sick too. I don’t know where he came from with the scepter and later the Chitauri, but seriously I… I need us to look into this.”

He looked at Thor who was avoiding his gaze by looking at the ground and he felt his heart sink right into his stomach. Loki couldn’t be dead, could he? They would’ve had to know. Regardless of what happened in New York, Thor wouldn’t have been okay if Loki’s sentence included death. But still, Thor really hadn’t said much, moved on, and Clint’s mind wasn’t being rational as he watched his reaction.

“What was his sentence?”

He finally look up, but only for a moment before he looked down again. “He is… spending the… he is alive.” And all that meant is there was more to this story, more to what he knew.

“And is that just him in a cell, then? We have time to look into this and come up with something? Figure this out, you know? Then if it’s something, which I think it is, tell your dad?”

He didn’t answer and was right back to looking down.

“Thor?”

“She’s alive,” was heard from a voice up by the top of the stairs, relief to it, but that wasn’t the most notable thing. The voice registered, what Clint saw when he looked over at the owner of the voice registered, and he was standing, everyone else who wasn’t already with him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's discussion and the team comes to an agreement over what should happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the summary is again really bad, but i think the chapter speaks for itself on its own anyway
> 
> it's much longer than the others and i've been sitting on the whole thing, reading over parts, weighed decisions on things, deciding on what's really next, and finally just came to a place to stop. if i'm being honest, i could have continued the chapter and the end just came to the end, but it was already pretty long and i wanted to get this out to you guys. all in all, i have just been sitting on this chapter for a while.
> 
> just be aware there's more of a panic attack again in this chapter. i haven't worked on the next chapter at all yet, but i know the direction it's headed in so it should be a pretty mild one.
> 
> to be honest, i was very nervous about this chapter and i spent a lot of time going over then going over again how i thought the characters as they're being portrayed an treated in this would react and, as with every chapter, i just am posting this and hoping all of you enjoy it too.
> 
> side note, because i haven't mentioned it yet, i saw a post not too long ago, i think it was on tumblr, but i saw it as a screenshot on pinterest, where laura was actually clint's sister? so i'm going with that for this, meaning more or less clint is single. or well clintasha's probably going to happen. i will update the relationships when i make a decision. i really need to make decisions on some, but i'm so indesicive when it comes to ships. except of course frostiron, which is the front running ship anyway.
> 
> i hope you enjoy the chapter and i hope to have another up within the next week!

The more Loki sat with his own voice, the more he had to know, had to be certain. Thor had no idea what he was talking about so he couldn’t take any reassurance from it. He took less and less reassurance from it as time passed. It was entirely possible he had Barton kill her. He certainly terrified the woman into believing he would. He just couldn’t stretch beyond that moment and find his own answers. Damn his memory and, especially, the lack of it.

What was hard about it wasn’t that it felt locked away from him, but that it was all just there hanging about in his head only coming to him when it wanted. And this instance was the worst of it. This was the first time it had been anything more than flashes or just in general feeling like something was familiar. This time, he experienced something that sent him reeling, something that made what he did real to him and not something he was told he did and punished for. This gave meaning to it all and scared him more than he expected it would. It told him he should have expected even worse from himself.

And he knew now more than anything it meant he deserved whatever they may decide to do with him. Barton, whoever he threatened this woman with, deserved to do whatever he wanted. All that Loki was left with is regret he already knew the worst torture had to offer him and wonder if Barton knew killing him would be more of a relief.

He reached his resolve and lifted his head from his knees and found he was alone in the room. Slowly, he stood and crossed the room, slid open the door, and stepped through the doorway. It was easy to spot all of them, eyes scanning, the edges of his memory making each “new” face familiar until his eyes landed on the red headed woman sitting at the edge of the room. Their eyes connected and she got to her feet.

“She’s alive,” he said out loud and suddenly everyone else were on their feet and his resolve weakened. He took one step back, hesitated on another, his eyes flitting about the room. No one moved further as if they were suspended in time. His eyes connected with the man across from Stark and what hit him next nearly knocked his breath away.

He was Barton.

_ “You have heart.” _ The scepter connected with his chest and his eyes glazed over with a blue hue. Another image showed him commanding him to shoot someone in the chest. Somewhere else dark and dingy with little light, others around, technology, Barton around him.

He took another step back but wobbled, lost his footing and fell backwards, landing on his behind, catching the rest of himself with his hands. He started kicking with his legs back up, continuing beyond getting tired, pushing with his hands, unsure if he was gaining distance or overworking himself with nothing accomplished.

There were shouts from the room that was at the bottom of the stairs, but he didn’t comprehend them, it was just himself, the fraction of memories, muffled shouts, and trying to get away from it.

He felt someone grab his wrist lightly and jerked away, struggling harder against fatigue to get away until his back hit something solid. They spoke, then again, the same thing, over and over until he recognized it was his name. “Loki,” they said, calmly, evenly, but still serious. “Loki?”

He opened his eyes and found Stark squatting a few feet in front of him. He pressed against what was behind him tighter, but he didn’t come closer.

“You’re in Avengers tower, New York, Earth.” Tony wasn’t sure if this would help at all. All he could think about to do was what helped him get through attacks. Remembering where he was, finding something, often a voice, to focus on. JARVIS talking about the weather in other countries usually is what that voice was. “No one’s gonna hurt you.”

Loki was still pressing himself against the glass railing. Tony had to remember: distraction. “How’d you like the applesauce? Kinda meh, but Bruce said pizza would probably make you sick. Just have to wait I guess.”

He still stared at him, stiff, but he eased up on the glass a bit. “Where’s Thor?”

“Behind me.” Tony pointed behind himself. “Playing golden retriever guard dog. I can switch places with him if you want?” He wasn’t probably as effective as a wall as Thor was, but probably just as ineffective as that at comforting Loki.

Loki looked beyond him over at Thor, but shook his head, closing his eyes, hugging his legs to his chest.

“Would you rather be alone?” He shook his head again, resting his cheek on his knees.

Tony almost felt like he he was watching something he wasn’t supposed to, being in his space when he wasn’t supposed to even if he had permission. Maybe it’s because he just sort of ended up there, having his own personal experience with panic attacks, but while not being a psychologist or knowing anything about Loki at all. He didn’t think much about it until he was actually squatted down, staring at the increasingly shaken god. And here he was, feeling awkward, but staying anyway and maybe that was because shook his head when he asked if he’d rather it be otherwise.

“Keep talking,” he heard softly. It didn’t sound like a command or even a request… maybe a wish? Whatever it was, Tony was more than happy to oblige since it was much easier than just sitting there in silence, watching him, letting his thoughts go in a million place.

“Uhh… oh yeah, I was just telling you about your room before. I mean it’s more like an apartment living space like everyone else has and it’s unique like theirs too. You weren’t really here to help with decisions, but I played twenty questions with Thor about it and went off that. And it just got done, so good timing I guess.” And just more and more thoughts were hitting him and he spoke them, going on a classic ramble. “We’ll fill up your closet too, but let you decide that. I thought about going ahead and doing that, but clothes are clothes.”

He noticed the more he talked, the less Loki shook and the more he watched him, so maybe what helped him during his attacks was helping him. He was sure they weren’t anywhere near in the clear, but at least he wasn’t still trying to become one with the glass.

But then he found out that didn’t still make shit get deeper than it actually was.

“What did I do to you when I was last here?” Loki asked and Tony knew he was too quiet for too long after. He didn’t remember? And before he could get too insulted over that, he realized a lot of this made a lot more sense. If there was any sense to be made.

“Uh… you don’t remember?” he still questioned, just to double check. It was confirmed with a shake of the head and he was left with debating over potentially sending him spiraling again or lying to him. Thor said something once in passing about Loki being a gifted liar and that was honestly a lot of pressure on one side of the argument. “Nothing. You didn’t do anything to me. I mean aside from turning down a drink.” But if he wasn’t reckless wasn’t he really Tony Stark. “Do you not like remember any of it?”

“I suppose one could say I’m remembering, but in spite of that it’s hardly anything.” And then Loki realized he let slip something to someone he barely knew. It was bad enough he was showing weakness in front of him and now this was added to it. He tried to remind himself that Thor trusted this mortal and there was something about Stark himself that drew him in, but he decided that was merely curiosity, a curiosity that grew with each passing moment around him.

Attempting to regain some shred of dignity, pushing all he could aside once again, he slowly got to his feet, using the glass and the rail behind him. It started off well, the shakes were mostly gone and the rest he focused on forcing under control. He was on his feet, standing tall, doing his best to look powerful in front of a man that has seen him at his weakest.

He looked beyond him, to Thor, then beyond him too. He couldn’t really see anyone else, but they were there and so was what he had to face. And he couldn’t help but tremble a little, his false strength having trouble keeping itself up. His powers would make none of this an issue, but, as he was reminded every time he reached for them, he didn’t have them. Powerless in a place he would find enemies, his trauma and fears continually being laid bare for them beyond his control more than he could ever care for, and it hadn’t even been a day since he woke.

He stepped forward, and again, and again, and passed Stark. That’s where he faltered and paused. His memories he had scraped at his mind and he felt his pulse rising the closer he got to Thor and, ultimately, to the rest of them.

“You can wait you know,” Stark said behind him, telling him his facade was failing, feeling the cold dred from that fact. “Like fuck ‘em, you don’t have to tell them anything until you’re ready.”

Wait was what they would expect him to do, what Stark was expecting him to do, and more than anything he needed to do the opposite. What he could do was rise above expectations in this decision in spite of whatever state he was still struggling out of. He could make this decision and stand before them and their judgement, even with trembling hands if he must.

“I would wait.”

He turned his head and looked back at him. The statement didn’t strike him as a warning, no, it seemed like a vulnerability. “Would you?”

“I would want to.”

That was honest. Loki narrowed his eyes at him a little as if that would help him figure him out, but it lead nowhere.

“Maybe you should do what you want.”

He looked at him for a moment longer before he turned back in the direction of Thor and placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. It had been a long while since he’d done what he really wanted to do and even his own self refused to let him despite being given assurance from someone else.

Right now, it was anyone’s guess what would happen. Bruce was too much on edge for this entire situation and it was leaving him trying to focus on anything else his brain could come up with before the next unexpected thing came up. Which appeared to be the plan for the day. Normally he wasn’t always looking forward to sleep, but he was at the moment. Whatever nightmares his mind mixed with the Hulk could come up with had him less on edge than a situation that progressively escalated in unexpected directions.

And what really was funny about the whole thing, it was actually going better than he expected. Truthfully, the second he was told about Thor deciding to just go ahead and get Loki three days ago, knowing the decision was made while he was away because Thor and Tony are equally impulsive, he figured there might be a fight right in whatever room the group found themselves in the second the other three found out. He was, at least trying to be, ready for that. Or at the very least, ready to stop it from happening. But this was unexpected.

It was unexpected that Steve, Clint, and Natasha would be back this early, back before they even had a chance to sit down and come up with some sort of game plan with Thor, then it was unexpected that they also had something to share, then it was unexpected that the something to share was something to do with Loki who they were hiding up in med bay. All of it wasn’t given any time to process before the god, who was apparently the hot topic of the last week without anyone saying anything to each other, appeared at the top of the stairs.

Everyone who wasn’t already on their feet, got to their feet before Bruce even took the chance to look at up at Loki who was already desperately putting distance between himself and rest of the group. Tony bumped into him as he headed for the sofa which he climbed over, out of the sitting area, and up the stairs. Thor turned up the stairs too, hovering awkwardly as he looked down the walkway both Tony and Loki disappeared down, but ultimately turned to face back outward, like a wall between the others and Loki. And just like that, it was Bruce and Genna down with the other three and Thor away at the top of the stairs.

It was silent at first, and Bruce wondered if it would stay that way. He was afraid to look in their direction, thinking maybe it would prompt the questions. But it didn’t matter because the first question came and then the next one and the next one before Genna, Thor, or himself could hope to answer. Most of them involved every type of question from what to who to why and involved varying levels of anger and “hell.” And he did his best to block it out to start damage control before there was even damage.

“Were you just gonna leave him up there until the next time one of us got hurt and say ‘surprise?’” Clint asked, holding back the worst of what he wanted to say.

“No, honestly-” Genna started, looking apologetic, but his shock wasn’t letting him believe it.

“You were just gonna go behind our backs? He killed people. Controlled not only me but a big handful of agents, Dr. Selvig, and other civilians. All with little empathy to anyone on Earth and whoever stepped on along the way. Which is honestly his own words as said to Fury.”

“I kn-”

“You spent days healing anyone SHIELD or hospitals sent your way,” Steve added in, though he sounded less angry and more bewildered.

“I did, but-”

“He’s a psychopath!” And as soon as it left his mouth, Clint knew he went too far and went out of line. The betrayal destroyed literally anything he felt or said about the whole situation moments ago, but with the statement, the anger was gone and was replaced with guilt. He could have reminded himself that it still was what it was, they all kept something from him all while knowing what Loki did to him, yet the guilt still gripped on tight as the potential reality of this came back to him.

“He’s my brother, think of what you say,” Thor bellowed, nailing the guilt in. “Just moments ago you spoke of manipulation and what he possibly endured before you crossed paths.”

“Which you didn’t know he thought before you brought him here,” Natasha added, taking defense of Clint. He could feel her weave her fingers in his, letting him know she was beside him. “You looked guilty a moment ago too. You were lying to us.”

Thor wanted to say they didn’t have much of a choice, but that was a lie. He made the decision to bring Loki here without them before he knew anything about the state he’d been in. It still didn’t change the fact he would do it all the same way again.

“If you saw what had been done to him, you would have done the same.”

She looked at him, then beyond him in the direction Loki had gone. “Which is why you should have trusted us.”

“And that may be our fault,” Steve started and Thor looked over at him. He looked apologetic, maybe a bit still on edge, but apologetic and potentially willing to listen. “Clearly we did something to make you guys think you had to come up with some unbelievable story and the way we reacted, questioning without listening, I don’t blame you.” He looked over at Clint and Natasha until they both looked back. “And I think maybe we could all do that. Listen, get answers on this.”

He was quiet, looked down, felt guilty for the lie more with the understanding Steve showed, but knew that wasn’t hs intention. He knew this would be better for Loki, better for all of them. He nodded, looking back up at them. “But I think it fair to allow Loki to speak.”

“Will he be able to?” Clint asked, not looking up. And Thor wondered that too. He could hardly speak on his brother’s experiences aside from what happened on Asgard, but even then it was a summary. Besides that, he didn’t feel comfortable sharing any of it, unsure if it was anything his brother wished to share. But more than anything, he didn’t want to cause any more grief on his already troubled anxiety and fear.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and at first he suspected it was Stark asking to trade places, but he turned slightly and found his brother standing there, looking out at the others.

“I will do what I must, especially accept judgement passed,” he said and he noticed he was still trembling.

“Loki there is no judgement to be passed, you need not-”

“No. I have hurt them, thus judgement must be passed.”

“That wasn’t you,” Stark chimed in behind them.

“Is that not for them to decide? It was my hands, who else would it have been?”

Thor shook his head. “You have faced judgement enough for things beyond your control.” And by those he had hardly wronged if at all. Even if an argument could be made over crimes he committed before his fall, none of the crimes were done to Asgard.

“Again, that is their decision.”

“Fuck no it’s not. They didn’t see you last night bleeding out on the fucking sofa.” At Stark’s words, his lips curled in and he shut his eyes.

Clint felt sick. Bleeding out? What did they do to him on Asgard? What was his punishment? It sounded like some form of torture. Asgard allowed torture as a form of punishment? And all of this was because he didn’t come forward with everything he knew sooner. He nearly killed Loki by not saying what he knew. He hadn’t even tried to remember beyond hating what happened to him.

“You were surprised I’m alive,” Natasha asked, letting go of his hand and stepping forward. “Why?”

He looked over at Loki who turned his focus to her, keeping his lips pursed together in the curled in flat way he had it. He watched him open his mouth, then close it, like he was trying to find words until he sighed, defeated looking, looking down.

“I… I only remember taking control of him and threatening you,” he finally answered softly. And that answer had things coming together. He didn’t remember anything.

“Is that all you remember?” Clint asked.

Loki shook his head, nodded, then sighed. “I only remember parts, hardly anything to call memories.”

The room grew silent after his revelation and it was in that moment, though his fear had once been that he would look weak, he developed a stronger fear of not being believed. That kept his gaze downward, unable to see their disbelief.

“He asked me what I did to him,” Stark said, subtly asking to get through between him and Thor by shuffling a hand between them. They both obliged, Loki watching him curiously as he moved down the stairs. “And he’s not afraid of Bruce.” He motioned over to Banner who had been in a bit of a daze until the name “Bruce was” said. Why would he be afraid of him? In no offense to the doctor, he was rather meek and small-ish in size. “See? He looks confused.” Loki didn’t like that fact, he hated being this lost. He was at the mercy of what they believed now, though maybe he deserved to. Stark’s words were almost like a taunt even if he hadn’t meant them to be.

“What happened to you before you showed up here?” Barton asked and Loki looked to him before he looked back down. “You don’t have to give details. You were just… not in the best shape when you showed up.”

He laughed in response, but it was more of a sad, humorless laugh. He knew exactly why he hadn’t shown up in the best of shape. “In avoidance of giving details, I was tortured.” He winced a little at his own bluntness, his revelation to the group, and how Thor shifted uncomfortably next to him. “I apologize… I… His name is Thanos. Or the one that controlled it all. He wanted the Tessaract and when I refused…” He shook his head, swallowing. “I should have been stronger.”

And, on top of it all, he failed to even do what was manipulated of him. He was sure that promised more pain or worse. Thanos always found the worse and saying his name out loud reminded him of that. This room full of strangers who should want him dead was nothing in comparison to his wandered thoughts. One thing that he knew above all else was Thanos kept promises, he promised pain, he gave pain. And it would come full circle, but not now, with time. This promise would mature with time, especially since that was what Thanos had along with other things to worry about his failed venture first.

There was the feeling of a hand on his arm and he jumped. He looked up to see Thor staring at him.

“Let us sit,” he said, starting to guide him down the stairs. Loki hesitated, looking at each of the other people in the room, one, who was slightly more familiar than Banner, lifted his hands in peace, Barton backed up to give comfort space, but the red headed woman didn’t move, standing near the end of the sofa closest to Barton.

Slowly, Loki followed, mostly because he had no choice but to as Thor was forcefully guiding him. Thor positioned himself in front of him, moving to the opposite end of the sofa to the woman, and motioning for him to sit down. He did so, watching each of the three as Thor sat next to him.

“I’m unsure how to put to words how sorry I am or how to prove what I say is truth,” he admitted. He honestly didn’t expect them to believe him, they had no reason to. Most anything anyone had said in his defense from what he’d heard could be dismissed in some way. “I will accept whatever you wish onto me and Thor must allow it.” He looked at him out of the corner of his eye, knowing in spite of what he said, he’d still try to stop them.

Everyone was quiet for a long time and it really settled his fear of not being believed in. After all these years of being known for lying and being cunning, he found how hard it was to actually have to hope when you were telling the truth, you would be believed. That was more terrifying than hoping your lies were convincing enough.

“I think we either have to decide to believe you or not,” Steve said finally. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be the one to say it or if he should let someone else take the lead who had been more affected during the New York attack. “We have what we can deem as proof and it’s convincing, but still at the end of the day we’re trusting you on our choice. And I think from what I’ve seen, the one that came here last, wouldn’t be the person feeling guilty and scared over any of it, especially if he didn’t remember it. He wouldn’t be here with his head down afraid of what we said he deserved.”

Maybe someone thought he was doing the stupid thing, a leader had to make decisions on something certain, ask others opinions, but this was how he personally felt about it and it wasn’t only about whether or not he trusted Loki. He didn’t know the Loki in front of him too well, but he knew his brother sitting next to him. He trusted his judgement regardless of his feelings over family. He trusted what Tony said about Loki arriving at the tower injured and not just because there was a missing sofa. He trusted what Clint said about what he experienced. He trusted his team around him and they gave him too much evidence to ignore. He didn’t have much, but he had them which was a small miracle to get him through the next day and not because they were all he had in front of him, but because they were who he chose to be there.

And right now, he was choosing Loki too. Yes, he needed to know him before he just trusted everything with him, before he could consider him a friend, but he did trust that things were complicated and the team could handle that.

“I believe you,” Clint said, nodding. He really had no choice but to with the evidence right there in his head. “Things won’t be a hundred percent for a while, but I should’ve said something, thought about it sooner. And I’m sorry because it looks like you paid the price for it.” Guilt he would deal with, but also something that made him wish he could make an extra special trip to Asgard.

“There’s no need to apologize… what happened is what-” Loki paused, looking like he was weighing his words again. What the hell did they really do to him on Asgard? “It was beyond your control.” He suspected that wasn’t really what he wanted to say but nothing to make this progress go backwards on. He knew self hate when he saw it.

“Maybe it wasn’t.”

Loki nodded, but it didn’t look like he believed the words.

“I’m not going to be okay. We’re not going to lean on each other, sing a song and hold hands, anything like that.” Natasha looked at Loki, borrowing into him with her gaze.  _ “Yet.” _ She emphasized the word, maybe making it sound like it wasn’t likely more than it was. “But I can live with this because Clint believes you.” And because no one guilty like the Loki before had panic attacks like that.

More than anything, she didn’t want to go easy on him because all they could really do was go off of his word and his actions. His word said torture and manipulation, his actions reflected that. Beyond that, no one could really know if he was friend or foe. He was Thor’s brother who had been the puppet to an attack on Earth and that puppet was more or less someone different than the one sitting there on the sofa. She could share a space with him just like she could share a space with a stranger off the street, a stranger off the street that knew a lot more about her and her past somewhere in his brain than she was comfortable with.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's talking and Tony shows Loki his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i say this every chapter, but i'm nervous hitting the submit button. i think i just got too in my head with some of this chapter so my brain is messing with me. there's definitely parts i really loved about this and i hope you guys love it too. this one is the longest chapter so far and honestly a bit dense so i do apologize. but i actually came to an end point unlike the last one where i just had to end it.
> 
> i had the part where tony shows loki his room in my head for a long time and i'm glad i've finally gotten to write it.
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoy!

Another bowl of applesauce, skipping the broth this time. Bruce was more than happy to offer to go back into the kitchen and get it, leaving the situation out in the living room to get his mind together. In spite of it all being about Loki, he felt everyone’s eyes on him when he quickly offered to get Loki replacement food and sped walked across the common area to the closed off kitchen. He was just glad everyone took that as a sign to leave him alone rather than follow after him.

There was just too much going on in his head. He’d done his best to block out what might’ve been a fight with Steve, Clint, Natasha, Genna, and Thor over Loki and whatever betrayal it was to them, paying attention enough to read the uproared tone of voices then the calmed resolve. Following that, he opened his eyes and saw Loki was back in the room and paid attention to the following conversation. Loki was tortured then manipulated by this Thanos guy and Bruce was glad no one needed details. Beyond that, everyone seemed to come to the collective agreement that the god was fine to stay and hurt feelings were in the past.

He could tell Natasha didn’t trust him, but what she said about her approach was more than anything anyone could hope for.

Steve was both a surprise and not at the same time. Bruce was surprised he didn’t table the discussion, say they should bring SHIELD and Fury in to it, ask for everyone’s opinion, but he didn't. He said his own opinion and how he was going to face this problem in spite of everyone else and then the more Bruce thought about it, the more that made sense. The six, extended often to Genna and some others, had become a family over the year and there was trust in family. Over half of them believe Loki isn’t evil and not the one that attacked New York, four of which saw the damage of the torture punishment placed on him on Asgard, everyone saw mentally what everything from before his arrival on Earth to his second arrival on Earth did. Steve was understanding at his best and his worst, trusting to those that deserved it at his best and his worst, his position on this really wasn’t a surprise at the end of the day.

Clint all around was a different story and Bruce felt guilty finding relief in it. If Clint hadn’t had this revelation and discussed it with Natasha and Steve and then brought it up to the rest of the group when they showed up, this whole thing would’ve been different. Now guilt was something that he wouldn’t ask Clint to go through, but he knew without even having to look at him, having to ask, that he felt guilty for everything out of his control. Truth be told, he was sure they all did in their own way.

Maybe that was why they clicked so well. They knew what it was like to be so filled with guilt that they couldn’t breathe. And he was sure that the next day or so would show Loki fit right in with that.

There wasn’t any plastic bowls and when Bruce sarcastically made a remark about it and how accident prone this group was to himself, JARVIS informed him Tony had already ordered some. And that made him pause.

Tony, not more than Thor, was shaping into the biggest support for Loki and, while not surprising right now, it would have been a year ago. Bruce knew about the panic attacks though Tony didn’t talk about it and the engineer had spent the first two months constantly making snide comments about being thrown out of a window whenever it did or didn’t fit a conversation. Then around the third month he was making muses about what would have happened if Loki would’ve accepted the drink, when he first offered it, sometimes mentioning how he may hate Loki but his smirk was something relatable. By the seventh month, both him and Thor were coming to Bruce with how they were thinking something wasn’t too black and white with the Loki situation. And then they realized, truth be told, there was some grey area, but they realized that Loki was innocent and they had to right it. Of course Thor and Tony officially decided that that had to happen before they told the others and while Bruce was away on a retreat and too far away to be the voice of reason, but he was happy it happened that way rather than waiting.

For those three days Tony was desperately asking for Bruce’s interior decorating opinion on choices for Loki’s room no matter how many times he said he wasn’t an expert and he was sure it would be fine. He heard a lot of  _ “but what if he doesn’t like it?” _ and  _ “I just want to make sure he feels like we want him around” _ when Tony would catch him on a video call between a lecture or meditation session. And now his friend was the first one to run after Loki during that attack and stand up for him and point out little things everyone else didn’t think to think about.

Here he was again, buying something to solve a problem that involved Loki, thinking before someone else did. Maybe someone could say it was just the final straw: everyone was too accident prone around here and they couldn’t keep anything breakable, but everything else was aligning and he was a little worried. None of them had any idea who Loki really was aside from what Thor said and while he wasn’t trying to take over Earth and killing people and was without his powers, Bruce just felt… cautious. Being the voice of reason once again without really having to say anything.

Sighing, he decided he hid long enough and picked up the bowl and glass he’d filled, deciding they’d try something like rice next if Loki kept all of this down. He walked back out to the sitting area, heading right for him, noticing Natasha say something to Clint in a whisper before the two of them left the area. Tony was sitting sideways in the chair he’d been in before, his legs draped over the arm of that chair and the one next to it, his feet planted on the seat, fiddling with something on his phone. Steve was sitting on the arm of the chair closest to the sofa, but across from the ones Tony was occupying, looking like he was trying to keep himself from staring at Loki. Genna walked over and sat in the chair next to him as she awkwardly looked between everyone like she was hoping for any words at all. Thor had moved a bit away from Loki, giving him some space, while he was sitting exactly where he was, pressed a little against the arm of the sofa, keeping his gaze away from everyone.

Steve looked up when he noticed Bruce came back from the kitchen. The room was uncomfortably silent after everything that just happened and he wasn’t exactly sure what to do. He was glad someone said something about getting Loki some food, both because it broke up the awkward space and because apparently they had interrupted him eating earlier. He turned his head to look over at Natasha and Clint when he heard her say something about going with her and the both of them left.

Oddly, that made him feel a little alone. He was the only one left that hadn’t been there the night before, hadn’t been there for the decision to bring Loki back to Earth. It was a little more than feeling out of the loop, it was kinda like he was one in the way of them all.

Still, for some reason, the idea of leaving felt more awkward. He could get out of the suit he was still in, shower, get some sleep, all completely normal, but then he was leaving before everyone else left. He could follow Natasha and Clint, but he knew they wanted to be alone. Maybe leaving was the normal thing to do, but he didn’t know for sure. Maybe he was just staying to try to get involved somehow.

Finally, he looked over at Loki who was running his spoon through the applesauce, just staring at it. Maybe he just wanted to be alone. He knew he would. He actually wanted to be alone a lot more than he ever said because he could just be Steve who would probably be going through things the rest of his life. Alone Loki could actually digest what was happening to him, though maybe he didn’t want that. All of this still had to be pretty weird and foreign to him, but everyone around him was stiff or observing him like he could implode any second, except for Tony who made this look like it was normal. And Steve realized there was no way he could just guess how he was feeling because this is different person to person. He hated it when people thought they could imagine what it was like to be going through what he has been going through, here he was doing it to Loki even if he didn’t say any of it out loud.

“Yeah, not I gotta know if Hair can get sick with the flu,” Tony said before stretching a little, moving to sit in a normal direction, and encouraging Bruce to sit next to him.

“What?” Steve asked, it taking a moment for him to connect the nickname to Thor and to remember the whole thing from earlier.

“You know, the lie. How we were trying to get Thor sick? Now I’m wondering if we could do it.”

“I don’t think…” He himself couldn’t get sick with it anymore and he was human, he doubted Thor could.

“I mean if we made a superflu of some sort maybe.”

“Isn’t that dangerous for everyone else?”

“It is,” Bruce confirmed.

“C’mon. It would be fun to see if he can get sick.”

“He’s been ill before,” Loki interjected and everyone turned to look at him. “Though only a wager, anything he has been ill with or could become ill with in the future would kill any human in under a day.”

Everyone grew quiet as they watched him pick at his food and take a bite and then another. Maybe they were surprised by what he said, maybe just that he spoke at all.

“Well then Genna would just have to heal us if we get sick with an Asgardian supervirus.” Tony was the first to speak again and he looked over at her.

“My powers don’t just work that way,” she responded, shaking her head. “They don’t really do that well with illness.”

“Why do we keep you around then?”

Steve opened his mouth to interject, telling Tony it was enough, but Genna spoke before he could.

“Maybe because you blow your ass up every other week.”

“Excuse you, it’s every week with breaks for holidays.”

“Okay, okay.” Steve put up a hand. “We’re not playing with anything that could turn into biological warfare. Thor is just fine not getting sick with the flu.”

“That cannot be more true,” Loki spoke again. “When he’s ill it’s dreadful. Complaining is constant, truly a mess in a figurative and literal sense. Maim him and he will simply get up and jest over it, but if he falls ill, the end of existence is more easily survived.”

And, god, Tony swore he could see a bit of a smirk grace thin but well shaped and perfect lips. He didn’t notice how perfect they were until that second, even if he had seen him smirk before. It was something about the small ghost of a smirk mixed with his emerald eyes turning just slightly to look over at Thor as he tilted his head.  _ Shit. _

Thor in turn laughed a little, shaking his head, and it was enough for Tony to pull himself out of his thoughts about a Loki smirk and his green eyes for the moment. “I think you may be mistaken for yourself brother.”

“Mistaken? Was it not you that made it storm for two weeks the last time you grew weathered?” But it didn’t stop Tony from thinking this lightness suited him as his features relaxed, falling into the banter like an artist of words.

“Lies, brother, lies.” And though Thor was still joking and his tone was light, Tony watched Loki deflate at the words a little. He pulled his cheeks back and his lips into a thin line and it looked like he was holding back something. He wondered if the time and place and all the circumstances were different he would have pushed back some. But now in this moment, he nodded stiffly, looking like a mix of resigned and worried, and looked back at his bowl. The ease that came so casually was gone.

Tony shifted his gaze to Thor who, if the expression on his face had anything to say about it, seemed to think he caused this somehow. Guilt was coming even though really all that had happened was that he got caught up in the banter and was more or less joking. Loki appeared to take it differently though and Tony wasn’t exactly sure why, but he could figure this was all just sensitive and raw and laid out right in front of everyone and made itself the first lesson. And the banter, the smirks, the laughs, the look into what life had been for them as brothers left and reminded them of the reality. Things could come back, but it took care and time.

And maybe not so much dwelling on it.

“Loki… I didn’t mean…” Thor started and maybe there needed to be some clearing up, but it was also just as possible that it needed to be left alone and save it for the more severe occurrences.

“Jeez, way to ruin my plans with being gods or aliens or whatever.” Some could say Tony was a pro at moving conversations along, but he actually was just terrible with awkward. And the people that knew him well tended to see through it. “But maybe it’s good not to get Thor sick if he’ll send a flood or whatever.”

Loki looked up at him then with big eyes and he wished he could just know what he was thinking. It was really hard to try to guess this one. He barely knew what any of this meant, but Thor accidentally said something and Tony accidentally said something and he had some thoughts to both. His eyes displayed the thoughts but it wasn’t something Tony knew how to read. Maybe he could learn. He wanted to learn.

“Me? Uh, nothing?” Steve’s words pulled Tony out of his thoughts and he noticed Loki had already turned away from him. How long had he been just staring at the side of his head? Was he even staring the whole time? He looked over at Thor and noticed he was looking at him, looking confused.

“Oh?” Loki questioned. “I could have sworn we possibly crossed paths.”

“We did you just didn’t really… I mean you swung the scepter at me and I blocked a blast of whatever it was that was directed at… an old man, but…” Steve paused and Tony swore he forgot to breathe as he looked over at Loki to see what any of the was doing to him. There was no sign of panic, just him looking back at Steve and nodding. Tony suspected he was hiding his emotions some, but he wasn’t about to ask about anything Loki was trying not to let anyone notice.

Steve ended up shaking his head. “But that wasn’t really you so even then… you didn’t do anything to us.”

“And you’re truly taking me on my word?”

“Your word, Clint’s word, Thor’s word, my eyes. We still need to know you, but… as I said, you’re not the same person that was here last and I can already tell that.”

Loki looked down at the mostly empty bowl he still held in his lap. He hoped if he ended up disappointing them that it wouldn’t reflect badly on Thor. Looking beyond his guilt over New York and what he couldn’t remember there, he always wasn’t what someone wanted around. He learned as a child that he wasn’t  _ easy _ to get along with. He learned before his fall he probably couldn’t hope to be what anyone wanted. Thor loved him, Frigga loved him, so they could handle him he supposed, but beyond that, he was used to not being wanted around. These people would learn the same, just at this point in his life, he had it all to lose if he even had anything in the first place. Now was just the question of when they would all realize it.

“And maybe it would help if I actually introduced myself.”

He turned his gaze back to the man he’d been speaking with, who sounded so reassuring and always looking out for the best for everyone and in everyone, all shown in the short time he knew him. He was already standing, extending his hand to him.

“Steve Rogers.”

He nodded, slow to response, but taking the hand extended anyway. “Loki…” He paused, looked away, unsure what name to use, not sure what name he was allowed to anymore. “Loki.” He felt Thor pat his knee, unsure if it was him letting him know his choice was okay, it was okay to say more, or just comfort, but he left his name at simply  _ “Loki.” _

Rogers didn’t seem to care or mind and nodded too. “Nice to officially meet you.”

“Likewise, it’s a pleasure.” And he managed a smile, meaning his words, trying to ignore his thoughts about how this may not last long, sure it wouldn’t be the man’s fault.

He smiled back too before backing up and sitting on on the table across from him. “So don’t get you guys sick, huh?”

Loki almost wished for the conversation over it to drop. Though not Thor’s intention he was sure, it had wrapped right around to the fact he lies. Which wasn’t false, but it wasn’t something he was lying about and he was trying hard not to lie, aside from anything light to keep people from fussing over him and thinking him weaker than they already did.

Still, he figured Rogers wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself so it was only natural to direct the conversation back.

“It would be best for everyone else.” He didn’t offer more to the conversation, hoping to find something else to talk about himself. He glanced past Rogers to Fair and wondered if now would be best to try to get information on her powers, but then he decided against it. His relationship with all of them was thin and that may look suspicious to anyone on high alert. Maybe none of them were, but it wasn’t worth the chance for a mere curiosity.

Thor reached for his bowl, but waited for him to hand it to him before he took it, asking without asking if he was done. He got up and carried it off to the kitchen, Loki left to watch him disappear, knowing full well he was alone with the other four in the room. He placed his hands in his lap and gripped at his knees, taking hold of the cloth that made up the pants he was wearing.

“Why don’t I show you your room?” Stark spoke and gained his attention. There he was talking about this room or whatever it was again. Loki couldn’t imagine it was much, he wouldn’t have been surprised if it was a glorified cell. Cell. He felt his heart stop at the thought of the word.

He glanced where Thor had disappeared to, debating whether or not he should wait for him. He was sure he already knew about this room with how Stark talked about it. Why was he so enthusiastic about it? A space to sleep, was a space to sleep.

“So you can take a bath or a shower and get some rest and some time alone?”

A bath? He supposed it made sense there was a washroom off the space. And time alone sounded just as pleasing. It was just that this meant that he was going somewhere with one of these people he barely knew and had wronged, farther away from Thor. He still stared after where he disappeared, but nodded stiffly.

“We’ll let Thor know where we went.” Stark sounded closer so Loki turned and found him standing in front of him with his hand extended. He looked between him and his hand then let his confusion show. “Help up you know.” And Loki felt a little stupid for not assuming, but he was also surprised it was offered. He took his hand and let him help him get up. “Lean on me or hold my arm if you need help staying upright.”

So far Loki was still exhausted, but he could walk and moved along with Stark as he led him to two metal doors that pulled apart to reveal a small room. He followed him inside, looking around, noticing the doors close after them and stiffened some, remembering he was far away and alone with one of the humans he’d previously fought before he reminded himself that Thor trusted this man and he hadn’t harmed him when he had many chances before.

In fact he helped him when he really didn’t need to.

He felt the room start to move and then it occurred to him that it was a lift. They were a bit uncommon on Asgard, the architectural designs preferring stairs, but he’s seen them before, been in one before and at the moment was relieved that Midgard had them.

The doors opened again to reveal a hallway, exiting the lift revealed there was a few doors.

“I would’ve put you next to Thor, but Steve was already there,” Stark said, shrugging and leading him over to a door down the hall a ways. “Bruce is on the other side of the hall though so you’re not alone here.”

Loki glanced over to the door that must belong to Banner since it was across from his. This hallway seemed to cover a decent amount of space and it had him wondering how big these rooms were. Surely not his. He just needed a place to sleep and he couldn’t even imagine he’d have anything more. Well, aside from the bath promised.

Stark opened the door he approached wide and walked right in. Loki sped up his steps a little to catch up, but slowed to a stop mere steps from the doorway. This wasn’t just simply something thrown together standard for just someone staying at the tower. This looked like a space put together for him. Stark really meant what he said to him.

Tony could admit that maybe he was speeding this up so he could show off a little, even if he also wanted to get Loki some probably much needed alone time and much wanted cleaning up and relaxation. He also wanted the god’s opinion more than anything. He’d been questioning and questioning every decision since he started, wanting this to be perfect.

“So here’s the living room or sitting area or living space or whatever you call it on Asgard, I never really asked Thor,” he said, motioning around the front room. He actually wasn’t sure if they even had an equivalent on Asgard. Come to think of it, it was weird it didn’t come up. He had him describe Loki’s room as best as he could remember and he gather that it was big, imagined the closest thing he could to the furniture and style and landed on a mix of victorian and modern and what he figured was his imagination of what he could find on Earth that looked like space, though the space thing drove the modern aspect more than anything. And apparently victorian modern was actually a thing. Then he threw in a lot of green and some gold, but not to the point where it was distasteful, some gold detailing like handles and knobs and a couple vases. The sofa and chairs were curved, covered in dark green, velvet fabric, the table was glass top, angled legs, vase on top, green walls with an accent wallpaper wall that had an embossed pattern, and a large bookshelf from ceiling to floor, surrounding the TV.

“Thor said you like to read and I couldn’t really get the book from Asgard, but I pulled together popular ones here, some of my favorites, and some others that sounded like something you’d like.” The shelves there were full with everything he could possibly pull together because he imagined Loki probably read fast. If he even had interest in any of them. “But there’s also a library with more three floors up and JARVIS can help you buy more when you want.”

He motioned toward the TV. “And I added a profile for you on all the streaming services we have… which is all of them. So movies, shows, whatever you can find on there and in the library there is a lot of shelves of ton of movies and shows too. And, you know, like the books, if there’s more you want, let Jarv know.”

He moved back through the front room and around over by the wall across from the bookshelf that the sofa was against. “Back here is the kitchen. Bruce has you eating boring stuff right now and I don’t know if you really have cooked or anything, but I’ll get food in there for you whenever you’re ready. And…”

When he turned around and actually took a second to look at Loki to see if he was still following, he found him looking around the sitting area, eyes wide, scanning everything, looking a bit wet, filling a little with tears. He put a hand to his mouth, turning to the bookshelf, and Tony felt, again, like he was watching something he shouldn’t even though it was only natural that he was. But since Loki didn’t seem to notice he saw, he decided to carry on like he didn’t.

“So the bedroom and bathroom are this way.”

Loki wasn’t sure how long Stark had been talking since he’d stopped listening. He knew he’d probably been telling him something important about everything in this space, but as soon as he saw it, all he could think about was his shock. Such care had gone into this and it showed. Maybe this was how all the rooms looked, but he’d heard him say multiple times that he consulted Thor. He took time to put this together for him so he had a space he liked before he even met him. Or well, he’d met him, but knew him. Even at this time it wasn’t too bold to say they were only strangers, but still then there was this space and care in this space and he had a place to live in for the first time in years. A place that was made with his likes and dislikes in mind and so expertly executed he wondered how even if Thor had watched every moment of it being put together.

And when Stark’s words reached him, he realized he’d started to cry. Sobering up fast, he straightened his stance up, turning to face him, trying to salvage from his shown weakness again and to his relief it seemed like Stark hadn’t noticed. Or at least didn’t allude to it.

He nodded and quickly followed after him as he lead him past another area behind the wall the sofa was against and down a short hallway, through another door, and into the bedroom. His eyes found the bed first and it was the same size as his old bed, frame curved like the other furniture, covered with pillows.

“I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible but if it’s not, let me know and I’ll fix whatever,” Stark said, Loki unsure why, after doing all of this for him already, he would suggest that it was acceptable for him to say he wanted it different. He looked at him again as if that would give him any answers about why he was such a curiosity.

“Also I was wrong earlier, there’s some clothes for you, couple more T-shirts and cloth pants.” He motioned to a chest of drawers. “But definitely not enough and I’ll have you pick out some stuff whenever you’re ready.”

“And the last stop of our tour…” He opened a door behind him, walking right inside. Loki followed along, taking another glance back, still soaked in amazement from everything else he’d seen.

This next, and final, room was very clearly a washroom. He recognized the bath to his right, the sink to his left, toilet beyond that and looked to Stark who was standing by something in the corner beyond the bath with two glass walls.

“Okay for this shower the water comes out of the top and you can tell JARVIS to turn it on and get it to the right temp for you so you don’t like freeze your ass off trying to turn it on. Shampoo is the white top bottle, conditioner is the black top. I made a guess over what would be good for your hair so if this doesn’t make it whatever you want, we’ll try the next one. Thor said you like the smell of some Asgard tree… which we don’t have so I just guessed on the body wash too. Let me or Jarvis know if you hate it and we’ll try another scent.” He motioned to each of the bottles as he talked about them and Loki nodded along in understanding.

“Oh, and in here is a bunch of things everyone around finds relaxing in the bath.” He walked past him and opened one of the doors of the cabinet under the sink. “Bath salts, bath oils, bath bombs, bubble bath, all different scents. I just kinda ordered extra of everything people use around here.”

Loki bit at his bottom lip and nodded, doing his best to stop himself from getting overwhelmed again. He looked down, watching his toes as he clenched them against the wood floor then lay them flat again. He repeated it a couple times, silent. He couldn’t understand why these people were being so kind, barely knowing him, after he had wronged them.

“Why?” he asked finally, not sure why he let the question out, but wanting to just know all the same.

“What?” Stark questioned, sounding confused.

“Why have you done all of this for me?” he clarified, then cringed and shook his head. “That was rude of me to ask…”

“No, no, it wasn’t. Ask whatever you want, okay?” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know. I wanted you to have your own space? Everyone else does around here and… I mean I didn’t know what you exactly were going through on Asgard before you got here but… a cell sucks regardless and you’ve had a shit time for a long time… I don’t know I… yeah.”

Loki looked up at him, maybe being more expressive than he really wanted, but let his bewilderment be known. Still he didn’t say anything more, unsure why the answer made him more confused about him, but deciding he would remain confused. This wasn’t something terrible to be confused about even if it made him wonder how much of this was too good to be true.

“So… uh yeah, I’ll let you get a bath or a shower in, have some alone time, sleep, whatever. If you want to come back and hang around us you always can just ask JARVIS where we are or someone can come to you. Let us know when you’re hungry too and we’ll figure that out. And let Jarv know if you need anything.” He hovered for a couple moments longer before passing him. Loki turned to watch him leave the room and moments later heard the door shut out in the front room.

He was alone.

Wandering back into the bedroom, Loki looked to the bed again. The single item seemed to sum up what all the space meant and what all it was. This place was here to make him comfortable, make him feel at ease and nothing more. This wasn’t a trick and, maybe it was too soon, he trusted Stark. Too much work went into this should it be one and he couldn’t see Thor making friends with and trusting anyone capable of such a terrible trick. He trusted that Stark put this together for his well being and it was that simple. And now more than anything he was terrified of losing it. How long did he have before they found out he wasn’t someone to want around? How long until he lost all of this?

Slowly, he sank to the floor, turning to rest his back against the side of the bed, curling in on himself, hiding his face, forehead to his knees. He cried then, truly, fully, completely, sobbed. It was a release of it all and free from the view of everyone else. Being alone opened himself to this and he could just cry. There was relief in it even if he was still just beside himself in his fear and sorrow.

It was minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty, he couldn’t know for sure, before he pulled himself up and out of the position, the soreness from his eyes hurting his head.

He entered the bathroom to start a bath when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His eyes were swollen from crying and exhaustion, cheekbones prominent, paler than normal, his hair a tangled mess. He looked better than how he felt but he looked dreadful all the same. Leaning forward on his palms on the side of the counter, the tears returned. He sank to the floor again, this time his back against the cabinet under the sink rather than the bed. With what he’d done, how weak he felt and looked, how much trouble he’d been and caused, he knew that it would be soon that everyone grew tired of it, turn him away, and he couldn’t imagine what would become of him then.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony returns to the common floor and Thor has something to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is really short compared to the others so apologies on that end. i just knew if i didn't end it where i did, then it wouldn't reach a stopping point for a long time and i think this was a good place to end this chapter.
> 
> happy holidays everyone and i hope you enjoy!

“Hey JARVIS, how’s he doing?” Tony hated to ask, it was such an invasion of Loki’s alone time, but he also wanted to make sure he knew enough how to run a bath or the shower. JARVIS would’ve helped, he knew that, he just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Loki asking him why he did all this for him was really sitting with him. Thinking about him being worried about being rude by asking a logical question made it worse. This was so different from the one that was here last, which was given, but he still had an inkling that Loki was more confident, less apologetic over things he didn’t have to apologize for before all the shit happened to him.

_ “Currently crying, sir.” _

Crying? “Stop at the next floor.” He’d already gotten in the elevator, making his way to the common area before he asked about Loki and now he was regretting his decision a little. He felt the elevator stop and the doors opened.

Maybe he shouldn’t be regretting the decision to head up to the others. He wasn’t sure what he expected to do about Loki crying. It wasn’t like he could really help and maybe he really needed to just cry. And if he just barged right back in the room and told him JARVIS told him he was crying that kind of ruined the promise of him getting to be alone. No, he really needed to not invade his privacy like he just did and not worry about him. JARVIS would say if anything serious came up so it was best to just let him cry and give him the space he needed.

Still, he wouldn’t want him to be stuck in it for too long and didn’t want the crying session to make everything worse. “Can you just let me know if the crying gets longer than like an hour with no change?”

_ “Yes. Continue the ascent, sir?” _

“No, J, I’d just like to sit here on this floor with the door open and monopolize the elevator.”

The elevator didn’t move.

“Yes, JARVIS, I’d like to get up to the common floor, please.”

The elevator doors shut and the elevator started moving again.

“Remind me again when you learned how to be a smartass.”

_ “Day one after creation, following your lead sir.” _

Tony snorted, shaking his head, smiling a bit with pride at the fact.

The elevator took him the rest of the way to the common floor and he walked out of it, making his way over to the four who were sitting in the sitting area. “I think I should add interior decorator to my…” he paused when he noticed they were all sort of sitting there with a mix of worried and concerned expressions, Thor’s looking more forlorn, Steve leaning forward on his knees with his face in his hands, Genna looking at Thor like she was expecting him to say something more, Bruce staring at a potential spec on the floor with eyes wide. “Who died?”

Steve rubbed his face and looked up at Tony, shaking his head. “Thor has to go back to Asgard,” he said, letting a sigh out.

“Has to go back to Asgard?” He turned to Thor, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Aye,” the god answered, looking more withered as he stated the fact.

“So, you’re just gonna leave Loki here with us? He barely wanted to leave this floor without you. You’re kinda the only one he trusts right now. You know that, right?”

“If I had another choice I would stay.” He paused for more of a statement, but when Stark still stared at him, he looked down and took in a breath. “I told my mother I would ensure Loki’s safety and return. I must potentially atone for freeing Loki and helping him out of Asgard or, should our ruse have worked, that I was away settling a matter on another realm and someone else freed Loki, I must help maintain the ruse.” He took in another breath but let it out slowly, shaking his head. “Something is not right with my father and I must attempt to obtain more information on that if I am able.”

“Your daily life sounds like a fucking reality show.”

“It is reality Stark.” Thor put force in his words and Stark shook his head in response and opened his mouth to speak again, but he put a hand up. “I mean to keep peace. It is not my intention to inconvenience you. I brought Loki here because it was our plan and it is the only place I trust to watch after him and where he will remain safe. I leave because it is for his safety and I have no other choice.”

“I still don’t see how this is gonna be any good for him, but fine if it’s good for this episode of Keeping up with the Asgardians… by all means go back to happy magic land and we’ll try to-”

“It’ll be fine Thor,” Rogers interrupted and smiled to add a bit more reassurance. “If this keeps Asgard from coming here after him, then it’s probably what you need to do, right?” He let himself feel the reassurance and, though Stark really didn’t seem like he was going to allow himself to understand right now, he felt reassurance in his trust in him knowing his care for his brother. Care after only knowing him hours. Care that was the complete opposite of his feelings toward him months ago. It wasn’t easy to explain Stark but Thor found it easy to trust him for a long time and he could see Loki doing the same too.

“But you gotta tell him because I’m not here for having to explain why you dropped him off and waved bye from the car.” Stark’s bitterness showed more than anyone else would probably notice. The others, he was sure, thought perhaps it was him being unfair to him, but he actually saw it as reason to feel leaving was a good choice.

“Tony…” Roger’s speaking only showed that and Thor certainly didn’t think less of him for it. It just showed he was ready to stop any fights, support his teams decisions, especially when they gave sound reasons for them. It also meant he was there to stop Stark from saying something he didn’t really want to say or mean.

“Fine. You did a lot Thor and I get this is gonna be hard for you too.” Thor could tell Stark meant his words even if he was sounding more like how Loki and him did in their youth following a disagreement their mother had words with them over. Or, more accurately, youth into adulthood right up to the day of his coronation. His breath caught in his throat as the thought of the significant time marker crossed his mind. “You happy now mom?” He was thankful he spoke again before his mind went too far in guilt.

“No, not really, but it’s fine.” Rogers shook his head and stood up stretching a bit with his arms up above his head.

“Wait, I thought Fury was mom?” Genna chimed in and suddenly the subject was changed easily. Something done often with this group that made Thor smile.

“He’s more like grandma, like the mom of Steve.”

Slowly, Rogers sat back down like he realized he was stuck there, listening to this debate, but in return Thor got to his feet and made his way to the elevator to go to Loki.

“Then who’s dad?”

“Bruce, duh.”

Thor even found himself laughing lightly as the elevator doors closed.

“JARVIS, is Loki alright if I speak with him?” He honestly wasn’t too sure what state his brother was in or even what he was doing. He hoped he was settling into his new quarters, knowing Stark had pulled something together to make him comfortable, but he knew that this was possibly all too jarring for that to just happen. And he was about to make it more jarring.

_ “He is alright with it, yes.” _

And here it would happen right away. It was the best way for it to go. He should have returned to Asgard long before now and it was always best to get the hardest thing done as soon as possible. That was always how his mother saw it.

The sentiment didn’t make what he was about to do any easier, but he knew it had to be him and had to be done and so his feet carried him over to the nearest door that wasn’t Banner’s and his arm lifted his hand to knock.

There was a “you may enter” as a response and Thor turned the handle, opened the door, and entered. The space was stunningly so similar to his brother’s tastes he wondered how Stark had captured it by the questions he’d asked him. The green, the touches, the patterns, the shapes, everything. And the only thing that seemed out of place was the t-shirt and cloth pants his brother was wearing. Different than the ones before, but, though he had before now, it was still strange to see him in midgardian clothes and may be for the next few times. Especially until he did the choosing for his wardrobe. But otherwise, where his brother was even fit what he could expect. Better than what he could expect.

“I have been informed this is not all Midgard has to offer for reading,” Loki said, his fingers running over spines. His hair was dripping on the ends and Thor found some relief in evidence with the distinct grooves and lines of the strands, he had been able to comb through it all in spite of the tangles it was in before. Like him, like most of Asgard, Loki took some pride in his hair even if Thor could tell by the waves forming, it was going to look a bit different than usual. It was all relieving, seeing him so casual and just talking about literature and clean and sounding light.

“Not that I was surprised, truthfully. Most anywhere has more to read than one could ever hope, even with lives as long as ours.” Loki told him once that he found that to be a challenge as if the universe was daring him to complete that feat.

Pulling out a book, Loki turned to face him and that’s when it became clear, things weren’t casual and smooth and Thor felt guilt over how it wasn’t, how he’d expected them to be, over his relief when he thought they were, over his disappointment when Loki’s swollen, red eyes told him more than he needed to know.

Loki tried, he tried so very hard to put on the act of okay from the moment JARVIS told him Thor wanted to speak with him to when he walked into the room to now when the light left his expression when he turned around.

He managed to stand himself up again, decided to try the shower, finding it pleasing to feel the water fall on him rather than soak in it. It reminded him of the times in Vanaheim where they relaxed at the waterfall, few of the times where he felt he belonged with Thor and his friends. He found the clothes out of the chest of drawers Stark motioned to, matched them to what he’d been wearing previously as closely as possible, colors and what was on the shirt were the only difference. He combed through his hair, shocked by the ease he managed though it wasn’t clean of troubles with tangles. And he was still upright, still on his way to moving forward when the tears came again.

It wasn’t long and he jumped when he heard JARVIS speak and it was enough to pull him back into focus. He had to be okay for Thor. He’d shown enough weakness today, caused enough guilt in Thor, been enough of someone to fuss over. He had enough he could pull together of himself to pretend. And though he definitely didn’t want to hurt Thor by lying to him, he couldn’t be doing anything wrong if the pretending and covering up was only beneficial to others. If he was okay, he wasn’t in the way. At least not more in the way than he already was and had been.

And pretending was working. It was working so well, Thor had a real smile on his face, the sunlight he radiated naturally was there, and Loki watched it retreat to all the corners of himself no sooner than he actually looked at Thor.

He broke eye-contact and looked down. “What was it you needed, brother?”

This wasn’t harder than he knew it would be, but harder in the moment rather than the abstract concept. Thor wasn’t sure if it was worse knowing his brother had possibly been crying since he was left alone and he’d tell him about having to leave or if it was worse ruining his calm and ease with the news. And then he knew the former, the reality, was worse no matter what. It meant what he was about to do wouldn’t be any help.

“I… not anything I need, not from you. It is what I must do and what I must tell you before I do.”

“Oh?” was all he received as a response and, though Loki sounded confused, he knew it was also said to urge him along. As soon as possible.

“I must return to Asgard.”

It felt like his legs were collapsing beneath him, but somehow he stayed perfectly upright, in the same position, staring at the ground between them, book gripped tightly in his right hand. “Oh.” He was surprised he managed any noise at all as the air started feeling thick and this space started feeling more like the stranger it was again.

“I know not how long. Mother and Heimdall helped cover our leave, but I must return to continue my part.” He felt he was holding back something to it with his lack of details, but he was too focused on the fact he was leaving to think about any other aspect to it.

“And I am to remain here… without you.”

“Yes. It is the only way, if it were not I would stay, but I will return.”

His stiffness reached his jaw as he clenched his teeth together, trying to think through how he will possibly manage to remain in the others’ favor for an indefinite amount of time or until he could plan his own options for backup.

“And you’re safe here. I would not leave if I did not believe so.”

Of course he was safe right now. He was with good people who wouldn’t hurt someone that for some reason they believed did no wrong to them. He had been manipulated but still did it, yet they didn’t blame him and so they wouldn’t harm him. This was until somehow, in some way, he would give them reason to dislike him, find him untrustworthy, not worth having around, a monster.

“No harm will come to you in my absence. I know you have no reason to, but trust me, brother.”

And that was really the whole issue of it. He had every reason to trust Thor and he did. He trusted him with his life and that was why it was hard to fathom him leaving and leaving so shortly after their arrival. Leaving when he didn’t even know all the names of the people that lived in this building with him.

But this also defined the whole situation because Thor needed to leave and Loki needed to not get in the way of that. He needed to not be a burden. He had to move forward and accept this was how it was and nod and stand tall because he could control this. Other things that would happen later to show he wasn’t amenable might be out of his control. He would be showing Thor and showing the others he wouldn’t be in the way by not fighting what he knew had to happen.

He lifted his head, looked at Thor, and nodded. “Go. Be safe.” He turned away, but that didn’t stop him from knowing how stunned Thor was and in that moment he realized it may have been appropriate for him to fight more. No, he had to show he was fine, he wasn’t weak, he could handle what was expected of him.

Thor hovered for a minute, maybe two, in silence as Loki tried to pretend to go back to exploring the books. It felt like it was quickly becoming too long and too hard to exist in this silence with the heavy feeling of Thor staring at him.

Then, before it was far too long, he heard Thor step over to him and felt a kiss to the side of his head. “I will make as quick of work of it as I can.” And then he was gone from his side and out the door with it shut behind him.

Loki leaned forward on the shelf in front of him, the tears fighting their way back up. He wasn’t sure if he could do this, live in the space of once and potentially again enemies in the first place, but now it was without Thor.

Swallowing it all down, deciding now was the time to throw together his best false okay, he shoved it all away and slid another book, then another, then another from the shelves and carried them to his room, hoping a Midgardian escape would be his ally in this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's in the lab when JARVIS tells him Loki's experiencing a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! i'm late again with a chapter, but currently i'm sick and have been having some back pain which is literally all i can think about. i've also moved in with my grandparents for a bit to help them out while my grandma's injured, but once i'm feeling better i should be able to keep up with writing again.
> 
> this chapter is short again because i kept going ( meaning the next chapter is partially written right now ) and it just wasn't going to end for a long time so i thought i would get this part up since there was a good stopping point and then get the next up once i write on it more.
> 
> there's violence in loki's nightmare just as a warning and a following panic attack.
> 
> i hope you enjoy the chapter!

The rest of the day was weird. It was kind of like there was this god downstairs and everyone knew it, but they weren’t going to talk about it until they just had to. Yet, it also wasn’t in a way that said they were really avoiding the topic. They just sort of moved on. At least that’s how Tony saw everyone else acting. Maybe it was haunting them over the top of their mind like “there’s a god downstairs who may or may not be crying or may or may not be sleeping or may or may not be hungry and struggling to figure out food and JARVIS is just not understanding he needs help or may or may not be very upset about Thor leaving, but for some reason isn’t saying anything because he hates himself,” but that was probably all how his brain was working. And all of those thoughts weren’t exactly hovering over his brain, they’d landed, started a rock band, got the biggest speakers, and were holding a free concert.

But no one else was saying anything and when Tony was alone with his thoughts and felt weird bringing them up casually, they just got worse. Yes, maybe he spoke his mind a lot in the perspective of outside parties, but that was only when he thought he’d get more of a response than a shrug or an “I’m sure it’s fine, Tony” or some expression of exasperated annoyance.

Or when he actually understood what he was feeling and thinking. Because ever since Thor showed up with Loki last night, he hasn’t really understood what was happening. He just was acting because he felt right to act when it did and only thinking and feeling what he was because it felt right to think and feel those things. Kinda how he vaulted a sofa, bounded up steps, and skidded to his knees to be there for someone he barely know. Kinda how he was analyzing and analyzing why in the universe that same person was reprimanding himself over a simple, logical question. Kinda how Tony felt like he knew exactly why Loki was acting how he was because he just knew. And for the love of the Hulk he couldn’t figure out why he himself was feeling or acting this way or thinking so hard he couldn’t figure out why no one else was falling apart.

Everyone just moved on with their day. After escaping the mom, dad, grandma debate Steve went off to shower, sleep, then train. Thor showed up to give a final goodbye before he was no longer on the planet. Bruce disappeared into the lab. Genna went back to her room for rest. And that was until all of them, minus Thor, but plus the two spies, rejoined the common room for lunch. They talked about the mission Steve, Clint, and Natasha went on, Bruce talked about his retreat he abandoned, they talked about planning a movie night, what was for dinner. But nothing about Loki.

He wasn’t mentioned until Bruce said he was taking rice to him and he disappeared into the elevator and to the god’s room. He came back too quick for there to have been much of a conversation or anything like that, but Bruce didn’t say anything and just went back to his afternoon and evening.

And when pizza was ordered and everyone came back to grab some, they all disappeared back to what they were doing again.

Tony chose the natural place for him: the workshop.

_ “Sir.” _

A half eaten slice of pizza had grown cold next to him probably hours ago, but the scent was still there, reintroduced to his mind coming out of the deep thinking. The screen in front of him was running numbers for a power reduced repulsor beam that he fiddled with often as a default when he was thinking about something else lately. The development of the project followed the first one, same purpose, just out of date, which was the result of his and Pepper’s split. This new one was just as useful as playing music you knew in the background while you work on something. Which was all ironic the deeper he thought about it.

And tonight’s big think piece was Loki and he felt a bit bad about it. Loki probably didn’t want anyone thinking about him this much. Tony certainly didn’t for every shit pie he had to eat through and when people did he pushed them away. The god had done no such thing, opting for faking as much as possible - he knew an “I’m totally not falling apart” face when he saw one - and maybe that fit him or fit how he just was reacting to this. He wondered if it wasn’t so much Loki didn’t want to be alone, but actually he just didn’t want to be noticed. At least not noticed only for his reactions to his trauma and anxiety. Maybe he wanted support, Tony did too, but there was a difference between fret and support.

But here Tony was making assumptions when he couldn’t really know.

_ “Sir.” _

JARVIS had to repeat himself again and Tony winced when he realized he’d just been so lost in thought again.

“Yeah, J, I know it’s past my bedtime,” he said before even looking at the clock. Five AM. Tony wondered if Steve got up for his morning run and asked if he was still up and asked JARVIS to hound him.

_ “That may be, sir, however I am attempting to inform you that Loki is experiencing a nightmare.” _

It was weird hearing the god’s first name instead of a last name, but he remembered back to him referring to himself only by his first earlier. JARVIS picked up on the discomfort on the subject with ease that only Tony’s AI could.

_ “Should I wake him?” _

Nightmare. Loki was having a nightmare. And at first Tony thought it would be best to have JARVIS wake him and that way he was out of the nightmare and no one went into his space. But then Tony remembered all the jumping from Loki earlier when JARVIS spoke and maybe a JARVIS wake up wasn’t the best. What would really be the best would be waking up Thor and having him try, but that wasn’t an option.

“No, I’ll try.” Sometimes it was just easier to wake up to someone who could just talk you down after. Even if you may be weird, complicated, once enemies but one sided and not really, acquaintances, it would just be easier. Maybe. He was going to find out.

He didn’t exactly run, but he sped walked to the elevator and sped walked to Loki’s door, pausing just for a second before going in.

Loki was on Asgard again. It was a feast to celebrate some accomplishment of Thor’s and everything was normal. It wasn’t a past celebration, everyone looked too different for that, but it was as though nothing over the last couple years had happened. Yet, it wasn’t long before everything turned. He was enjoying a sip from his glass of mead when he caught sight of the tattered tunic and pants he was wearing. Sooner following the realization Thor lunged for him, ordered Sif and Fandral to hold him down while Volstaag brought forward a hot iron rod.

It was brought to his chest, seared through his shirt to his flesh until he screamed. Sif and Fandral shoved him by his shoulders so he was forced upright again and that was when he caught sight of Thanos, sitting in the place at the table Odin had sat, grinning. The rod was brought to his chest again but this time it felt worse like it was burning right down to his core.

“Loki!”

The voice was distant, forceful, but distant and hard to hear over the screaming from his own brain.

“C’mon, wake up you got this.”

It was louder this time, the pain less.

“Loki!”

His eyes shot open, retracted his arm from the touch he felt, leg moving upward to place his foot on the front other’s shoulder and giving them a good shove away from him. He landed backwards on the floor, away from the bed.

“Shit,” he said and in that instant Loki realized it was Stark.

He wasn’t on Asgard he was in the room given to him by the man he’d just kicked to the floor. His chest rose and fell rapidly with breath, not slowing as realization of what he’d just done sank in.

“Fuck that kick-shove was strong. Note to self watch the legs.” He stood, rubbing his shoulder. He was smiling in spite of the injury, almost looking light about it. “Or you know, keep a respectful distance instead of being a dumbass.”

He stared at him, bewildered over why he was smiling, why there was no trace of anger on his features, why he currently wasn’t even yelling at him over his actions. His breath still hadn’t slowed due to not grasping what fully was happening and it made it difficult to get words out.

“I… I… I’m sorry… sorry… I’m…” He closed his eyes, downturning his head as he tried to get a grip on his breathing so he could properly apologize.

“No, hey, no, shh. It’s okay.” He felt the side of the bed dip, then lift again. He opened his eyes to find Stark hovering awkwardly next to the bed with hands raised. “Just breathe, okay? In… out, you know? In… out…”

He looked away from him, gripping his blanket, focusing on the words until his chest no long hurt from the rapid breath. He opened his eyes and looked to Stark again when he was more in control of his breathing. “I apologize.”

“Don’t apologize. First of all, could have been a lot worse, but for some reason you didn’t break a bone like I would expect… are you still exhausted? Wait, doesn’t matter right now. All I’ll get is a bruise so like maybe foul but waved. Second of all, I’m the one that came up to you, touched your shoulder while you were having a stress dream, so  _ I _ apologize. Third of all, don’t apologize because you don’t have to.”

He looked away again and down at the blanket in his lap. He’d had a nightmare in the first place that showed that he wasn’t okay, then he hurt the man that had shown him kindness by giving him a room. He expected this hurt his standing here, but everything Stark said and how he acted said it didn’t.

“You don’t have to talk about it at all, but you’re okay, right?”

And Loki wondered to what degree of okay was he asking about. Was he functioning? Yes. Was he breathing normal again? Yes. So, he nodded, but still just stared at the blanket like he was memorizing the pattern.

“I shouldn’t have just come in here, sorry.”

He turned to look at him then, curious. He truly looked regretful and he couldn’t understand why. This was owned by him, was it not? Well, he had said this was Loki’s room, but he owned the room and the building around it. At least that was what he’d understood so far.

“Uhm. I mean I told you this was your space to be alone and I kinda walked all over that. So I’m sorry.”

Was he explaining to him why he should be upset? He was and it made sense why he was so apologetic now, but Loki really wasn’t upset by it. He had every right to come into his room as Loki knew it was truly his. It was merely the space to inhabit.

“And scared you in the space that was supposed to comfort you. And now I’m still here standing here and staring at you when I could be leaving you alone to go back to sleep. I just was worried when JARVIS said you were having a nightmare… god and now I’m thinking about how invasive that is too. I just… when I have a nightmare it’s easier to just have someone there and I thought maybe that would be better. And now I’m making fucking excuses…”

“Stark?” He could tell he was spiraling and genuinely thought he did something awful, but truthfully, Loki didn’t think he did. He actually found himself stunned for a second by all of it. This man cared about him? Cared enough to want him to have comfort and when he thought he ruined that in the pursuit of the exact same thing, he fretted that he hurt him. This mortal was a curiosity indeed. Except he couldn’t possibly care, it was too soon, it had to be something else. But yet, he was so genuine.

“Sorry, I kinda just start talking sometimes. And I don’t mean occasionally… or not like this. I usually don’t just…” God, he was being obnoxious and not in the good way. He couldn’t remember the last time he rambled off like he was worried if he stopped talking the person would hate him.

“Stark, it is fine. I promise you. Thank you, I’ve forgotten the nightmare.” Something told him that he meant it was fine, but maybe not so much that he’d forgotten the nightmare. He wasn’t insulted by it, it took him a whole day to really stop thinking about it when he had one. He took the statement as reassurance instead, Loki wanted him to think he helped… or let him know he helped in some way. Maybe that’s what he meant by it.

“Tony, though. I don’t know if you heard my name at all today, but you can call me Tony. I mean Thor still calls us by our last names. So maybe that’s normal for you.”

“He does it out of respect. Referring to you by your first would mean he assumes mutual friendship.”

Wait, Thor didn’t think they were friends? Or, he didn’t think he thought of him as a friend? “I mean I thought we were friends… I call him by his name when I’m not calling him something stupid.”

Loki shrugged. “All I can do is suggest, and I suggest you tell him to call you Tony just as you’ve done me. Since that is your preferred way to be referred to.”

He guessed that made sense, he’d just assumed everyone just called each other what they wanted at their own speed, which everyone else did. But this was Thor and he came from a different place, which really should be easy to remember.

“I will refer to you as Tony, since you indicated you preferred it.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, Stark is just so… Mr. Stark is worse. Dr. Stark is shocking each time, but… yeah, Tony.”

He looked down at the bed and spotted the books that outlined Loki on one side of him. “Hey, Gatsby.” He reached over Loki and picked up the book looking over it. “You read Les Miserables too?” He set the first book down and picked up the next one. “Thor said you read fast but holy shit.” He set that book down too and looked over the others. The Book Thief, One Day, the Complete Collection of Sherlock Holmes short stories, and a couple others he couldn’t really see placed on the nightstand. “Well speedy, I’m impressed.”

“I see the books you provided on the shelves as a challenge to be bested.” Loki’s voice had a bit of pride in it and now Tony was starting to think of it as a challenge on his side too. He had to make sure he kept that shelf and the library stocked with books Loki hadn’t read. Maybe he had a couple weeks, but he was going to start a list ahead of time.

Still, he also knew a distraction when he saw one, which was all the more reason to make sure he had more than enough of that distraction.

“I suppose I should let you get more sleep…” Tony stood up straighter and turned to move toward the door, wondering when Genna would be up to look at his shoulder.

“How many did I kill?”

The question stunned him for a second, already thinking about coffee in a mug with his name on it, literally. He didn’t expect Loki to just ask it like that. He turned to face him but didn’t respond.

“I asked your… JARVIS, but he said he couldn’t reveal that information to me.”

And it was for a reason. After finding out Loki didn’t remember, the group decided that it was probably best if Loki just didn’t know. At least not until he remembered.

“I’m sorry I only wish…  I’m not sure why I asked.” And Tony kinda gathered that he wasn’t sure why he asked him. Not in an insulting way, just that the had resolved the nightmare thing and now he was asking for a measurement on how evil he was when he was here last.

“I… uh… actually don’t know.” It was a lie and maybe not fair to Loki, but he also didn’t think this was about numbers and wasn’t here for making Loki hate himself more than he already did.

“Oh.” He could tell he didn’t believe him.

And then it was awkwardly silent after that. Loki wanted to know something, maybe to some degree trusted Tony to tell him, maybe just suspected it really was terrible. Which it was, one death, three deaths, one hundred deaths, was all horrible, but now he was potentially taking it like it was so bad Tony couldn’t even begin to talk about it. And yeah, he could give him a number, but he didn’t want to. Loki didn’t need to sit on the number for the rest of his existence.

He really didn’t even need to sit on the abstract horrible concept of what it was the rest of his life.

“Hey, uh, come with me for a few.” He held out his hand to him and Loki blinked at it then him. “I wanna show you something.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony shows Loki what he was going to, breakfast, and some group interactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after a century and a half i finally got this chapter done. i got sick like the day i got to my grandparents'. i've gotten over the cold, but i still have ear infections in both ears and there is still drainage in them from when i was sick which really has been hard to function with because it annoys me so much. and then there was just in general getting settled in around here which took forever because i'm sick and i'm also getting stressed on and off because life and being an adult. but things finally managed to settle enough for me to actually get the chapter finished today. i'd been struggling with it on and off for the last few weeks getting some written, then more, then finally figuring out and getting to the stopping point i wanted.
> 
> not the most exciting chapter so i do apologize for that since it's been such a long wait, but i hope you do enjoy!

Maybe Loki surprised himself some when he took the hand offered to him, but he also found himself a bit drawn to Tony, unsure if it was because of how curious a being he was or if it was because he was actually finding trust in him, even if it was only a little. The latter scared him and he tried to stop it, but Tony made it feel so natural. Maybe it was how vulnerable he was a couple times in front of him. Not just anyone shared to a stranger that he has nightmares and not just anyone showed such care for an acquaintance.

He moved the blanket and sheet with his free and and got out of bed. He followed after Tony through the rest of his space, down the hallway, into the elevator, and out of it. He recognized it was the floor he’d been on yesterday he assumed since it was dark, but with sunrise starting.

“We’re good on the lights, J,” Tony said when the room started to light up. The room grew dark again. “So we can see out the windows.”

Loki nodded and followed along with him as they made their way over to the floor to ceiling windows that served as most of the walled space for this floor and the partial floors off the space.

He cast his gaze down at the city below that was illuminated by lights among the buildings and the sun that was probably breaking the horizon out of view behind the buildings. He could barely make out moving figures below and lit up windows on the buildings. 

His memory took hold of his vision, view of Chitauri flying and explosions replaced the shadowed scene below. He backed up distancing himself from the window, shutting his eyes, hoping to end the image, but it followed him into the darkness.

“Shit,” he heard Tony say before he felt hands on his shoulders. He continued to back up out of his grasp. “It’s okay.” He felt the hands again, but stopped when they tightened on his arms. “Sorry, I just don’t want you to run into the stairs or fall over.”

Loki nodded at him, the memory fading, but his eyes still shut tight. He focused on evening his breathing again and the touch of Tony’s hands on his upper arms. The touch kept him grounded, feeling the pull to spiral less than he had with other times he remembered things. What happened was truly as bad as he’d let his imagination run to.

“What had you intended to show me?” he asked, still not opening his eyes.

“Not something triggering like I just did.”

He opened his eyes then, connecting them with Tony’s eyes. He felt guilty again, he could see it in his eyes and sad, concerned smile. Someone could get any answer they wanted out of his eyes, too expressive, but not really a bad thing unless he wanted to hide something. Loki knew he had the same issue sometimes, but normally no one paid enough attention to notice.

What he intended to show him, though, was something of interest. He could assume it, whatever it was, was supposed to have the opposite effect. He looked past him, doing his best to indicate that he wanted to approach the window again.

“You sure?” He was infinitely grateful Tony was observant.

He nodded in response and the man moved out of the way. He almost wanted to take hold of his hand for courage as he strode up to the window, but he’d requested enough support from him this evening. Still, he walked with him back over to the window and he could see his reflection next to his as he peered down to the city below again.

The sun rose over the top of the buildings giving the last bit of light needed to see everything perfectly clear. He touched the glass as he absorbed more and more of what he saw and understood instantly what Tony wanted him to find in it: the city below moved on.

The streets were cleared aside from vehicles moving, buildings repaired, people moving about. There were signs that something happened, different shades on buildings and streets where repairs were made, but it was as though it didn’t slow anything down. He could never make up for what he’d done, but he hadn’t stunted life from moving forward. Healing happened in spite of his worst.

Guilt sat at the pit of his stomach still, he was sure it may for centuries, but the weight on his shoulders lightened a little and he looked over at Tony, letting him see his feelings on his face beyond his eyes.

“I know what it’s like to hate myself for both things I could control and things I couldn’t.” The corner of his mouth curled up in what seemed like reassurance.

Just as soon as he admitted something that felt like it was a secret between the two of them now, he stepped away. “Breakfast? You gotta be hungry.”

It was like the very fact he stated that made him hungry. “A little,” he admitted.

“Good. I’m really bad at cooking so good thing Bruce has you on the easiest things in existence to make.”

He frowned a little at the idea of the same food he’d been eating. The applesauce had a weird texture and the rice tasted like nothing. He felt a bit bad complaining, even internally, since the food was given to him so freely.

“Or I could sneak you Coco Puffs.” He leading him into the room Thor had disappeared into earlier.

“Coco Puffs?” His confusion over what Tony mentioned disappeared as he looked over the room. There was a table in the far corner to the left and to the right were cabinets, one completely silver, another trimmed in silver with a strange door and black surface, and the rest were of a black wood.

Tony opened the tall wood cabinet on the side of the silver one. “Or Cookie Crisp, Cheerios, Bran, or Trix.”

Loki looked at him and shrugged. Of course he wouldn’t really know what any of that was, but Tony was impressed with how well he was keeping up, especially after his fuck up earlier when he was trying to show him everything down at the base of the tower was better from a year ago and not send him into a memory panic. That’s the last thing he wanted to do. Maybe some would say it was unavoidable, but he was going to do everything he could to make more times like this avoidable.

He pulled out the Coco Puff box, set it on the island counter, grabbed two bowls, set them next to the box, and got the milk. He filled up both bowls with cereal and milk before he slid one forward to the other side of the counter, flashing a half-smile at Loki who in turn raised an eyebrow before moving forward to inspect the food.

“Oh spoon,” Tony said, walking over to the utensil drawer, pulling out two spoons, heading back, and placing one next to Loki’s bowl and one in his bowl.

Loki eyed the Coco Puffs still, slowly picking up his spoon then sticking it in and moving it about like he did with most everything else. Tony scooped up his bowl and shovelled in a couple bites as he headed over to the table on the other side of the room. He let the spoon sit in the bowl for a moment so he had a free hand to pick up the stray Starkpad sitting on the table as he sat down and put the bowl down. It wasn’t assigned to anyone specific though Clint was the last one to use it. There were a couple spares that floated around the common area for when the assigned ones were left in rooms and for guests.

He glanced up to see Loki joined him a chair away to his right at the table and noticed he was munching on the food with a bewildered look on his face. Tony let his amusement at that show in his smile before he turned his attention back to the tablet. “I’m just gonna pull up some stores for you that I like for clothes and we can start there.” He got a few tabs open before he reached over to put it in front of Loki.

He put down his spoon too and turned his attention to it, touching the screen, quickly catching on how to scroll and move about the screens and Tony decided to just let him play around with it for a moment rather than get too involved in showing. “JARVIS will highlight the cart buttons to click on for when you like something.”

Loki nodded, eyes trained to the screen, his long fingers moving over it at alternating paces. After a moment he reached for his spoon again and took a bite before going back to looking at the tablet. Tony smirked, thinking about how natural he already looked at that.

“Bruce is gonna kill you,” Clint said, his laugh echoing in the room a little as Tony looked up to see him head for the coffee pot. He also noticed Loki’s posture stiffen a little out of the corner of his eye and he looked at him to find him watching Clint until the archer looked over at them when he looked back at the tablet like he wasn’t on alert. “And I mean Bruce because the Hulk would probably want Coco Puffs too.”

“Well, so far he hasn’t thrown up so it’s fine. I wasn’t gonna give him applesauce for breakfast for the second day in a row and I still have nightmares from explaining Jello to Thor.”

“Whatever, I just hope Rhodes takes suggestions for your eulogy.” Clint poured himself a bowl of Coco Puffs. “So, what’s the verdict?” He looked over at Loki for an answer.

Loki blinked and looked up at him, glancing to Tony, looking like he was trying to decide if the question was for him. Then he looked over at the bowl, grabbing the spoon and pushing around the brown spheres. “Quite sweet, but it’s pleasing.”

“Everyone loves them.”

“Loves what?” Steve asked as he entered the kitchen too. Clint picked up the Coco Puffs box in response and shook it a little. Steve paused in what looked like contemplation for a moment before he went and grabbed a bowl and filled it too. As he poured the milk over he looked up and noticed Loki, smiling a bit at him, but then made eye-contact with Tony and frowned. “When did you go to bed last night?”

Tony just shrugged in response. “What time do I tell you to avoid a lecture?”

“I don’t lecture you.”

“Then why are you asking, professor?”

Steve rolled his eyes and headed over to the table and turned his attention to Loki. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Loki gave him a small smile, giving him his attention though his finger still moved across the screen.

“Did you sleep okay?”

“Not particularly, however I think a lecture may be a bit obsolete when it comes to me.”

“Oh no, no lecture. Just asking.”

“Yeah, he’s still trying to be friends with you,” Clint said, sliding into the chair to Steve’s right. “You don’t unlock the lecture feature until he’s sure you’re not going anywhere.”

“I don’t lecture anyone.”

He leaned forward towards Loki a bit like he was telling a secret. “I just turn my hearing aids off and close my eyes. You’re stuck listening to it.”

“For the love of-”

“He doesn’t lecture anyone,” Natasha defended, crossing the room over to where the Coco Puffs were on the counter.

“He doesn’t lecture you.” Clint shrugged and took a bite of his cereal.

“Because he doesn’t lecture anyone.” She emptied the box into another bowl before she shook the box. “We’re out.”

“Already on it,” Tony said, not looking up from a smaller device he was occupying himself with. Loki had been so caught up in focusing on the others in the room that he hadn’t even noticed he’d busied himself with it.

He glanced back down at the device in front of him, studying clothing options. He’d found a couple items that looked pleasing enough, but it was all still so foreign in style. Actually, the device was far less foreign. Though behind a bit where Asgard was now in form, he was familiar with how it operated. He’d certainly never purchased items from anything like it before, nor really had anyone on Asgard. Trade was face to face, but he understood this development for Midgard the more he used it.

He looked up after adding another item to the cart and looked between the three across from Tony and himself. He could tell the woman was studying him. She was very subtle about it, but he could just feel it. Maybe he was just being sensitive to it, she had told him she wasn’t going to trust him any time soon, so it would only make sense she would watching him closely. Actually it made more sense that any of them would more than if they weren’t.

“We’re probably going to end up with ten boxes no one’s eating again,” Rogers said out loud, though it seemed more like a thought than anything else.

“It’s kinda a part of our ecosystem at this point so it’d feel off if we didn’t hoard cereal we only crave for one morning.” Loki noticed Tony shrug out of the corner of his eye after his statement.

“Who knows? Maybe Loki’ll develop a taste for them and he’ll eat them for every meal,” Clint mused between bites.

“They are… pleasing, but hardly enough for every meal.” Then he realized he’d been a bit too blunt again. For the second time during this whole conversation. “Though I don’t mean I wouldn’t be grateful.”

“If all we’re doing is feeding you Coco Puffs, don’t be grateful.” He turned his head to notice Tony was smiling at him after his statement which was a bit of a contrast to the stares he felt from the others. He wasn’t sure what part of his words caused them, but he was guessing the latter part the more he thought of it.

Feeling awkward again over it, he nodded, trying to just move past the feeling, and looked back at the device and clothing options.

“Hey, Coco Puffs,” came a voice entering the room and Loki looked up to see Genevieve.

“Out,” Barton mumbled around a mouth full of them.

“Aw no.” She deflated a bit and headed over to the cabinet and pulled out another colorful box.

“Should have more as soon as the grocery order gets here,” Tony said as he went back to swiping on the device he had.

“And by that time no one’s gonna want the five boxes you ordered.”

“Six.”

“Eh, I give it by the end of the second box. Loki doesn’t hate it.” Barton took another bite then lifted the bowl to his mouth and drank the milk. Loki took it as a cue to work on finishing his.

Genna sat down at the table with a bowl of Trix on the other side of Steve. Clint shook his head then. “Take it back, she’s right. It’s actually kinda unfair.” He was wanting Trix now.

Quietly, but obvious enough so Clint watched, Steve stuck his spoon in his mouth, took hold of his bowl, and lightly bumped it into Genna’s. Grinning, she stuck her spoon in her mouth, slid Steve’s bowl around hers and he took her bowl.

“Now you’re just… fucking with the data or whatever.”

“Or being weird and maybe gross,” Stark mumbled.

“Maybe?” Clint looked over at him. It was either it was gross or not. Or well until Clint thought too hard about it and decided him and Nat had done something similar before, remembering they’d done it to weird out Stark too.

“Eye of the beholder or whatever.”

He rolled his eyes and looked back over at Genna. “Well now you’re having soggy brown mush and Steve gets crunchy rainbow balls.”

“Now that’s gross, Barton, thanks.” Stark stood, picked up his bowl, then Loki’s and headed over to the sink.

“Coulda said moist.” And then Clint felt something hit the back of his head before hitting the floor. He spotted the empty Coco Puffs box on the floor before he looked up and saw Natasha also standing in the kitchen area with Stark.

“Too far,” she said, smirking at him. She then turned towards Tony and not quiet enough to not be heard by everyone, but not loud enough to be conversational with the room she asked, “So is Loki going to always be wearing your band shirts and sweatpants?”

“I had to find some way to stop you from stealing them.” Now speaking with a lower voice, he finished rinsing the bowls and stepped aside for her to do hers.

“Someone had to save them from grease stains.” She followed his lower voice into a whisper.

“That was one time and I cried for a month.” He shook his head. “No, he’s picking stuff out for himself right now.”

It was weird seeing Tony’s clothes on Loki, but not enough to put her on edge. He just offered up his clothes until Loki could get his own clothes. What did put her on edge was the looks Tony kept giving him and how attached at the hip they seemed to be. She meant it when she said she didn’t trust Loki, even if she didn’t hate him.

“What’s ahk-dck?” Tony turned around, happy to hear Loki’s question as an excuse from Natasha’s weird poking. He stepped toward the island as he watched the god study the shirt he had on.

“You mean AC/DC?” He asked him, slightly surprised the question hadn’t come up yet or JARVIS hadn’t filled in the blank.

“Do I?” Loki asked, innocently, eyes connecting with Tony’s, looking expectant.

He laughed a bit in response, shaking his head. “Yeah, they’re a band? Amazing? Legendary? Make music? Jarv, play some.”

Loki jumped a little in surprise like he had been doing most of the time when there was a new noise over the speakers. He looked up like he was studying the ceiling rather than listening to Guns for Hire. He was quiet, along with everyone else in the room, until about half-way through the song, everyone just watching him and waiting.

He finally opened his mouth and gave them a reaction like they were waiting for. “This is considered music?” But it didn’t sound like he meant it in a snide way. It was more like he was observing and verbally making notes on what Earth music was.

Still, Tony grabbed at his arc-reactor like he was wounded, “Ouch, oof, ow. Man that was honest. That hurts,” like he was offended on behalf of AC/DC.

“I hadn’t meant offense.” And Tony dropped the fake act as he watched him just in time to see him cave in again.

“Oh yeah, I know, I was just joking.” He shrugged, hoping it eased his worry a little bit.

It was silent after that, everyone looking between the two awkwardly until Clint yawned and stretched. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but sitting here sucks.”

“I call a chair.” Tony started for the door and Clint scrambled up, headed over to the sink, barely rinsed his bowl, and followed after him. Natasha barely contained a smirk as she followed after them.

“Coco Puffs cleaned up and now Bruce won’t know,” Tony said turning back to Clint as he stepped backwards a couple steps before turning back around to face the direction of the sitting area.

“Won’t know what?” Bruce asked, stepping out of the elevator and looking over at the three leaving the kitchen. He could think of a number of things that maybe they’d want to keep from him and each made him feel no less left out. Still, he reminded himself that that was hardly ever Tony’s intention and was probably just hiding something he thought was more dramatic than it actually was.

“He gave Loki Coco Puffs,” Natasha said as she passed a stopped Clint and Tony, heading over into the sitting area, sitting in the chair Tony usually sat in. Maybe it was a little more dramatic than he initially measured.

“You what?” he questioned, returning his gaze to Tony.

“He’s fine. Just wanted to give him something better than applesauce.”

In truth, it was fine. Loki was bouncing back from everything well and it was probably good to get him some sugar. Not that he really knew much about his physiology aside from the bouncing back so far. Who knew what he needed differently than Thor. All he ever had to comment on was their similar Asgardian upbringing.

“Okay. Let’s just avoid grease, meaning pizza, for a couple more days, okay?”

“I think he’d be fine, but fine.” Bruce glanced past Tony to notice Loki was hovering awkwardly in the doorway, holding one of the Starkpads. Then he turned his attention back to Tony who already followed his gaze and gave him his attention.

“Found anything you like?” He peered over at the tablet before moving so he was next to Loki’s side and could see better.

Loki really didn’t like so much fuss over him. Part of it was because he worried it would get old for all of them too soon and just as soon he’d be resented. The other part was because he would rather be silently observing all of them, figuring out what he could about their personalities when they weren’t hyper aware he was in their presence. He wanted to know them both because it would help him when they did grow tired of him and because he was simply curious.

“I like that shirt.” Tony touched the item, changed the size option, and clicked the icon for the site. It was a shirt with what appeared to be a small feline creature on it.

He caught himself looking at him when he started to walk towards the sitting area to join the others and he followed along with him so he could keep looking at the device as he looked through. “This should be the right size for you. JARVIS took your measurements. I promise I don’t know them.”

They sat down next to each other on the end of the sofa next to the chairs Banner and the red headed woman he’d still yet to learn any name of. Barton was perched on the arms between the chairs. Loki looked back at what Tony was doing on the device, it slowing sliding from his hands into his. He was focused, moving fast across the screens with expected ease.

Shortly after the device had ended up in his hands entirely, Tony handed it back over to him. “Got that stuff ordered, should be here later, but you can keep looking.” Loki nodded in response and went back to looking.

He felt the sofa dip a little next to him and looked to see Genevieve had sat there. She gave him a small smile which had him at ease. There was something light about her presence and something understanding about her gaze. Truth be told, most of the group wore their emotions and thoughts on their faces. It gave more of them a giving quality to them, if he was to let himself fully believe what he saw. It took too much skill and concentration to pretend this much and very few he’d met in his lifetime could keep it up this long if at all. He wagered there was only one and it wasn’t Genevieve, but the other woman in the room.

“So grandma Nick have anyone doing anything?” Tony questioned and it brought Loki out of his thoughts. He glanced at the others before he turned his attention back to clothes. He had a feeling this might not even be a conversation he should be present for, but with how casual Tony was, it was easy to forget this was business.

“Nope,” Barton answered. “Surprised he didn’t tack something on when we did the report last night, but I got nothing.”

“It’s pretty quiet right now,” Genevieve added. “Gus said they’re doing most of their intel gathering to train new agents. I’m sure something major will come up soon. That just seems to be how this works.”

“He’ll probably be hesitant after this last one was milder than he expected,” Rogers stated and Loki glanced up to watch him sit on the edge of the table, probably to be closer to the group. “Harder to have our faces around.”

“Cool, so we have time to sit and stare at each other?” He glanced at Tony to see humor on his face after the statement.

“I… guess?” Rogers didn’t look too keen on it, but not really opposed either.

_ “Sir.” _ Loki jumped a little at JARVIS’s voice again. He hated that he still hadn’t quite grown used to it, but it was really only moments when he wasn’t really expecting it.

“Yeah, Jarv I know I have that meeting at noon, but all I gotta do is put on a button up and a blazer and stand in a decent background.”

“Wow, you actually have to work?” Barton questioned.

“Eh, it’s just proof that I’m listening and approving dates of the opening of the Stark facility that’s going arc tech in two months. Since Pepper…” Tony paused and everyone else went silent when he did. Loki couldn’t tell if it was because he paused or if it was because of what he said. He watched him, saw something pained cross his eyes before he shook his head. “Since she’s not around, they have to make sure I get the info on the memos I don’t read.”

_ “Sir, that’s not what I mean.” _

“What then?”

“What’s wrong with the elevator?” came a new voice that was out of view until he rounded the corner from the hallway. A blonde male trudged a bit, slightly out of breath, into the main part of the room. “It took fifteen minutes to…” He made eye-contact with him. “...and then I…”

“Gus…” Genevieve stood up and took a couple slow steps towards him. Loki’s breath caught in the back of his throat as he slowly shifted his weight to his feet to get ready to find a way out of there or find cover the moment he needed to. He felt Tony take his arm and that made him stiffen more. “Let us explain…”

Rogers got to his feet too and that blocked Loki’s view of the man and he shifted instinctively to get the view again. He caught sight of him between the two as the man, Gus, started to back the way he had come from.

Barely second later Genevieve was moving after him, breaking instantly into a light run. “Gus, no.” And as soon as she was close enough Loki noticed her curls bounce as she leapt up and tackled the blonde man to the ground.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team decides it's best to just tell Fury what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a long time again, i'm sorry! i think i'm finally getting through being sick, but we'll see if that helps move the next chapter on and the others in the future. this was "hard chapter to write part two" and it might show in a couple places so i do apologize in advanced. it's a longer chapter again, though and it's a stepping stone to leading to more of the feelsy and dramatic and intense (and soft of course) things in the future of the fic.
> 
> i have things planned to a major plot point (i've had the major plot point planned from the beginning) and a bit beyond so i'm currently working through ending the first part of this fic at the major plot point, then moving into a part two, or just keeping this all as one big fic. because of the way my brain views this, regardless, i do think of this current part as part one and what follows as part two and what i can assume will follow as later parts until i reach an end. what i just have to decide is if i keep this together as one fic or posting the parts separately.
> 
> i am also bridging into making this beyond loki and tony-centric as this chapter might show, but i think they will always be the core because this started with them. i've just been enjoying exploring the others pov more and more to build on the story and my au universe. but as i said loki and tony will always be the core and it is still loki's story, i'm just adding layers to it that i hope don't get too annoying. there are plenty loki and tony moments coming right up here. they're getting close and getting close fast because they understand each other.
> 
> clint/natatsha has officially been added to the relationships, though very, very background (not even in view) right at the moment. i don't know about other ships yet, i'm as indecisive as ever, but i hope all of you enjoy them as they develop in the background and momentary foreground along with tony/loki.
> 
> i think this is all needed for a summary over how things are going in the development of the plot moving forward without giving anything away. i think by the end of this chapter you'll probably be able to guess where the overall (i like to think of it as an umbrella) plot is going and i hope that's exciting.
> 
> but overall, as always, i hope you enjoy!

The last day and a half, give or take a couple hours, had been… annoying. Gus liked to think he had a lot of patience, especially when it came to his sister, but there was a point where he realized his anxiety got too high to really think he deserved feeling that way.

Their parents were in the city for a few days and expected to have dinner with them the night before last. Which went smoothly until just when the water arrived and Genna got up from the table, excusing herself without really any excuse and promised breakfast before bolting it out of the restaurant Gus had so carefully gotten reservations for in about two months in advanced. At least that was what he’d say when their mother asked because that’s when he told her he had. Pulling a couple strings last minute was something he really only did in the emergency that was so expertly called Meryl Fair.

Still, regardless of how seamless the string pulling was, Genna left without an excuse and just as quickly, their mother’s eyes were on Gus. There were only so many “I don’t know maybe SHIELD had something come up” and “Mom, I know as much as you do” and “I’m sorry that was blunt”s that the older twin could say with his father sitting idly by, hiding a smile that looked too amused behind his wine before his anxiety took over. He got all of the “we’ve come all this way” speech and its sequel that consisted mostly of him taking the involuntary blame for Genna suddenly.

And one would’ve thought that parting would’ve ended it, but he got texts from his mother on both her phone and his father’s phone until about one in the morning. He ended his night with reading a text from Genna saying “sorry, Avengers business” and “breakfast?”

Breakfast came and went. There was sightseeing they’d done before when the last time and the first time and the third time Meryl and Mike Fair took a trip from Asheville, North Carolina to New York City, New York. “Some sites you just had to see ten times,” the Fair matriarch said from the top of the Statue of Liberty and Gus noted that about summed the whole thing up.

Dinner at seven lead to a conversation that basically was his mother asking and telling him, “Darling, it’s not that you’re not interesting, but when will your sister be joining us?” and, “She just spends more time with the Avengers.” And it was safe to say that the implication that he wasn’t as interesting as Genna finally struck the last nerve that had him say, “You know I have a place to stay at the tower now too,” at an increased volume. And though he thought maybe that was impressive enough it only lead to the question that was, frankly, the question of the year. “Oh, well, why didn’t they also call on you?”

When Gus didn’t have a comeback to it, he realized that was the question he should be asking himself. It lead to his contemplative silence through the rest of dinner and not answering his mother’s night texts. It lead to a seven hour night’s sleep that had mostly dreams of him contemplating why between him and his sister she was the one called, the one relied on, the one practically living with them full time, the one that traded SHIELD agent for this, realizing he didn’t have an answer.

The answer didn’t actually come to him until he was sitting in one of the chairs in the sitting area on the common floor, surrounded by the Avengers minus Thor and plus his sister, obscuring his view of SHIELD’s current galactic threat number one, while he was healing a sprained elbow from his sister tackling him.

“Okay, okay, SHIELD… er Fury… owns my ass, I get it,” he said removing his left hand from his right elbow, flexing the elbow to check for any remaining pain. “But… okay, not ‘but,’ but…” He moved to stand up, but everyone inched forward a little so he chose just to sit on the edge of the chair. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since two nights ago,” Rogers answered, looking not too imposing, but just protective.

“Two nights?” Gus questioned, the biggest wonder now being why everyone, aside from Romanoff who looked more reluctant, was being protective in the first place.

“Actually, two months,” Stark corrected.

“Two months?” Rogers turned to him, Barton and Romanoff following.

“Yeah, I mean I’m impulsive, but, fuck, did you guys think we just decided all of this in a 3 am heart to heart?”

Staring for a moment longer then shaking his head, Rogers turned back to face Gus. “I know what you’re thinking…”

“That Loki might be playing all of you, maybe?” He tried getting a good sight of the god between everyone, but Stark shifted a little. “Crossed my mind.”

“He’s only been here two nights,” Genna said, sounding like she was trying to clarify where the other parts of the conversation didn’t.

“So you left me with mom and dad to-”

“Save Loki’s life, yes.”

Tony could almost feel Loki tense behind him, but he knew it was just what he was imagining, maybe projecting on him. Fair was hardly the most dangerous person in the room. It was kind of weird to think of him even as a danger, but what he could and probably wanted to say and to whom was definitely enough to make this… tense. He wondered if it was immoral to lock him in a cell downstairs.

“Okay. So you came here to save Loki’s life just like that?” Fair questioned his sister. It was safe to say that Tony was much closer to Genna, trusted her a lot more. He actually barely knew anything about the older twin at all aside from assuming he’s just a Fury stooge. And maybe he really hadn’t cared to know more than that.

“I was brought into the discussion of Loki’s innocence a month ago.” Which turned out to be a smart move considering the state Loki arrived in and how good it was to trust Genna.

“Okay… okay.”

“I know I didn’t tell you…”

“You didn’t-”

“But-”

“-because Fury owns my ass. I said I get it.” Maybe Tony felt a little guilty about not trying to get to know Fair too well at those words and maybe he could admit the guy had a bit of a reason to be hurt. But the truth was, yeah, Fury owned his ass and had Tony trusted even all of the team he knew a hell of a lot better for even less of a reason? No. He was trying not to feel guilty about all of it, but for some reason Fair was making it hard. He’d trusted him enough to give him an apartment and access to the tower because he was Genna’s family and it felt silly now that they were all treating him like he was a criminal they had to all but strap down to a chair. Maybe they should’ve invited him over to dinner with the team more often.

“Does it make you feel better that the only reason we found out was because we had to come back from the mission sometime and it’s really hard to hide a person?” Barton asked, motioning his index finger between Romanoff, Rogers, and himself.

Gus shrugged. The truth was it wasn’t about feeling better. He was beyond feeling left out. He felt left out last night when he thought about how maybe Genna had been invited to some two-day movie marathon without him, even though he knew her better than to think she’d ditch their parents for that. Late night thoughts really got you.

But it really was about Loki. The intergalactic being that came to take over Earth over a year ago. Someone New York was still working to heal completely from. And he didn’t exactly feel better about that.

“Where’s Thor?” Gus finally asked, though he wasn’t sure if that was really the question he wanted to ask.

“On Asgard,” Banner started, having been keeping mostly to the background this whole time.

“Dealing with family drama,” Stark added with a shrug. “The usual reason he makes a trip home we’re starting to think.”

“So what I’m figuring happened then is: you guys decided Loki was innocent, Thor went and got him?” He paused and Stark nodded. “He came back and he was dying so you contacted Genna and healed him?”

“Then we showed up in the morning,” Barton added. “Ironically enough with our own thoughts about how there might’ve been something going on with Loki’s attack on New York.”

Gus sighed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, face in his hands. “Let’s just fast forward to where I actually know the details about how Loki’s innocent and pretend I believe it all.” He lifted his head, glanced at everyone before looking down at the floor in front of his feet. “Not saying I wouldn’t believe it just, you know, for theory or whatever’s sake.” He shook his head again. “I can’t lie to Fury. Not on a moral or a ‘he’s my boss’ thing. I just can’t lie to Fury. It’s physically impossible for me.”

“Is it because of the look?” Stark questioned and Gus looked up at him.

“Nope. It’s because of him. As a whole. Him.”

“Yeah,” Genna chimed in. “He knows that when we were eight he tried to run away because he was tired of having to eat broccoli. Gus has a problem.”

“He knows that when I was three I found out Santa doesn’t exist, but I lied about it until I was twelve because I didn’t want to not get presents.”

“I was there when he said that,” Romanoff said, a laugh in her voice.

“So, I can’t, you know, leave here knowing this. Well, I can’t talk to Fury knowing this, I have to leave here eventually because my mother planned lunch. Which reminds me, Genna, we have to meet her for lunch otherwise she’s gonna show up here and find out the Avengers are keeping the fact they’re have Loki here from Fury.”

“I think the fact that we’re keeping it secret from Fury might not occur to your mother, just saying,” Clint said with a shrug, sounding a bit like he was taking it lightly which was a major contrast to Fair’s tone that sounded pretty panicked. Steve wasn’t sure where he fit on the spectrum between the two.

“You couldn’t just… not tell Fury?” Tony questioned almost like he hadn’t been listening.

“If I even knew why everyone was okay with Loki just sitting back there on the sofa casually while we all talk about him like he’s not in the room,” Gus said and Steve looked back at Loki who really looked anything but casual, sitting straight and stiff, staring forward. “I just explained how incapable I am of doing that.”

“Maybe exercise self control?” Steve turned his gaze to Tony after his question, letting his expression show a little bit of how exasperated he was to which the engineer raised both his hands.

“So what are the options?” he asked, turning back in the direction of Gus, but directing the question to everyone.

“We tell Fury,” Bruce said. “Or Agent Fair does.”

“Or we kill Agent Fair,” Clint added to which Steve faced him and raised both hands above his head to emphasize his exasperation. Clint then slowly lifted his hands from where his arms were crossed across his chest to his ears, but stopped when Loki spoke.

“No, that’s too high a price for my safety,” he said and everyone turned to look at him, though Fair still had to awkwardly shift until he could see him.

“We aren’t really gonna kill-”

Loki shook his head. “I have done wrong. Should-”

“We already discussed and decided that wasn’t you…” Tony was quick to defend, though it looked like most of the group was ready to clarify too.

“That is for each individual to decide. Should this man… Fury decide that I serve punishment or that I am a risk…”

“Loki, that’s not his decision,” Steve interjected, but gently. “If it’s not our decision, it’s not his decision.”

“Who will make the decision, then? If it was not the All Father’s…” Loki started but stopped himself. He was fighting with and questioning those that had shown him way more patience than he was worth. Regardless of what anyone could claim was right or wrong or owed to him, his fate was in their hands at the moment and he was questioning them. He sat back, pulling himself off the defensive and looked away, showing his compliance.

“There isn’t any decision. You were manipulated. That’s plain and simple. End of story.” It was Tony’s words and he felt the sofa dip next to him. He didn’t look in his direction but nodded.

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him as the room grew silent for what felt like several eternities that would never end. He wished to know their thoughts, but hated that he attempted to guess them at the same time.

“And shoulda been last year too.” That was when he actually looked at Tony. His eyes were full of reassurance and guilt though the rest of his expression masked a self-assured confidence and with that came the understanding that the addition of the statement meant that he meant they should’ve known before he returned to Asgard with Thor. But there was no way for them to know, no reason for Tony to feel guilty as often as he seemed to.

“Even then, we have to tell Fury,” Natasha said and it caused Tony sigh. They didn’t really  _ have _ to do anything and he was shocked she was the one to insist on it. He looked over at her, pulling his gaze from Loki, but not moving away. “He will find out, either from Fair or just naturally.”

“Maybe he wouldn’t if Liar Liar over there wouldn’t say anything to him,” Tony mused, continuing to let his annoyance known.

“He said he’s unable to lie,” Loki said softly behind him, but more in a way that he was confused.

Tony turned to face him, shaking his head. “Liar Liar’s a movie about a guy who can’t lie because his son wished he couldn’t. He was a lawyer so it was funny.”

“Oh,” Fair said from the other side of everyone else like Tony explaining just brought him relief.

“Fury  _ will _ know,” Natasha continued forcefully. “If we tell him, we know his reaction and can be prepared for any response to it. He finds out on his own and SHIELD agents are already knocking on the door. Ones that have access because you gave them a nice apartment.” She motioned over at Fair.

And he didn’t really wonder why he gave the guy access like everyone else did because, aside from his apparent need to be a snitch, he was Genna’s brother and kind of the nervous person the group needed. Maybe. He wasn’t close to knighting him quite yet.

“Nat’s right,” Clint said, sitting on the arm of the chair closest to the one Fair sat in. “We tell him and we have more power. If that’s possible with Fury.” It was almost like it brought him into the discussion and naturally following the lead, Steve sat on the end of the table, opening the view to the others behind him. Including Fair on the discussion felt right and natural to Natasha where protecting Loki still felt jarring and mildly uncomfortable. She understood Loki’s situation more, but August Fair was with SHIELD and was a level that barely knew who she was. Loki knew somewhere in his brain.

He was also on the side of Fury who she trusted, had her interests in account as much as his own. With the director it wasn’t easy to feel comfortable, which was how most of the people in the room felt, but she did. She knew he trusted her and it was trust hard won, just as it was in the reverse.

Tony sighed and that drew Steve’s attention in time for him to watch him look over at Bruce. Steve looked over at him too, waiting for his opinion and for a moment the scientist looked like he wanted to not be noticed, but shook his head regardless.

“I don’t like this,” he started before sighing again. “But regardless, he’ll find out and it does seem like the best option.”

Steve nodded and looked last to Tony who went for crossing his arms across his chest to show his displeasure this time followed by a roll of the eyes. “Fine, yeah, whatever. Not that it’s really my opinion that matters.” He slumped back to lean back on the sofa. “Not anyone’s but his. Or wait, did I get who’s the most fucked by this situation mixed up?”

Nodding, Steve breathed through his nose. Tony was right and it shouldn’t have taken him to be blunt about it to really occur to him or anyone else. Loki had the most to lose and, though the situation was all about him, his opinion hadn’t been asked at all. He looked over at him and when he noticed he seemed awkward under his gaze and potentially some of the others, he gave him a smile.

“What do you think?” he asked, gently, trying to emphasized it was his decision and it was okay with his tone, but he wasn’t sure how well he did.

Loki glanced beyond Steve, then looked to his left at Tony, then down. It was moments before his eyes connected with Steve’s again. “She’s right,” he said, sounding firm in his resolve. “I do not remember anything about him, far less than the majority of you, however, from what I’ve understood it appears to be the most strategic and potentially safe move.”

“You’re sure?” Steve clarified and received a nod in return.

“Peachy,” Tony said, not letting silence set in as he stood. “JARVIS tell my previous engagement what I usually say when it’s B-S about Avengers stuff and classified and reassure it’s not a lie this time.” He started out of the sitting area and toward the stairs that lead to the conference room near the med room. “Say I’ll send them a video of reading and signing the appropriate papers later.”

As he stood, Steve turned his attention to Loki. “You can join us, but you don’t have to.” He held out a hand.

He debated it for a couple seconds before he took the hand and pulled himself up. “I think it best I’m there to assist with words on my own behalf.” He let go of his hand. “Should it be needed.”

Steve nodded and turned in the direction of the Fairs and Genna turned to her brother first.

“I’ll go meet mom and dad,” she said, leaning over him to give him a hug. “You can come, but maybe you could get some time with the cool people for once.” Her grin emphasized her slight joke as she stood up straight.

“Did you hear that?” Clint loudly whispered to Natasha as they made their way to the conference room. “She still thinks we’re cool.”

“Probably because you aren’t trying hard enough,” Natasha responded at a normal volume.

Fair got to his feet, shaking his head. “After I ruined their morning?”

Steve shook his head, approaching him. “You didn’t ruin our morning. Who knows maybe-”

“This is a blessing in disguise? Nope, probably not, but thanks Captain Rogers.”

Shaking his head again, he held out his hand. “Steve.”

“We actually call him Cappy,” Clint shouted from the top of the stairs.

Steve shook his head once again. “Steve.”

“Gus.” He shook his hand.

Once they were done with the better introductions that should’ve been done earlier, Genna leaned over and hugged Gus again. “Convince Tony that Loki needs to watch Star Wars and you got yourself a movie night.” She pulled back, smiling, then left the sitting area toward the elevator.

“We should get up there before Tony gets impatient,” Steve said, making his way out of the sitting area after the others, Gus and Loki following.

After entering the room, Loki took the seat between Tony and Clint, furthest from the monitor, Bruce on the other side of the engineer, all four on the other side of the table from the door. Steve sat next to Natasha and Gus on the other side of Steve, opposite the other four.

“Okay Jarv, contact Fury,” Tony said, leaning back a little in his chair, but tapping his fingers on the table in front of him.

It was a couple moments before the director appeared on the screen which felt like minutes even though it really could’ve only been seconds.

“Oh hey Nickey, you look pretty fine today.” Tony failed to hold back a smirk that was a result of his defensive joking.

“A first to be called to a meeting by all of you, but convenient,” Fury moved on, appearing like it was choosing to ignore Tony’s jab.

“You know, trying to please.” Tony thought to look over at Loki as he wondered to himself why Fury didn’t just directly address the fact Loki was sitting right there, but he didn’t want to draw attention before they actually said something.

“We’ve called because we have something to bring up that we’ve already… acted on and since you should know…” Steve began, taking the initiative to start broaching the topic. “We decided to tell you promptly that-”

“You’re currently housing one of Earth’s highest threats,” Fury raised an unamused eyebrow, eye connecting with Steve. “None of you are sneaky. Not when you’re working as a group. Agent Romanoff and Agent Barton could hide things from me for years before I put them on the Avengers team.”

“You knew?” Bruce questioned, but looked more like he regretted voicing his shock. “Why didn’t you… do something?”

“I read a series of documents and charts in a file called  _ Not for Patchy’s Eye: Why Loki isn’t a Disney Villain _ .” Everyone slowly turned to face Tony if they weren’t already and he just shrugged in response, knowing it wouldn’t shift their blame, but at least it indicated he didn’t put much thought into the name. “I deemed it compelling enough to only keep my  _ eye _ on the situation and deploy agents when necessary. I didn’t refrain from doing anything out of trust. You could potentially call it curiosity if it’d help you sleep at night.”

Everyone looked uncomfortably between each other, some the discomfort showing more in their eyes than all over their face.

Tony sat up from his lean back. “Well, let the agent that hacked my system know I wanna exchange tips and that I am boosting security as soon as this conversation’s done.”

“And if you were trying to be any kind of sneaky, you wouldn’t have brought him into the room.” Fury turned his gaze to Loki and Tony turned to watch him stay sitting straight, though a bit more tense. “Also, as for your promptness, two days isn’t prompt.”

“Not two  _ full _ days,” Steve defended.

But Fury ignored. “And you only told me because Agent Fair found out.” He looked over at him and in response he sunk a little in his chair. “This is why I keep you around Fair. I always know you’ll tell me everything. I gave your sister to the Avengers and kept the one who let’s me know if the Avengers are keeping a supervillain around and provides good conversation to laugh about later.”

“Actually, Fury I need him.” Tony bent forward towards the table more.

“No, no. You don’t get both of them. They have healing powers Stark and I know you know how useful that is.”

“But I want the set.”

Clint noticed Fair sink more and more as Fury and Stark went back and forth. Smirking, he leaned in his direction across the table. “Glad you stuck around to witness being talked about like a Pokemon card?” he asked.

“It’s a bit more like Magic: the Gathering,” Fair corrected, though he still seemed to to be listening to the other conversation more than their own.

Clint laughed softly in response, impressed by the wit, and sat back in his chair as he refocused on Stark and Fury.

“It’s purely inhumane to split up twins,” Stark pointed out.

“Split up? I know he has a place to stay here,” Fury defended sounding incredulous.

“Only on every other weekend and I didn’t ask for this kind of custody arrangement in the divorce.”

“Officially, I don’t know Loki’s here,” Nick said, turning back to the actual topic, refusing to let Stark continue to derail. “Anything that has to do with me regarding him will refer to him as John Doe.”

“Isn’t John Doe a little suspicious?” Stark decided to chime in again. Which Fury just recognized well as his continued refracting that was a characteristic of most serious conversations with him.

He raised an eyebrow, letting that be the end of that discussion. “If a line is crossed, if I’m lead to believe he has his powers, if there’s any indication that he’s endangering anyone, if he leaves this tower, if in some way he causes mass panic, if at any point I decide I don’t find what was in this file believable anymore, I will send agents in,  _ without warning _ , as though this is new news to me and you will be held responsible.” Maybe he could let them believe this was trust or solely believing in the file, but at this point in time it was the germination of a potential asset should what was in the file be anything to act on. It was also the protection of the use of an asset, considering Thor backed the belief his brother was more or less innocent (he could assume) and he needed the Asgardian on his and SHIELD’s side.

“Now that you know I know, I expect nice update notes from everyone. How are things going? Any new developments about this memory situation? Have the eyes gone code blue?” He turned his attention to solely Loki even through the screen. “And I expect it from you too Mr. Doe. I’ll send a worksheet that includes a how likely you are to commit homicide scale. I want one weekly until we get the hang of each other.”

Loki nodded in response, probably just as surprised as everyone else seemed if not more. It didn’t make his concern weigh any less on him. There was pressure in this arrangement, pressure that was more out in the open, spoken. If he lost favor with any of the people in the room or their extended allies, he would be at the mercy of this Fury. Perhaps even if he remained in their favor and this man changed his mind about all of this and, just the same, he would be at his mercy. Or at the mercy of those he commanded. He felt hate for feeling this small gnaw at him, but it was more for the fact he allowed himself to feel this way.

He settled back in his chair, following his confirmation that he understood, hoping the attention would leave him, even though this whole thing was about him. He looked over at Stark, though he only saw the back of his head. The normalcy of breakfast had been strange against the backdrop of the continued problem and maybe that was what had him longing that now. Though it wasn’t too odd to wish for a softer situation than this one, a situation where he’d almost felt a peer to the others.

“But Rogers and Romanoff can disregard all of this for the time being due to their relocation to DC.” Fury’s words caught his attention, out of his own thoughts, but what drew him more was the response.

“Wait, what?” Barton questioned, sitting forward, disappearing from Loki’s view behind Stark.

“Relocation?” Rogers asked and his eyes flicked over to him to measure his stunned reaction.

“I expect you both ready for the quinjet in two hours. SHIELD arranged an apartment for your arrival.”

“Why?”

“Your skills will be more beneficial based out of headquarters. There’s a number of missions that need your attention.”

“So a need to know basis?” Tony questioned.

“It isn’t of interest to you now. They can tell you about it later.”

“So this is temporary?” Barton added.

“Two hours, Rogers, Romanoff.” The transmission went out, revealing the window behind where it once was.

“If it isn’t temporary, I’m picking you guys up and bringing you back here within six weeks.” Tony turned in his chair to face the two moving.

Still the promise didn’t seem to sate anyone’s discomfort, worry, or annoyance and the more the information sat with him, the more Loki felt much of the same. Romanoff made it obvious she didn’t trust him and her favor may have been hard won and hard kept, but Rogers seemed open and giving enough to be on his side among the longest and losing that support was worrisome. And he couldn’t help the feeling of imbalance that started to creep about as the knowledge and lack of knowledge over this new arrangement bothered the group more with each moment, especially as Romanoff, then Rogers excused themselves from the room to prepare for departure.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month since Natasha and Steve's transfer and everyone's still annoyed by the arrangement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof yeah it's been a long time and honestly i have much of the same excuses except i also moved again. now i'm living with my aunt and job hunting. job hunting is always so *sarcasm* fun *sarcasm* *sarcasm*. i think it's safe to say i officially kicked all the lingering sickness and feel pretty good. it's still cold and the weather's terrible, but until i find a job i don't really have to go out in it.
> 
> another filler chapter... in a way. i mean it's kinda something light before i dig into any angst again. i'm also out of practice with fight scenes so apologies for the end bit of the chapter. just after writing it i figure it was best to keep it in rather than take it out and potentially find something else.
> 
> otherwise, i expect the next chapter to get done fast, no idea how long it'll be, but the plan is to go right into writing it after i post this one and at the rate i've been writing the last couple days, it'll get done fast. plus the next several chapters/bits of the story are things i've thought about and thought about over and over from small spark of plot to what they are now, waiting to be written, since the beginning of the story. i'm so very excited for this going forward to both write it and share it with all of you.
> 
> i'm not the biggest fan of pepper as this chapter shows, but that's all i'll say about that.
> 
> also, i'm pretty sure you guys will probably guess what's going on, or rather, going to happen on the steve and nat side of the story, but in the avoidance of spoiling (maybe too strong of word but), if someone doesn't know, that's all i'll say until it's actually happening.
> 
> but if anyone wants to theorize, i'd love to see your comments!! i'll neither confirm nor deny!
> 
> i've been wanting to be able to update everyone more frequently than posting a chapter?? does anyone have any ideas on how best to do this?

“Nothing’s really changed around here,” Genna said, Steve watching her turn her head from her phone on the small screen of his. “You know, aside from Loki fitting in around here a bit more than he did a couple weeks ago and a bit more than that from a month ago. We’ve… or, I guess, I’ve started feeling like he’s kinda always been here, not like he’s only been here a month. I mean he keeps to himself, but we kinda all do at varying times.” She pursed her lips together a little. “It feels normal, but I can’t really speak for anyone else.” She shrugged and looked back at her phone. “Maybe that’s just natural.”

“I’m not getting used to it here,” Steve commented, glancing up from his phone as he noticed Natasha coming out of her room and heading over to where he was in the kitchen. He moved from leaning on the fridge to leaning on the counter next to it so she could get in it. He gathered the apartment was average, definitely smaller than his space back at Avengers tower, not that he was surprised. There were the basics: kitchen, bathroom, living room, and two bedrooms, nothing more. “Natasha makes it feel… a bit more normal.” She winked at him as she carried the bagels and cream cheese over to the island across from him. “But it’s just…”

“You hate it there.”

“Hate may be a bit… no I hate it here.” There was no use trying to act like he didn’t feel out of place when he wasn’t feeling annoyed with the bureaucracy of everything. Politics was one thing, he liked to be informed, know what he should, form his opinions and he could ignore anything unnecessary, but SHIELD he had to deal with on a near daily basis and what was worse than barely trusting any of it was not being trusted back. He supposed it went both ways, but at least he put effort into it. Everything felt artificial if anyone tried being friendly or personable. Maybe he’d just been too lucky with the Avengers all this time. He felt alone and disjointed here and it was easy to let himself think he didn’t belong.  _ Out of time _ and no one could blame it on technology. Was the time at the tower a dream or what the reality should be?

“I hated training at headquarters. It was a blessing to be moved elsewhere. Some people really like it in DC, but it’s usually for advancement. Or hope for it anyway.” Genna shrugged. Maybe it was relieving to hear he wasn’t alone even though it was something he should’ve already known. “Clint hates it there too.” He couldn’t imagine any of the Avengers and associates liking it here, but hearing it, made it more real.

“Oh I’m sure.” As if on cue, Clint wandered out of Natasha’s bedroom, looking like he was barely awake. Steve would say some sentiment about how it didn’t seem like Clint hated it there because he was there so often when he didn’t need to be, but he knew, only confirmed by Genna knowing too, it wasn’t the reason he was there.

He watched him sit on one of the stools and Natasha place a plate of bagels she’d already prepared in front of him.

“He says ‘hi,’” Natasha said with a smirk.

“Hi Clint,” Genna called out loud enough for him to hear and Steve stepped forward to show him, who had perked up at the sound of his name, the screen.

“Hey,” he answered with a wave before he turned to Steve. “Did you show her the fish I got you guys?”

“Oh yeah.” Steve pulled back and carried the phone over to the kitchen table and turned the phone towards the goldfish Clint was talking about. “This is Susan.”

“No, it’s Frank,” Clint said behind him.

“Nope, Sushi,” Natasha argued in the back.

“Susan Frank Sushi,” Steve concluded.

“The third!” Clint called from the back.

“How many fish have you gone through?” Genna asked, raising an eyebrow.

“This is the first one,” Steve reassured, smiling at his phone. The fish was a nice thing about being there, but it was one of very few and he could always take Susan to the tower easily.

“Yeah, but it’s used about two of its lives getting it here.” He looked away from the phone and over at him, unsure what he meant and what could’ve happened between the apartment and the pet store.

“Cats are the ones with nine lives, right?”

“Goldfish have about seventy-two and they use them like I usually skip breakfast if I don’t have cold pizza.”

“This fish is going to live forever then.” Steve assumed Natasha was referring to how Clint ate normal breakfast while either of them were making it for him. She got up, taking the last bit of the second half of her bagel with her. “Rogers, we have to go show off in an hour.” She gave Clint a peck on the cheek before she put the bagel in her mouth and headed over to her room.

“Oh Genna, Fury wants me to tell Stark that he expects an update on Loki before we head to that super secret warehouse tonight. And he wants it in his hand writing, not typed or in yours.” Clint spoke louder than enough for her to hear.

Steve raised an eyebrow, turning back to the phone raised in his hand to see her roll her eyes. “These things are ridiculous. More ridiculous than Tony not doing them himself.”

“I imagine.” That was one thing he was happy for, not having to do those because, yes, he could always refuse, but who knows what that would’ve meant for Loki. Tony shuffling his feet was expected, so Fury was probably not going to do anything more than shift his weight on it. Still, maybe if Steve said something to Tony about his thought process… no, he didn’t really want to sound worse than Fury. Nor did he know any better than Tony did on it.

“But it sounds like you gotta go?”

“Yeah, just… uh, let Loki know if… I’m here when I’m not… on a mission. You know, if he needs… I don’t know if I’m the right one, but...” Honestly, he was sure he wasn’t the right one, but if there was some way he could reach out about not quite belonging in a situation and it helped, he could try it.

“You’re being supportive. We don’t really talk and I don’t know if talking’s his thing yet, but yeah, I will. Maybe it’ll make it better if he has the support.” Genna sighed and looked down, hating the lack of smoothness and peace in this situation. She couldn’t expect much, even from a month, but if it wasn’t everything Loki had gone through and his lack of talking about it or really much of anything to anyone, it was the fact Steve and Natasha were split off from the group. She wished her powers were healing situations, not just injuries. But who was she to decide what was right for the universe?

She looked back at her phone, giving Steve a small, but maybe sad somewhere in there, smile. “Talk to you soon? Sooner than a week maybe?” She bit her lip a bit after what she said, shaking her head. Too bold? “Good luck showing off.”

“Yeah, um, yeah and I’ll talk to you soon.” Too bold.

She smiled one last time at him before they both disconnected the call. “Sooner than a week maybe?” she repeated in a mocking tone to herself.

Sighing she stood up from her sofa, taking her coffee mug with her, downing the last sip of the now cold coffee. She didn’t quite know when staying in the tower became permanent, but she was given a room and she assumed at the request of SHIELD and her other housing provided by SHIELD became obsolete as soon she moved the last thing over out of convenience.

Dropping the mug off in her kitchen sink, she left her room to go find Tony. A quick ask from JARVIS told her he was in the conference room and she was advised he was in the middle of a discussion with  _ Ms. Potts _ and she caught herself quickening her steps rather than slowing them. Since nearing ten months ago, any conversation with Pepper was sparse and hardly pleasant for Tony regardless of the subject. And it wasn’t for the sake of pining, at least not how she understood it. It was for the sake of things said and reasons for the split that still hung with him.

She took a shortcut through the sitting area on the common floor, hopping down one set of stairs, speedily navigating around the now dark brown in color sofas and chairs on her way to the other set of stairs, hopping up those, climbing the longer set beyond up to the conference room. She slid the door open quietly and hovered in the doorway, looking to Tony and the screen.

“The board-” Genna caught what Pepper started to say.

“You know what I approve and don’t. Always have. Especially when I actually had time to approve them rather than now.” Tony sounded like he’d been repeating himself with how his tone sounded.

“You told me you didn’t have time then.”

“When I thought sex was a good excuse, but now the excuse is Fury’s scarier than the board. Besides, I don’t know why anyone wants or needs me anymore since-”

“Stark is still on the side of all of the buildings and you still invent. And you’re Iron Man, being Iron Man isn’t an excuse to get out of things, it creates more of a liability for you, a want for you. Your actual presence and face.”

Genna watched Tony turn his gaze from the screen and look at his lap. She knew, just as well as Rhodey knew, just as well as the Avengers knew, just as well as anyone who’d been around for Pepper and Tony’s breakup knew, as soon at “Iron Man” came into the topic with the two of them the wounds came to the surface, shutting down the usually loquacious Tony.

She opened her mouth to announce her presence before it got worse, but it turned out to not be needed as Pepper spoke again. “But okay, we’ll table that again. I want to know about John Doe who moved in a month ago apparently.”

“Not much to say.” Tony deflected with a shrug, but Genna knew he was about to panic a little since the fact even a  _ John Doe _ was staying at the tower period was supposed to be a secret.

“Not much to say? I mean I’m used to not hearing anything from you, but you set up a whole apartment for them according to the tower budget. And why this took nearly a month later to surface.”

“They’re… classified.”

“Tony.”

“They’re an intergalactic ally. We became acquainted through Thor, but Fury’s wanted them to remain unknown because he doesn’t know if they’re an asset yet… and, well, they’re not from around here. Intergalactic, as I said.” Genna stepped forward, into the room and stood beside Tony’s chair. Both the inventor and the CEO turned their gazes to her.

After a moment or two Pepper nodded, looking like she wanted to say more, but wouldn’t since Genna was there. It was what Genna had hoped for, stepping forward. “I’m assuming he needs Tony?”

“More or less. The mission was sent from Hill.”

Tony looked at Pepper. “We’ll pick this up in a month.”

“A few days.” And the screen cut.

He leaned forward towards the table face him his hands, a tired sigh crossing his lips. Genna turned, leaned back against the table, and reached for his shoulder, rubbing it a little. “Thanks,” he said.

She shook her head though he couldn’t see it. “I should’ve said something sooner… or coughed at least.” He looked up from his hands at her. “And I have bad news. Fury knows my handwriting.”

“Well, maybe he shouldn’t be giving us elementary school homework assignments where everyone feels like paying someone else to do it. Nothing changes, nothing’s gonna change. Everyone says the same thing.” He pushed himself and the chair back before standing and heading out of the room. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Genna was following before turning to face her, taking a couple backwards steps, “It’s alienating,” turning back forward to go down the steps. Honestly, he was grateful for this new subject to throw himself into, one he cared a lot more about than the one he’d been forced into facing until she rescued him.

“For Loki, annoying for me,” he clarified. After descending the stairs, he took his usual spot, in one of the chairs, with his legs draped over the arm. “I really thought he was, you know, getting comfortable, but we’re lucky if he does more than eat with us. Which is fine, regardless, but it’s like he’s afraid we’ll… I don’t know what, but it’s like he’s afraid of us and before I was really starting to think he wouldn’t be.” At least not around him. Granted, he saw more of him than just meals, there was more than one night a week he went in and woke him up from a nightmare, but otherwise, it was noticeable enough that he was avoiding the people writing character reports on him. And as far as anyone else was concerned, the nightmare routine didn’t happen both because it was none of their business and, to an extent, Tony thought it was better that they didn’t know he was spending more time waking Loki up than he was sleeping for a fraction of the week.

“Yeah, I’m not comfortable with it.” Genna sat on the end of the sofa, closest to where they came from, closest to him. “I don’t think anyone is… not even Steve.”

“Oh boy and he doesn’t even have to do it.” And maybe Tony was a little bitter about that, but certainly not more bitter than the fact Fury decided to move him and Natasha to DC in the first place. “How are they anyway?”

“The same, he hates it there. I’m sure Natasha does too. I spotted a calendar on the fridge where they’re keeping track of the time until you said you’d get them.”

“Cool, we match.” He hoped to remember to send Natasha a picture of theirs. Maybe they could send the both of them together in protest.

Shaking his head, he went back to the former topic and spoke in a mocking, imitative tone, “I expect nice update notes from everyone.” Sighing, he picked up his tablet from the coffee table. “I’m typing it, though. He just has to trust the honor system.”

And it didn’t get done on time. He started it, got maybe a sentence in, but got caught up thinking about the little talks they had following nightmares until it was too late to sleep more and they shared a breakfast. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized maybe it was a bit unfair to Loki to even think that he was afraid of them as a whole. He wasn’t afraid of Tony, at least not when it seemed like the god wasn’t thinking too much. There were times, times he himself had, where they’d been in the middle of talking about something, often something pretty trivial, often Tony saying the most and Loki adding anecdotes, and Loki would grow quiet, seem lost in thought, and close off a bit. It was kinda like he forgot everything bad, then remembered it all, and Tony had moments like that in the past and he hoped he hid it better, but also thought that maybe he noticed because he just recognized it.

By the time he stopped thinking and analyzing, Clint was back and they got caught up in Game of Thrones theories until Gus showed up with the details about who they were stopping and what they were doing since he’d spent the last two days getting that information. It was related to the weapons dealer Natasha, Steve, and Clint had worked on getting intel on over a month ago, about an associate, which just lead to something bigger.

It was nothing SHIELD or Fury was really too concerned with, something usually left to the FBI or CIA but if they could bring in any of the Avengers to avoid agent casualties, might as well. All of which Tony didn’t try to stop himself from rolling his eyes at, but still expressed sentiment about at least having something to do.

And so they went in, Clint ahead, Gus not far behind because the two of them were the most stealthy, Tony was in as soon as the people patrolling and guarding were all tallied up and eyes were on the target, and Bruce kept back but close in case the Hulk was needed as back up.

But Tony, as usual, was wondering why they couldn’t just lead with him.

“Shit,” he muttered as one of the extendable and retractable clawed arms the guards had bore into the left shoulder of the suit. “Starting to get why you said avoid the mono-noodle arms.” They were practically anything but noodle arms, made of armor and strong, but they still looked stupid. The guard he was currently fighting’s arm mechanism, as with the others, was attached to a series of straps and clamps that were wrapped around the person and all leading to the pack-like machine all of it came from. Out the bottom of the machine, a pole came out a burrowed into the ground.

“They look like they like you,” Clint muttered over the coms right as another guard came up and did the same thing to the right shoulder. The both started to retract their arms, pulling him closer. Planting both of his boots, drills came out and secured him to the concrete.

Tony noticed a third guard headed his way but lifted the gauntlet enough and shot them back with the repulsor into wooden crates before turning his attention back to the tug of war over himself.

“I just don’t understand why I’m here,” Gus said into the coms and Tony could hear a gun fire twice. “I mean, you know, since it’s me and a gun.”

“Because…” Tony started, but ended up grunting from the struggle against the two arms. “...this is part one of the plan to steal you from Fury.”

“How so?” There was more gunfire and the machines on both the guards made loud grinding noises as the arms went limp. Tony took hold of both arms and knocked both the guards into each other.

“You’re gonna work so well with us that it’ll just make sense you stay.”

“If I don’t die.”

“I mean at least you helped in your final hour.”

“I could’ve had this done by now if I went alone,” Clint chimed in before making a swift, balanced run for it across a rafter beam. He jumped down on the upper walkway, shooting a patroller with an electro arrow.

“We could leave,” Stark said.

“No, now there’s a mess that requires the two people that made it.” His eyes scanned the bottom part of the warehouse as various people with the arm weapons and various arrays of guns headed towards the noise that was Stark and Fair. He moved along the upper walkway in the opposite direction to find where Alfred Locus, the man behind all of this, scurried off to.

He felt vibrations on the elevated metal floor from measured steps behind him and fired off two more electro arrows off, downing two more Locus’s cronies.

“Could you at least be a better distraction?”

“You want me to draw more attention?” Fair questioned, sounding out of breath.

Then there was a loud bang further away in the warehouse and he shouted. It was a couple moments before there was a “I’m okay” from him over the coms.

“I mean Rogers and Nat quietly take out everyone we need to and secure the target and it would’ve been before the noodle arms were brought out.”

“Oh yeah we know how perfect they are,” Stark grumbled.

“But I mean you could at least be useful.”

“I can’t just start throwing bombs in here unless you want the structure levelled.”

“Come to the south side of the building.”

“Oh sure I’ll take a nice stroll over there when I don’t have fifteen different kinds of idiots to deal with.”

Then there was a loud sigh over the coms which silenced both of them. It was shortly followed by a loud roar.

“Sounds like there’s gonna be a long talk from Hill.” Fury could probably care less, for the most part, as long as it was done, but Hill liked things a lot cleaner all the time. Which was mildly ironic since Fury had the cleaner of the Avengers in situations like that over in DC and the smash and explode ones in New York under Hill’s watch.

There were shouts and cries from the cronies as they ran back down the hall.

“You wanted a distraction.”

Clint followed after them until he found the small crowd, climbing over each other, trying to bang on a door. “Found Locus’s safe room.”

There was a flash of green followed by a flash of red and the Hulk was peeling people from the door and Stark blasted any in between. Clint shot any that broke away back in the other direction in various places in their legs and feet to knock them to the ground. Using a grappling hook arrow that he attached to the ceiling, he propelled down and joined the two in the main part of it, dodge the occasional thrown person until the door was cleared.

Looking over the door, Clint noted aside from being metal and locked, it really wasn’t that secure. “A little minimalistic.”

Tony sauntered over before his helmet lifted the mask. “He really went for the inconspicuous aesthetic.” He turned and Clint followed to look over at Hulk. “Hey, big guy, could you get the door, pretty please?”

Both took a couple steps back as he stomped over. He lifted his fist and punched the door in so it became concave before he grabbed the open edge and yanked the door away. Clint went in through the now open doorway and found Alfred Locus cowered in the far back between a couple crates.

“Good job, buddy, but Imma need you to stay here and only smash if more guys come around,” Clint heard Stark say behind him before he heard him follow him inside.

“Please, please, I’ll give you information,” Locus said, lifting his hands in front of him. “That’s what you guys want, right?”

“I just wanted this done before nine and it’s eight twelve so…”

“Fair, target secure, you can call in the clean up,” Clint said into the coms.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony returns from the mission and ends up alone with Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** SUICIDE ATTEMPT REFERENCE // REFERENCE TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS  
> briefly in this chapter  
> suicide reference has been tagged, but i thought i'd formally say so for this chapter and in a bit more detailed way
> 
> \--
> 
> yep this came pretty quick following the last one. i thought to wait until tomorrow (or well i guess as i'm submitting it today) later in the day or wait until tuesday again, but it got written so fast that what the heck, it's valentine's day. also i'm super impatient and want to share this with you guys now.
> 
> i won't say much about it and just let you get into reading it. i hope you enjoy!
> 
> also i was thinking about maybe a discord server, but also idk if that would be too much to provide more frequent, you know, updates/notes on how chapters are going. i'm still down for suggestions or thoughts on that. thank you all so much for your continued viewing and have a happy valentine's day!

Tony was more than happy to avoid interviews for the ten o’clock news. He wasn’t fond of interviews as a whole even if he could charm a room of press in a conference room and liked talking about himself for the most part. It was just a level of “I’m sore and tired and don’t want a camera in my face” and just finding it a little dumb of a thing to cover. Sure, the Avengers were exciting to a vast majority of people, but noodle arms weren’t really much to talk about over the dinner table.

Though it wasn’t top secret and they were so noisy Clint complained, SHIELD managed to keep the details quiet and wanted to until they located all of the associates Alfred Locus was singing about. Tony was glad it was seemingly done and done, both on a he never had to deal with it again front and didn’t have to talk about it to people.

The Hulk gave up pretty easy tonight, probably because Bruce let him take control at all when he didn’t plan on doing it. He walked the scientist to his room after they got back, but left him alone there because he knew he preferred it and didn’t blame him.

Once Bruce disappeared inside, his eyes landed on Loki’s door. Maybe if he tried approaching him? Maybe he wanted someone to talk to just as much as Tony did right at the moment? He stared at the door for what felt like a minute but was probably less and decided that he probably didn’t as the update assignment he still hadn’t done crossed his mind.

Disappointed with the shape of his night that followed a shitter day, he went to the elevator and rode it to the common floor where the bar was waiting. He’d drink a couple or a few drinks and then head to his room and stare at the ceiling until his eyes closed or until breakfast. With it not much after ten, it looked a little long coming and bleak.

Still, he accepted it was a good plan, at least for tonight, at least for a moment and headed over to the far side of the room where the bar was tucked, but paused when he saw he wasn’t the only one deciding tonight was a good night to occupy the bar.

Loki’s raven hair was tucked behind his right ear and shoulder but dangled past his chin on his left side as he leaned forward over a white piece of paper he was writing on. He stood between two stools rather than on one and Tony could tell his back was tense even below his slightly loose hooded sweatshirt. The item was a surprise the first time he saw him wear one, but now he wore them frequently enough for him to think that he thought they were comfortable. Sleeves bunched up to his elbows and a dark pair of jeans was honestly something Tony couldn’t have called, but suited him well. Admittedly, he’d think anything suited him well.

A cry out follow by a small tuft sound pulled Tony back to reality in time for him to notice a crumpled ball of paper bounce across the floor and join a pile of five just like it. His eyes flicked to Loki who was standing tense with his fists clenched for a few moments until a sigh released it and he stepped over to the end of the bar where there was a stack of papers. He slid on from the top and down the bar a bit with his long fingers before he took his writing position again.

Maybe if Tony thought at all, he would’ve thought to leave, but at the end of the day Loki chose a common space and he was between him and the alcohol.

“Oof, that looks like a seven on the likely to commit homicide scale,” he said casually as he approached and made his way behind the bar. Probably a bit too casual or far too blunt and bound to startle the god, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“I think a nine feels more accurate,” Loki answered, cooly. Tony thought it sounded a bit out of reflex, but the wit made him grin anyway.

He grabbed the bottle of bourbon from the shelf and turned to face Loki who was wide-eyed and standing straight, pupils in the middle of emerald narrowing due to the light intake.

Quickly, his hands raised to the height of his elbows, palms forward. “Please, please,” he started begging. “I promise I only… I hadn’t meant it truly. Please.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Tony started, setting the bourbon down on the bar. “I didn’t think you did. Look, I’m smiling, okay?” His did his best to make his expression softer rather than amused like it had been before he saw the state Loki put himself in. “Anything we talk about stays between us, okay? Always has.”

Loki lowered his hands, but the rest of him still remained a bit stiff even as his expression looked confused, his jaw quivering a little.

Doing his best to press on, hoping it would get Loki to relax, he picked up a paper from the stack. Turned out it was a stack of the Fury worksheets, the Loki-specific ones. JARVIS or someone else in the tower must’ve helped him figure out how to print them off.

“He seriously put in the scale?” And he wanted him to detail his week. “For the fucking love of shit. This is stupid. He wants you to do this every week?” He looked up from the paper and at Loki.

He still stared at him for a couple more seconds before he blinked, nodded, nodded again, and turned to his paper again, taking a seat this time. “And I must.”

Tony felt a bit relieved that he appeared to relax or at least become interactive again. He looked down at the paper in his hand again, nose laughed, rolled his eyes, shook his head, and placed the paper back on the stack. “Yeah,” he mumbled, his tone sarcastic. He turned back to the bottle he placed on the bar, grabbed two glasses from the cabinet below, poured some in each, figuring if Loki didn’t want it, he’d just drink it.

As he was about to slide it towards him, he shot up again, this time without crumpling the paper, but he still looked frustrated all the same.

“I hate it,” he spat out, turned away. “I loathe every bit of it. That I have to detail a week that is the same as the last and reassure, once again, I don’t intend on killing anyone. That I’m afraid, so afraid it’s become hard to pretend I’m strong. That all I’ve to trust is ones that should hate me for what little I remember or have been told. That most of all I’ve done wrong to them is... barred from my mind’s grasp.” His tone turned from clear and angry to hopeless sounding and wet. “That my brother has left me to their mercy for an indefinite amount of time. That my powers, my comfort is no longer mine.” He sniffed, breath heavy. “That… who was supposed to be my father for most of my life wished me dead so fiercely that he commanded my torture.” He sobbed. “That it wasn’t the worst, though it certainly felt it.”

Tony wasn’t sure what more to do than stare at the back of Loki. He stood, still, grasping his glass, but not taking a drink of it. He wanted to leap the bar and take him in his arms as if the very act would take all the hurt from him. But he couldn’t clear the bar and, more of a reason than that, he didn’t know if that was what Loki wanted.

“But what hurts most is knowing I was the cause for it all, the blame is mine.” Thor didn’t talk much about what happened aside from losing his brother into what he just reasoned was like a black hole, but whatever it was Loki referred to, Tony was sure he was being unfair to himself. And it only became clearer with what he said next. “I only wished to die.”

Maybe Tony should’ve thought something was coming that would stun him further, but it was unexpected and he stiffened more, almost dropping the drink, but regripping just before he did. He continued to stare, but wanted more than anything to tell him none of it was his fault. It couldn’t be. It was horrible actions of horrible people, beings, whatever they were. Yet, he was afraid to say anything and just stood there as the silence clawed about the room, thickening the feeling of his blood. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing which he was sure he would.

Loki turned to him before too long, but he realized he hadn’t been breathing and had to try to make it look like he wasn’t gasping for air while he stared back at him. His eyes were red, already starting to get puffy, the skin around them splotching. He averted his gaze shortly after, quickly wiping his eyes, rushing to the bar, staring to scoop up the stack of papers.

“I’ve been vulnerable in front of you far too often and this has bested all the times before it,” he said gently, almost like a thought, but it still sounded like he was talking to him. He paused for a second, shook his head, reaching his free hand and arm over to get the stray paper and the pen. “I’ve troubled you far too often. Should a nightmare come to me, do not feel the need to wake me. Have JARVIS do it or let it be, do not feel it’s your duty.” He swiftly turned away and started out the area. “I wish you a good evening.”

 _Shit._ He fucked up, he should’ve said something.

“Hey, wait,” he said, not thinking. He set the glass down and rounded the bar to go after him. “Please.”

Loki stopped but didn’t turn around and he figured at the very least he was waiting so he should get on with saying something.

“You’re not trouble. If you really don’t want me to wake you up anymore, that’s fine, but if it’s because you think you’re bothering me… well you’re not. I want to be there for you. I know it’s asking a lot to say ‘trust me’ because you really don’t have any reason to, but trust me none of it bothers me. I mean I’m upset you’re upset and went through all that but…”

He still didn’t move, but it only urged Tony to talk more.

“Over five years ago I found out the weapons I was making were being used to kill good, innocent people. I should have known sooner and maybe it’s because I didn’t wanna know. And even then, even if I could try to use ‘not knowing’ as a reason to feel better about it, I still knew those weapons were being used to kill people, people someone else decided on based on their morals.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “And one’s still trying to kill me today.”

That caused Loki to turn around, looking confused and Tony decided it was best to show and explain. He slid the t-shirt he had on off over his head, down to the tank top he had on. He knows Loki had probably seen it since coming back to Earth, definitely could’ve seen the light some through the shirt he had on just now, but it was better to get the view of it.

“This uh.. stops that from happening.”

Loki looked down at his chest, up at his face, approached slowly, then looked back to his chest. He pulled the tank top down so he could see it, see it, but continued to watch him. He stopped less than a foot away, but looked up when he realized he was so close and shifted back a little. Tony noticed him slowly lift his free hand, but stopped and curled his fingers inward. He made eye-contact and nodded, giving him permission, and watched the hand touch the arc-reactor.

It was strange being here, parallelling the moment Loki’d touched the arc-reactor with the scepter, but this time out of curiosity and so gently, wonder in his eyes, not malice.

“Is Iron Man your recompense?” Loki asked, ending the silence and lifting his hand away.

Tony nodded, but added, “I stopped making weapons for anyone but my suit, the Avengers, and my friend Rhodey’s suit.”

“Do you feel it enough?”

He let go of the tank top, pretending to think about his answer, but he already knew the two-letter word he’d utter. “No. I don’t think I’ll think anything will be.”

“Then how could I expect anything I do to be enough?”

“What? No. This wasn’t… no, I wasn’t comparing what happened to me to you.” Loki stepped back a couple steps, looking confused again. “I couldn’t ever compare my experience to yours. It’s different… so different. I was just sharing one of my demons and honestly, I don’t even know why.” Maybe it was to make him feel like he wasn’t just talking to some saint, that he had flaws. Maybe it was to show some trust to get some. The last thing he wanted was to compare what happened to Loki to his experience because he couldn’t.

“Look, I don’t think you owe anything to anyone. No one should. You’ve been wronged and I think you’re starting to understand you have.”

Loki stared back into his eyes until the tears that filled them blurred his sight and he turned away. “You’ll learn to hate me.” He started walking away. Saying it was almost like a reminder to himself. “Everyone has.” This conversation almost had him believing that perhaps Tony wouldn’t ever. His persistence and patience in reminding him over and over that he didn’t deserve it. It was all enough to have him believe it, his past insistence giving him the power to voice his hate over his lot earlier, his insistence now reminding him of it and that he could walk away from this hating himself less for it. But he knew he couldn’t stop him from growing to dislike him. The universe had damned him long ago to others’ dislike and distrust, perhaps when he’d first decided to embrace the dislike for his difference, perhaps at birth.

He was stopped by a hand to the shoulder. And yet, Tony persisted beyond where he should have grown tired of Loki’s insistence. “Fuck those Asgardians or whoever else they are ‘cause you got me now and I’m attached.”

Closing his eyes, Loki sighed. “I lie.”

“So do I and, honestly, so far, I’ve noticed it’s only to hide how you’re feeling.”

“I trick.”

“You mean like that thing with you turning into a snake and stabbing Thor he told me about? It’s called pranking here and we’ve got a whole holiday for it.”

“I’m narcissistic.”

“Pfft, so am I. Are these supposed to get me to hate you because you’re really bad at that?”

Slowly, Loki turned to face him, trying to add weight to what he was about to say with his gaze. He would insist it once again by saying it directly. “You should hate me.”

He shook his head. “I’m not gonna waste time on a counter shouldn’t statement you might counter back and just tell you I don’t and won’t ever.”

His mind fought him, telling him not to be foolish, telling him he’d just be hurt later, telling him no one could ever be this certain. It put forward a good argument, but he was too tired to agree to it so he believed him, relishing in how good it felt and the warmth that it gave. And there was relief in it that he shared by swiftly bringing his lips to his.

Then there was dread.

All Tony offered was friendship in these words, he wasn’t in the right to expect more. What did the kiss even mean? It was true, the mortal was attractive, but this was far grander than that. It had only been a month since he could say he truly met him and though he could say he’d gone so far as bedding people after a night before, this was hardly the same thing. This was beyond something as simple as attraction. There was care, there was pulling him enough from his self-hatred to make him believe he could never be hated by him. There was safety in him just as much as there was danger in thinking it so which he has pushed by bounding forward in a moment that felt right.

Maybe he could still save it, repair the promise of friendship and leave the potential for more to the future if that was what the future wanted. He could say he wanted the kiss now with certainty, but his mind could change. It felt unlikely as his lips left his, already craving the more he’d ruined for the future. He could excuse the act as Asgardian tradition, sealing friendship with a tender act. No, it wouldn’t work since Thor had long since been friends with many on Midgard. Simply apologize maybe…

Tony’s lips found his again at only an inch away and they brought surprise and relief, though as he was giving in to relishing, Tony pulled back this time.

He opened his eyes to notice him wincing, moving his head back before he opened his eyes and looked back at him. They stared like that for several agonizing moments before Loki chanced kissing him again and before he could pull back as if too question if it was too far, Tony answered him with a kiss that said it didn’t matter if it was.

The papers and the pen were lost to the floor when Loki moved his hands to take hold of Tony’s cheeks while they kissed until they were breathless. They pulled back, his hands still holding his face, but taking room to breathe.

“Is this…” Tony started but stopped talking to breath more. “Is this how you get people to hate you?”

Loki laughed and shook his head, kissing him once more before he moved his hands to extend his arms out beyond his neck and rest his head on his chest and collar bone under his chin, feeling the top of the device in his chest touching the tip of his forehead.

He felt fingers going through his hair and it was soothing. “Everyone you know’s an idiot. All offense to them intended.” He laughed gently again, letting himself feel good, right, and lucky for what time would allow.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frigga and Thor reflect on Asgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly my summaries are so terrible, but here we are. i don't have a whole lot to say, not too much happens plotwise here i suppose, but it's about to really pick up starting next chapter.
> 
> i don't know how quickly chapters will be coming in the upcoming weeks, so i'd like to offer trying to find a better way to get notes/updates like this to you. honestly anything anyone would find ideal, i'm more than happy to look into!
> 
> i hope all of you like my little twist on mythology, kinda in the spirit of the mcu. at least that's how like to think of it. also, there's a bit of odin's a+ parenting going on. and as always i hope you enjoy!

It was easier to spend time away from the palace these days. Frigga knew it wasn’t going to make Odin suspicious since she’d been distant since losing Loki the first time. Perhaps one day she could have forgiven his actions towards Thor and his method to punish him because Thor could forgive it and he learned from it. Perhaps. They had all been worried they lost him to Odin sleep that time as well and maybe, since it had rocked him so, she could forgive it. However, she was not given time to forgive before Loki was taken from her. He had made many mistakes preceding his fall, but nothing she could ever wish to lose him over. He could do anything and she would never wish to lose him. The same was true for Thor. She felt the same for both of her sons, the boys she still wished she could hold close to her breast and keep them from the troubles of the universe.

But were she still able to, she wouldn’t have the pride she felt for both of them this day, even though her sorrow for Loki challenged that, making her nostalgic for the past far more frequently than looking forward.

Which is what had her looking to the stables for comfort.

The last time, when she had thought she lost Loki, she sought out his room, his belongings preserved, only moved by her hand to examine. She gained answers to his supposed final days and spent much of the rest of her time wishing she would have insisted they do differently than her husband decided when it came to their youngest. Perhaps if he would have know, he could have seen what was true didn’t matter, but even more so, she wouldn’t have let him believe less of himself back before he was already cursed to think it. He’d already thought it in the lie, why would the truth help it?

Sleipnir saw so much of her these days that he was waiting as she approached his housing and she was sure he felt comfort in it since he hadn’t seen her son for years now. She liked to think so anyway, another ally in her sorrow.

When Loki had been a young boy, Frigga fetched him from his bed late one evening, as she had done with Thor around the same age, to show and hopefully teach him something about life. One of the horses was ready to give birth and she had been prepared as soon as the horse had become pregnant, requesting to be informed when the horse was ready.

Despite having trouble wiping the sleep from his eyes, he followed eagerly and managed to be wide awake by the time they reached the stables and Frigga revealed to him what they were doing. It had been her intention to just have him observe, as Thor had the time she’d brought him, but there had been trouble in the birth and instead of staying back, Loki moved right along with her to aid in any way he could. He was diligent, patient, caring with all directions, determined to ensure a successful birth he hadn’t known about mere minutes before.

Two legs were freed, then two more, then two more, and another two still before the colt’s head was completely out of his mother. The stable workers looked awkwardly between each other, knowing what Frigga knew was to happen for a horse born with such a deformity. She turned to Loki, to direct him out of the stable before he figured it out, but he was already moved from her side, crouched a couple feet from the colt, grinning down at him.

“Loki darling,” she called to him. “Time to sleep and let the mother and her son rest.”

He looked up at her, the smile turning to a frown she knew would grow to a pout quickly. She was the only one he’d dared pout to, if he dared at all. “Will I be allowed to come back in the morning?” he questioned as she should’ve expected.

A glance at the two stable workers told her they were feeling solemn in what they must do, especially with the young Loki seeming so interested.

“Why am I not able to?” he questioned further when his question hadn’t been answered. He was always perceptive and Frigga knew it would be hard to get through this situation without her son learning the truth.

She turned her attention from him to the other two. “Is there anything to be done?”

The taller one, Ake, stepped forward, shaking his head. “We’ve not seen anything like this before, your highness. My apologies.”

Frigga curled her lips inward, knowing she would have to give her son a lesson about death, early death, just as soon as she’d given one about life, birth. She crouched down like him, to his level, giving him her softest, but sad smile.

“There was trouble in his birth as you know. He will have much more trouble in life, trouble we cannot assist with, so these two men must help him move on.” She watched him look down as he absorbed her words, making sense of them, and she knew he would quickly. He looked back behind himself to the colt. “We will mourn him properly.”

At the word mourn and before she could react, in one movement, he was up from his crouch then down again, hugging the colt around the neck, uncaring for the mess he was making of his clothes more than before.

“You mustn’t.” He wrapped his legs around the front of the colt in a protective fashion.

“Loki, let us return to your room, clean you up, and we can discuss tonight.”

“If I move they’ll kill him.”

She sighed softly, inching a bit closer to reach out for his arm, but the second she touched him, he moved the arm away, stiffening.

“No!”

He’d never acted this way to her before. She’d had to discipline him before, yes, but it was only something born out of his curiosity, harmless mischief, or involved him trailing Thor into something they weren’t supposed to be doing. It was never to do with a snap or a backtalk.

“Loki.” She didn’t raise her voice, but made her tone stern.

“He is only different, why must he be condemned for it?”

Which was what Frigga realized as the head of the whole thing: this colt was  _ different _ . The word was often thrown into conversation in regards to Loki when whoever said it was attempting to sound polite. He was different for not being fair haired, not built to be as physically inclined as valued, thinking of his actions before making them, making mistakes when forced to be impulsive, his skill in magic, and tricks he tried to use to impress and for attention. Different was used when someone couldn’t say what they wanted to about him. He was too young to know it and unfairly treated with these thoughts. He was too young to form a connection with a “different” horse so quickly for the description.

And she knew this horse couldn’t die for being  _ different _ . This horse couldn’t die at all. Though her son had yet to know it, they shared in a similar history. Even if she could never imagine the decision of Loki being left to die and she could still reason the colt’s death, they were more similar than anyone aside from her and her husband would ever know.

She sensed she’d been too quiet, stilled in her position, crouched and staring forward at her son, when Birger, the stouter of the two stable hands spoke up, “My apologies, but we must… move forward. There is nothing else to be done.”

“How do you know? You’ve said you’ve not seen this before.” Loki turned his gaze to him, but still hugged on to the horse.

“That’s enough,” Odin bellowed just outside of the stable stall. Frigga turned to see her husband enter the doorway, every bit of him turning imposing energy toward Loki. She never quite knew what had drawn his attention to the situation, but she decided it was a guard that had overheard and decided it best to rouse him. They did it often when it came to anything Loki did small to large, thinking it best to inform their king. She wasn’t insulted thinking they did it because they thought she couldn’t handle it, she was angered knowing they did it to present Loki as troublesome again. “You will apologize to the both of them for your insolence.”

“I apologise,” he said, quickly looking to Ake and Birger for a short amount of time, then turning to Odin. “But they’ve decided to kill this horse without giving it a chance to prove it can do just as well as any other.”

“Apologise!”

Loki flinched a little at the command, letting go of the colt, facing his father. “I’m sorry for my rudeness this evening.”

Frigga glanced to the guards who nodded in spite of Loki not looking in their direction and looked like they didn’t want or need the apology.

“Now you’ll go wash and return to bed. You’re expected for sparring in less than three hours.”

“No, I still won’t allow this horse to be killed.”

Odin was losing the last bit of his patience and Frigga stood to stop the fight before it continued. “He’s just witnessed his birth.”

“And I am debating having him witness it’s death as well.”

She flashed him a look in that moment that spoke of daggers and not sleeping in their bed.

He sighed through his nose then, looking beyond her to Loki. He had several moments of thinking before he landed on what he thought was the best path. “You think you know better than these men with expertise? I will allow you to make your attempt to prove it. When the horse dies, know you’ve failed and caused it needless suffering.”

She turned to look at her son, proud to see him nod with a determined fire behind his forest irises and a promising smirk played across his lips.

Odin thought he’d be teaching him a lesson with this, but it was actually him who should have learned the lesson about Loki since he was provided with it so obviously. No one should ever underestimate Loki and he was no exception.

Sleipnir snorted and nudged the side of her head, bringing her to the present and what troubled her with Loki far more than that night ever could. Still, it brought forward wishes and regrets that perhaps if she’d have made it clearer to her son to not take “differences” as slights and encouraged louder than the rest of Asgard everything that made him him. Maybe it would have made him more vain, but maybe things would be different too. She knew, though, it would have been far more important to tell him the truth of his adoption sooner and more gently than he’d found out.

She pet the side of the horse’s head down to his neck, then again, and again, pulling back a bit to look at him. It was strange looking back to the years that past, then thinking about the now. She knew it was only self torture to wish for how simple it was when he sons were young and unfamiliar with the truths of the world, but she would wish it all the same because she wasn’t perfect, even to herself.

“Mother.” She recognized the voice of her eldest son and smile softly before she turned to face him. She gave him a nod, letting him know it was safe to talk there, and he stepped closer so they were within decent speaking distance. “We spoke of  _ Thanos _ sounding familiar.” He held out a book.

She took hold of the text and shining on the cover was  _ Titan _ . It didn’t take long for her brain to make a connection, but she allowed her son to speak of his findings before she spoke.

“He’s mentioned nearer to the end, their fall. Deemed ‘mad’ for his suggestion to save  _ some _ of their life.”

She found the page with his mention, barely an anecdote. “None had any reason to believe he survived what his planet did not.”

“Until now. We should have known before.”

“Yes.” She felt there was more to say than the simple agreement, but she couldn’t find the words to best place her feeling. There was a lot of should statements about the past that hung about in the near present and it seemed it was only right that there was one more.

“I wish it were easier to return to Midgard and seek answers from… Stark.” They’d taken to referring to any of his friends in place of Loki only as a precautionary even though the rest of the conversation was always a risk itself.

Since his return from ensuring Loki’s protection, he’d been maintaining a cover that he’d gone to Midgard to inform them of his brother’s escape from prison as a warning, not that he’d actually been the help him there. Certainly, he could simply return to Midgard, settle back with the Avengers without it being too questionable, but he’d rather maintain that he wished to be on Asgard as he should only to figure out what was going on with his father.

It became evident as soon as he’d learned of Loki’s fate at the decision of Odin, that something wasn’t right. Perhaps the threat of a death sentence had been customary, certainly a life sentence was appropriate without the knowledge of the truth behind Loki’s actions. Looking back, Thor saw error in the fact their own father even entertained a death sentence and nothing was done to look further into what had happened to Loki between his fall and reemergence, in spite of how much harsher their father had always been to him. Though more concerning that it all was what he decided be done to Loki as the sentence progressed over the year. It seemed out of Odin’s character.

More time spent here only confirmed the thoughts he had over it and he was left wondering if his father had grown unbelievably harsh over the recent years or something else was amiss.

“If it were easier he would be here without fear for his safety.”

He nodded, giving his mother a sad smile. They spent a lot of their time wishing for what had been the prime of their family back, though he only wished for it back if he could be wiser to Loki’s misgivings. His slights weren’t imagined even if in his mind control he spoke in a imbalanced nature about them and Thor shouldn’t have dismissed them as such.

“I only wish for his return, all I ever wished for the both of you. Your return to safety and love only if it pleased you.”

He saw his mother’s eyes grow wet and before she could actually cry, he pulled her into a hug. He only wished for Loki’s peace and for their mother to see him again, happy, though perhaps he should wish for more.

“I will see to it, I promise.” And he would promise it until it became true.

After a minute, he felt her turn her head. “Something’s not right today, have you felt it as well?”

“I think it’s the source for my studies in the library.” He pulled back and motioned to the book before taking a couple steps to looking at horses in neighboring stalls to Sleipnir. “I’ve felt too guilty to entertain myself with time spent with my friends. They remark on how different I am these days.”

“That cannot be helped no matter where this situation would have lead. You find no ease in pretending to be yourself when matters lay heavy on your mind.” After she summoned away the book, she turned back toward Sleipnir. “They will understand.”

“I wish I could be a better companion to them. A year spent away making new friends certainly has hurt them. If it were appropriate to suggest they join me there, I would.”

“It’s certainly something to think on. I’m sure the Avengers wouldn’t mind the help.”

Thor grinned at the thought, his world fusing and none would lack his presence. He just wasn’t sure if it was best for Asgard or even Midgard, the change potentially creating chaos.

Sighing, he returned his thoughts to Titan and Thanos. “Should he have found a way to extend his planet’s resources, I’m sure that would have been time better spent than suggesting murder.” Of course he was only voicing his thoughts on something he possibly didn’t know enough on, but he also knew murder of fellow citizens was a decision none should make. “Or limiting birth. It’s been practiced on Midgard.”

“And he seeks the Tessaract.” He felt his mother’s eyes on him for a moment as the potential of what that meant sunk in.

“Perhaps I should ask-” He began with a thought about gathering Sif and the warriors to start a quest to find Thanos, knowing he’d have to come up with an explanation to why he knew of his existence, but was interrupted but the noise of armor as a guard approached.

He turned to face him as he bowed and nodded him on. “I apologize for the interruption, Queen Frigga, Prince Thor,” he started, standing up straight, but turned so his attention was more focused on Thor. “Heimdall requests your presence on a dire matter on Midgard. He hasn’t left me with details.”

And he wouldn’t have, especially if it was to do with Loki as Thor suspected it was, dread filling him inside. Of course he could mean any of his friends or something serious facing Midgard in general, but at this time he felt he would be more specific if that were the case. No, it was to do with his brother.

He turned to his mother who his her worry behind a regal mask he was sure only those close to her knew was fake. Or maybe Thor had just grown accustomed in the recent years, knowing his mother’s sorrow and concern over Loki better the more they spent time together. “Go, I’ll explain their need for you should anyone ask.”

“I’ll tell him to let you know when my friends are safe.” He knew she understood what he really promised and with it, he followed after the guard until he was free of the stables and could fly to the bifrost to know what danger faced his brother.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic breakfast and a bit of past revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i'd spoil everything if i put anything in the summary, i suppose i could just not put one but *shrug*
> 
> this is when a major plot point spikes and the chapter is a bit longer again. and guess to avoid spoiling anything i won't say anything much about what's going on in the chapter.
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoy! happy last day of february and hope you have a good beginning of march!

Ever since Steve and Natasha left, Clint wasn’t exactly accustomed to smelling something nice when he joined the common area. Steve was better at cooking than most and Genna hardly did it in the morning because there was some sort of running around she was doing. Maybe her brother could cook, but he doubted it and he was more likely to be somewhere other than the tower than her. He was the one with the more normal job out of everyone. Maybe it really was Genna and she was stress cooking because it was over five weeks since Steve and Natasha moved to DC.

With probably having to remind her that Stark will drag the both of them home regardless soon on his mind, he tiredly rudged towards the kitchen, pleased with having a decent breakfast at the very least. Yawing, he walked through the doorway and caught the classical music playing. He paused, looking over in the kitchen area, knowing Genna usually listened to a collection of upbeat pop and rock songs mostly from before she was born, and noticed it was actually Stark and Loki over at the stove.

“No, nope, this is where I draw the line for bonding session ideas,” he stepped forward, hands raised in front of him crossing them over each other in swiping motions. “You’re not teaching Loki how to cook shitty like you do.”

“Actually, I’ve taught myself,” Loki corrected, proudly and at the statement, Clint’s eyes glanced over at the several perfect stacks already sitting there.

“So this is what you do when you’re alone all the time?” He picked up a plate from the stack of empty ones and stacked a few of the pancakes on the plate.

“I had to come up with something other than reading to report to Fury every week.” The god shrugged, returning his gaze back to the current pancake he was working on.

Clint nodded, picking up the syrup and topped the pancakes, grabbing a fork and headed over to the table to sit, but on the side face the other two. “Yeah and I’m sure having sex with Stark isn’t a good thing to write in the blank.”

“No and we’ve not copulated, I assure you.”

He looked over at the both of them, Loki just going about his business cooking, Stark looking like his head was about to explode from the laugh he was holding in. He was sure it was because of the word Loki decided to use and not because they’d actually had sex. Clint believed that, but he wasn’t dumb enough to think there wasn’t  _ something _ going on between the two of them. He could care less because it was no skin off his bones if they were together. He liked Loki in spite of their history since their history was nothing either of them could control and he didn’t care what Stark did. Or maybe he did, but the whole Pepper situation and him moving on wasn’t his business. He just knew, if they didn’t already, a number of the others would think this was something to be concerned about.

“Yeah, uh huh, whatever you say.” He could still pretend he didn’t believe. He took a bite of the pancakes in front of him, stunned at how good they were, even if maybe he shouldn’t be surprised. “So why haven’t you been sharing the gift of pancakes until now?”

Loki shrugged, sliding a completed one onto the top of a stack. “I suppose I wished to perfect them first.” He was a bit happy for the change of subject. Not because he was embarrassed, but because he could only imagine that some would not be too fond of the developments between him and Tony and he certainly did want them thinking it was anything more than it was were that the case. Still, they seemed safe with Barton. Despite their past, they seemed to have some collected understanding through their shared experience that Loki was grateful for. He could hardly ease his guilt yet, but he was proud to have some level of friendship in Barton.

“Well, you did.”

He grinned at him, reaching for the batter and dispensed more into the pan. “My mother wished us to know how to prepare food though others cooked for us. It helped when Thor and I would go off on our own or with his friends and we knew how to do something with basics and fire.” He didn’t notice he called Frigga his mother until after he paused, but held back the worry and sadness that made him wonder if she thought of herself as such still after all that happened. “Of course the difference is I’m without magic to assist. Which is a challenge in seeking perfection.”

“Oh no, it’s almost like you’re one of us.” Barton laughed before taking another bite.

Put that way, Loki supposed he felt just slightly less sad about the loss of his magic. Most days he could take the fact in stride or at least pretend he was, as much as anyone could with the loss of a large part of themselves. There was something still about Barton so casually suggesting that he was one of them. Of course, he could merely mean he was just like an average Midgardian, but even then, instead of feeling his pride get offended at the idea, he felt grateful to be compared to the people who had shown him the most kindness he’d seen in a vast many years of his life. Midgardians were better than him and no one to look down on despite their short lifeline, something for Asgard to look on considering how easily Thor and himself understood.

It made him all the more desperate not to lose their kindness and friendship, but he also knew, logically, he wouldn’t. At least not from the one standing next to him or the one seated at the table. Tony and Barton eased his worries, both without having to show much effort and with Tony constantly reminding him. It was dangerous to feel comfortable in a short time, but he was left without a care over it.

Instead he relished in every kiss he’d received over the past week, the peck on his cheek Tony gave him before he turned back to the breakfast he ate standing up. He thought to insist he join Barton at the table, but he chose to instead be selfish and have him close where he could lay sweet smelling maple kisses on his cheek.

“Well, I think it’s only responsible as an innocent bystander to make sure you guys know enough about each other before you copulate.”

Tony, at Barton’s statement, rolled his eyes and lowered his plate, eventually setting it down as he turned toward the man from his backwards lean against the counter. “You guys keep calling it that and imma remain a virgin forever.”

“Virgin, ha ha. Forgive me for not using you as a sacrifice when the time comes.”

Loki rolled his eyes before making eye-contact with Barton. “What is it we should know?” He was curious what questions he was going to ask, hoping he potentially had the answers for most since it seemed important.

“Well, first, what’s the other one’s full name? I mean first, middle, last and bonus points for nicknames.” He points his fork between the two of them.

“Uuuuh Loki Mischief Thorbrother… the third?” Tony winced, not looking confident in his answer, but powering through it nonetheless. Loki almost felt guilty for not giving him a proper name to work with that he preferred but he’d only been giving anyone his first name as an introduction since he arrived.

Barton made a deep, but also shrill noise and shook his head. “Nope.”

“Oh come on, rigged. Asgardians don’t even have middle names.”

“And there’s never a ‘the third’ so negative one hundred points.”

Loki laughed lightly, finishing the current pancake he was on, then preparing to clean up.

“Okay, Loki, his name?”

Pondering for a moment what he could make of everything Tony had told him, realizing it wasn’t much aside from knowing which name he preferred, as he went for the sink to clean the pan and dispenser. “Tony… Stark, the Iron Man?” He looked back at Barton who was shaking his head.

“Nickname, last name, nickname. His full name is Anthony Edward Stark and he hates going by Anthony so do with that what you will.”

“Anthony,” Loki repeated softly. He gazed over at Tony, hoping his use of it for the moment wasn’t upsetting to him.

“Joke’s on you, I like the sound of him saying it.”

“Anthony,” he said a little louder this time, liking the sound saying his name too.

“Gross, you guys are gross. I was gonna give Loki twenty points for at least trying to take this seriously, but now it’s negative two hundred fifty.”

He finished cleaning the dishes before finally picking up his own pancakes and joined the spot next to Tony, leaning forward on the counter.

“Okay, birthdays?”

“He’s not sure of his real birthday, but before all the drama they always celebrated it six months after Thor’s.” Tony had been debating just coming up with a day with Loki, one that he wanted, where they could just celebrate it and make it feel like he had some control over the whole mess that was his life.

“Twenty-ninth day in the month of May,” he heard him answer next to him without a prompt from Cint. He followed by lightly nudging the side of his butt to his and Loki responded by cheekily doing the same.

“Cool, your score’s negative five points now.”

“The fuck even is your scoring system, Kantmiss?”

“Now it’s negative three thousand.”

Tony looked over at Loki who was currently chewing and it was beautiful even though he wasn’t sure how the god even managed that. It was like he was some piece of art in motion and he’d be lying if it didn’t make him want to kiss him over and over until he thought the same thing about himself. “Sounds like imma be a virgin forever so you might as well abandon ship right now.”

“Virgin?” Tony looked up and over at the doorway and saw Bruce walking in. He noticed Loki stand up next to him. Clint seemed comfortable enough with the quickly formed… whatever you could call his and Loki’s relationship, but it wasn’t a secret that Bruce was hesitant over it. Tony knew his science bro believed Loki was mind controlled and he’d even expressed disdain and anger over the fact he’d been tortured, but he was still hesitant. “You told me once that you hosted a number of  _ get togethers _ over the course of something called Orgy October.”

Tony straightened up to lean towards Loki better to whisper. “Halloween was the best.” And he smiled in response and he noticed him soften a bit and lean back down on the counter over his plate. Relieved, he leaned back down next to him and started eating again.

Bruce eyed the two, both of them as attached as ever, enough to make him nervous. It started day one, whenever Loki was seen for the past month, he was usually around Tony. He knew it was because the both of them were strikingly similar, even with very clear differences too, and it was easier to understand someone who faced their trauma the same way. Even still, being friends was one thing, but something happened in the month that lead to this relationship of theirs that he guessed didn’t have a name yet. He saw it coming, even early on, because he knew the look Tony had when he found someone attractive, but then it became something else, bigger than that, and way too fast. There was more than enough evidence for him that it wasn’t Loki behind the battle of New York - and he’d been through more than too much even if he had - but that didn’t mean he was just comfortable like that. He was cautious, realistic, and worried about a friend who spent several months hating himself over an end of a relationship that really wasn’t his fault.

But he wouldn’t say anything and would try to just push on with whatever this was. Spending as much time as the two did together, even in just a month’s time, was bound to kinda speed it along so maybe he could just accept it was natural. And the two of them seemed happy which was enough to make it hard to argue against it. He could also reason there was one or two others that would oppose the whole thing enough to give the two something to think about, work against.

Instead of worrying too much over the growing relationship between his close friend and the cosmic once-prince they were giving refuge to, Bruce picked up the last empty plate near the ones with large stacks. “You know there’s only the four of us, right?” he questioned, looking over at the two that had to be behind it.

Loki shrugged, pausing his eating following the most elegant swallow Bruce had seen which he didn’t quite understand how he did so naturally. “Contrary to how it may seem, I have an unending hunger.” He raised an eyebrow, but before the smirk could be fully formed, it was stopped by Tony snorting.

He swallowed hard and Bruce was surprised it didn’t end in a choke. “Okay, birdy.”

“I know what that means now, Anthony, and I will have you know I do not eat like an avian. I had to perfect these in some way, did I not?”

“So you eat like a swan with the appetite of a bear?”

Loki’s nose scrunched and something about that told Bruce he didn’t like the description given and probably because he didn’t think a swan ate in a very attractive way. He laughed lightly at that, taking his plate over to the table with Clint.

“I’m not done with the questions,” Barton said and Loki turned his gaze from Tony who was grinning rather stupidly at him, proud of his comparison of him to yet another avian. “What condition does Stark claim to have?”

Tony stood up from his slouched position. “Hey, no, no, it  _ is _ a condition. Whadaya think this is for?” He tapped his chest with his index finger where Loki knew his arc reactor lay.

“No, it’s not there to help a condition, it’s to stop the shit inside you from murdering you.”

“One in five…” His voice along with Barton’s faded off into mumbles as something else took hold of his thoughts.

He’d taken hold of Tony’s throat, throwing him to the ground, stepping up on him again as he struggled to get up only to take hold of his throat again. He threatened him and others with arrogance high in his words just to match his malice and frustration that terrified him down to his core and at the peak of it, he threw him through the glass of floor to ceiling windows similar to the ones on the common floor. In fact the entire common floor was similar to the one in this reformed memory, the sights beyond the window the exact same which would mean, using logic, it was as high up. His intent had been to kill him and gruesomely.

Wrenching backwards until he was against the sink counter behind, he could hear his plate crash and break, but his squeezed shut, wishing it would stop the memory and take it away and make it untrue. He’d tried to kill him, the one who showed him such care, the one who should hate him more than the rest, the one he could say without question he loved. He’d lied to him, successfully, and Loki had trusted in that lie, quite nearly relied on it to keep his guilt at bay, but it didn’t make him angry with him, it only made his disgusted with himself. He’d attempted to kill him, unsuccessfully, evident since he was here to fall in love with, his Anthony. How could he even think of him as such now?

“Hey, hey, shit,” Tony called out to Loki, bounding over the broken plate to him, taking hold of his elbows, holding his forearms to his. It had been so long since the last memory came to him, pulling him away into a panic, but Tony still drew on what helped each time, trying to ground him by his touch. “Kitchen, Avengers tower, Kitchen, Avengers tower.”

When Loki finally reopened his eyes they were glazed, still far away. “It’s Tony, right here. Just focus on that. Whatever you’re seeing wasn’t you.”

“It  _ was _ me.” His eyes became clearer, but he still wasn’t quite looking at Tony or anything, at least it didn’t look like it.

“Nope, Tweetie, not you.” He would repeat it until Loki got it.

Suddenly, he jerked his arms away and in response Tony took a step back, giving him space he seemed to want even if it made his heart lurch a little. Watching him, he noticed he was a bit more present, but he avoided looking at him still. He’d been around for a lot of these moments and he’d never pulled back before which made him wonder what the memory was.

“Hey, guys, Fury’s wanting us to check out an associate of our best friend Locus,” Clint said from behind him and he turned to watch him stand up the crouch he had, cleaning the plate mess with Bruce, with his phone in his hand.

Tony looked back at Loki to catch him look away again and frowned. “You guys got it without me? I could st-”

“No,” Loki said, finally looking at him. “Go with them. If you don’t, Fury could suspect something amiss in regards to me. Besides, they need you.” He smiled the worst fake smile he’d ever seen him attempt. “I’ll be well.” He widened the bad smile.

None of that made him feel any better, but he suspected more it was something to do with not wanting him around while he straightened the memory. So instead of arguing like he wanted to, he leaned forward and pecked his cheek, paused then kiss him on his lips, relieved when he kissed back. In spite of his worry, he flashed him a cocky grin when he pulled back. “Wait up for me?”

“God I hope this doesn’t take that long.” Loki took the excuse to look away from Tony and over at Barton who was throwing away the mess from the broken plate. Banner approached him next with two empty plates and he took them, but paused before taking care of them.

He turned his attention to Tony, putting better effort into his smile as he nodded. He had to leave him believing all was well in spite of his anger with himself over what he’d done, pretending he was better off from the memory with this nod and the previous return kiss.

He could tell Tony didn’t believe it, but he still followed along with Barton and Banner to make for the quinjet. He still kept his smile though until he was sure they were gone with the lack of noise.

The returned disgust in the silence came with tears this time, trying to fight with living with himself and any hope of moving past it. He wanted to, oh how he wanted to because moving past it meant the hope to return to what they were this morning and had been for over a week, over a month even. Absently, he cleaned from breakfast, the used plates, the remaining food put in the freezer as part of a suggestion he’d heard, digesting his wish for that return, in the process realizing that the change was only on his part and his choice.

He paused then, hand still on the handle of the closed freezer, thinking back on Tony’s concern and unchanged attempt to comfort him. Yes, he’d had no idea what memory it was he remembered, but it was a memory he took part in and one he thought nothing ill of him over. Wasn’t it selfish to hate yourself more than the offended party? He realized at the asking of his own question that it was. Anthony cared for him and didn’t hold any blame to him, how could he punish him by his continued insistence of his own guilt? He must reward his faith by showing some of his own. Nothing had to change aside from becoming stronger.

There was a noise from beyond the open doorway between the kitchen and the rest of the floor. Had it really been long enough since the others left?

He smiled, deciding he wanted nothing more than to be held by Tony and didn’t care what any others thought or if running to him and kissing him fiercely on the lips as though it had been months since they’d last shared space made him look too young and foolish. He would say he was sorry even if Tony had no idea what for because he would forgive him anyway. And they could move on as slowly or as quickly as the other wanted because even though his life had been long and may be much longer still, he was done pondering any minute of it when it came to what he wanted. There could be regret later if he did go too fast, but he imagined that would hardly compare to the regret if he didn’t.

He walked with light, but quick steps, grin widening in his assumption he would find Tony just walking in through with whatever announce Fury sent the trio off to handle, but he would be disappointed, then confused, then panicked, his eyes landing on a barely familiar man seated on the far sofa.

“Ah, there you are,” he stated, getting to his feet. He was covered in gear and midgardian armor that Loki associated with SHIELD and then it occurred to him that Fury may have deemed it necessary for him to be brought in.

The man nodded in his direction, but not to him and before he had a chance to look behind himself, he felt shock from something hard, but electrically charged his back. Crying out, the strike rushed through him and for a moment he sight of Thanos looking down on him, proud of his choice in electric torture flashed in his brain before he hit his knees, bracing forward on his hands.

“I had an inkling that would decommission you enough.” A pair of hands on each of his arm yanked him up, back on his knees. Loki’s eyes glanced to the man to his left, to his right, then forward to the first man and he tried desperately to even his breathing again and focus. The first man approached, looking on his phone. “According to the file Stark arranged, it appears you may not remember me?”

He decided to let silence confirm his confusion as he finally got control of his breath and focus, but only seconds later he felt another shock probe go through him, but instead of falling forward this time, he struggled against the hold on his arms involuntarily, the grip tightening anyway. There must have been a fourth behind him.

“I need answers to all my questions your highness so make sure you stay with me.”

He struggled to settle his breathing again, eyes looking to the floor, slowly looking the man over, finally looking to his face once again. “If you continue that… I… won’t be of much use.”

“Your state means little to us. You broke your promise from the last time you were here. Though, to be honest, we suspected you might.” With his free hand, he reached into a pouch and pulled out a vial with a needle on one end and a button on the other. “So we developed this.” Loki watched the golden liquid slosh with each movement of the man’s hand, glittering as it caught light. “We’d like to call it God Killer following this conversation. A human man dies within seconds of a cardiac arrest. Basically, it convinces your heart that it no longer needs to run no matter how hard your brain may tell it otherwise.” He grinned proudly. “Quite painful too.”

The man closed the distance he had between them and reached with the vial over his head to whoever was behind him then he retracted and took a couple steps back.

“Still, I’d like to get some information from you before I use it. Would be a waste after all.” He paused, slipping his phone away into another pouch. “I’m Agent Anderson, I was your liaison to Agent Strucker.”

It was blurry, but it came to him. Strucker. Hydra. Hidden inside SHIELD. He promised them in exchange for their support he would give them power. Even in his mind controlled state he was planning on not keeping his promise, finding them all lesser. Still, he promised them he would-

“You told us you would make us gods. Though now I find it a bit funny since we will be killing you, a god.”

He still found them lesser now, but not in arrogance, in their choices, their methods. They thought themselves right to own the Earth and they were undeserving. Even before his fall, Loki knew he felt arrogance in believing what was his, but he was told harshly that it never was then learned it over and over until the last bit of self worth was beaten from him. And yet, though now he faced his death, he’d learned to hold his head again. Not high, not confidently, but he could hold it again with the promise of knowing his worth in the future even without having one.

They made it clear he wouldn’t be making it through this, or, at the very least, that was their intention, but he knew the other three had to return at some point. The only way they wouldn’t was if something happened to them and dread over that gripped at him, yet he still had to focus on the one in front of him because the alternative was of no help right now. His chance of survival was reliant on how long he could make this conversation last.

And since it may be his last, he had to make it a last he held power in.

“You wish to know how to use the stone?” He questioned, remembering their interest that was beyond fear of it and how Loki himself used it.

“Oh no, we’ve been successful in using it. We’ve managed to create two enhanced individuals.” He imagined with a number of failures as well. “Though we do wonder if there’s a way to take back the gifts.”

“Have you lost control of the individuals?”

“No.” Yes. “We just want some insurance.”

“The mind stone doesn’t withdraw what it gives.”

Anderson appeared annoyed and perhaps disheartened by this information, but he doesn’t linger. “There’s more, isn’t there? The mind stone, the Tessaract…”

“Yes.” And by not elaborating on his own, Loki’s certain he annoys him.

“What are they?”

“Stones.”

For that he receives another shock and though it hurts, he feels pleasure in knowing he’s irritating him. He’s given a moment to catch his breath though he’s sure by now the grips on his arms have earned him bruises.

“They hold immense... power, each tethered to a different aspect of the universe.”

“Where are they?”

“Do you truly think if I possessed that knowledge, I would be here, about to face my death at your hands?” He still would be, but it was better to bluff, be dishonest. They could think what they will, but in truth even if he wasn’t powerless at this moment as soon as he would able to obtain the Tessaract from Asgard, he would be far from any of the stones. “They’re scattered. I imagine all are impossible to obtain for most, especially you.”

Anderson’s jaw tightened and it only urged Loki on more, knowing it dangerous to anger him, but also knowing the more he said, the more it prolonged his time left. “Midgard already lost one, gained, but lost. It’s deep within Asgard. All of them, a universe beyond your grasp, and you, the lot of you, are only mortal men. You could never hope to make it to them let alone face any that oppose you. You think you alone seek the stones? The one that sent me frightens me, the reason I wake feeling like a child in the night, longs for them. You think he cares you wish to liken yourself a god? You’re meaningless to him, may as well be nonexistent. The truth is your organization hardly means anything to what matters to you, even I believed that when I made the bargain with you.”

He stared back at Loki, hard, and he found satisfaction in knowing he’d struck the final chord and proved to be a complete waste of their time.

“Shock him.”

The one behind him did.

“Shock him.”

They did it again.

“Shock him! Shock him! Shock him!”

Each were just as painful as the preceding, but worked Loki into a breathless numb. He was forced to lose his smirk and pride as all he could think of were the shocks and the memories they brought up. Stiffened in his pain, he remembered the sweet relief that came with the lack of shocks and following them he went limp only to no longer being held up by his arms.

He was caught by the neck and Anderson rose his face to his, only wheezes from his attempts to return his breath making it through his lips. “I want you to know by the end of tomorrow all of the precious Avengers, all their allies, will be dead and Hydra will rise and all you’ve accomplished is annoying me for a matter of minutes.”

“Sir, Turner just messaged that Stark’s on his way back,” Loki could hear from the man behind him.

“Inject him.”

There was a prick at the base of his neck and Anderson let him fall to the ground where he could more successfully start to catch his breath. The four men left him, heading for the stairwell, and Loki began to rise, not feeling the effects of the poison, trying to make it through the aftereffects of the shocks, them disappearing through the door long before he could manage anything beyond a kneel. He got to his feet, unsteadily, but tried steps after them by the time he felt his heart lurch.

He lost his balance on the small set of steps into the sitting area, catching himself on the sofa before he fell completely to the floor, yet unable to stop himself from sinking along the side of it onto the floor anyway. Though he was sure he’d hurt his leg, he could hardly feel it over the pain in his chest. He grabbed at it as though it would help, but it didn’t lessen. He coughed and coughed again, only intensifying the pain during the duration of each.

_ “Loki, Mr. Stark is on his way to you,” _ he heard JARVIS say.  _ “I’m not sure what happened… I’m sorry.” _

Tony was coming, he just had to stay conscious. He would be there, he just had to see him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone works to help Loki and Tony looks for a solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think it's safe to say i'm not a jotun medical expert.
> 
> anyway, aside from that i think the rest is self explanatory and pretty spoiler-ish. i just want to thank all of you for being around and reading along and hope you enjoy this chapter! ( well, and the ones to follow of course )

“So… uh why d’you think Fury sent us to an empty lot?” Tony asked from his seat at the front of the quinjet. They had the stealth on, hovering high enough so they could see the whole lot, empty and not the warehouse Fury said.

“Maybe we’re supposed to wait for the woman to show up?” Bruce questioned, shifting a bit in the seat next to Tony.

“He said warehouse,” Clint reminded, sitting behind them.

“Does this mean we can go get tacos instead?” Tony looked over at Bruce, then Clint who seemed to actually be pondering it.

“You just ate pancakes twenty minutes ago.” Bruce raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t get to finish.” He pouted then sighed, slumping in the chair a bit. “But, yeah, whatever I really would rather get back to Loki anyway.

“What do you think the memory he remembered was about?”

“Definitely about throwing Stark out the window.” Clint spoke like he was thinking out loud and not involved in the conversation.

Tony felt his stomach sink. The problem was, he should’ve known that’s what it was with how he was acting, but it couldn’t just be it. He could’ve just wanted space because whatever it was happened to be just overly upsetting. There was a number of big things he still didn’t remember.

But the fact it most likely was remembering the thing Tony lied about the first day they met (or re-met) had him gripping at the controls. “Yeah, honestly fuck Fury let’s just-”

_ “Sir, incoming call from Agent Fair.” _

“Dammit… yeah patch him through.” The sound of background noise filled the quinjet. “Hey, second Fairest of them all. You guys give us the wrong address?”

“What? No. What address?” Gus’ tone seemed just as confused as his words, but also quiet against the background.

“The message Fury sent us an hour ago about the location for a Locus associate? The coordinates are an empty lot. And have been for like a half hour. Did we miss some meeting window or-?”

“F-fury’s dead. How…? No one told you?”

“Dead? How’d… dead?”

“He died earlier this morning.”

Tony looked away from the windshield where Gus’ picture was displayed along with time of call and the sound waves and between Bruce and Clint who were doing the same thing with him and the other. How could Fury be dead? Tony had been pretty sure he was immortal or like a phoenix or something or when death came walking up he just gave him the look and he’d walk away for the next couple hundred years. But the fact “Fury’s dead” is a statement he heard today in this millenia? He felt colder the more it set in.

“Something’s going on at SHIELD. They’ve put out a max level threat manhunt for Steve… and well, now Romanoff too... all other assignments are dropped until further notice.”

Clint looked from Bruce and over at Fair’s picture like they were actually on a Skype call with him. If they were on the run from SHIELD that meant they were on the run from someone that knew all of Natasha’s identities, all her safe places and whatever was going on was attached to Rogers.

_ Rogers _ . Why was he the head of the manhunt? Clint couldn’t think of any instance where SHIELD would go after him. Or at least couldn’t think of anything Steve would do that would have them after him. His instinct was to contact Natasha and join them until they got out of the woods, but he knew he couldn’t. And he trusted her to know what she was doing and trusted Rogers to back her.

Fury was dead and there was a manhunt for Captain America  _ above all other assignments _ . This was something bigger than everyone, something snaked deep within SHIELD.

“They were watching everyone like a hawk at this office, but I managed to get out and find Genna. We’re laying low right now, but it’s probably not gonna be long until they find us if they’re looking for us.”

“Do you feel like they might be?”

Bruce just watched Tony. He had his own thoughts, but it felt easier watching him think through everything Fair was saying, speaking easily, getting the information his brain needed to move on to the next thought. Watching him focused and taking control of the conversation was almost relaxing or at least something that gave Bruce focus. People criticized Tony a lot for him impulsiveness and he often used humor to get through a situation, but times like this, when he was the first to step forward for it, he really took a leadership role.

“Yeah.”

“Come to the tower, we’ll head back there and hack SHIELD. I mean it’s the safest…”

Bruce watched Tony when he trailed off, sitting up straighter the longer the inventor was thinking like he was expecting to be asked to do something, though he wasn’t sure what. He opened his mouth to inquire about it, maybe urge him to finish what he was saying, but he ended up speaking first.

“JARVIS what’s going on at the tower?”

_ “I don’t know, sir. I’m sorry I lost connection shortly after you left the tower and I didn’t notice.” _

Tony hastily connected the dots between the fake Fury message to something being amiss at the tower and he hated being right. Loki was there. Loki was there and someone, somehow, got in. He wasn’t sure what hole in the system that was exploited and he wasn’t sure how it even happened, but that was the last thing he needed to worry about.

“Gus, hold on. Imma let Bruce and Clint take over.” He turned to Clint. “You and Bruce get to the Fairs and I will call you in thirty minutes or less, if not, get out of the city.” He waited for him to nod before he swiveled the chair around, but paused when Bruce grabbed his arm. His look said “be careful” but the scientist wasn’t going to stop him. He wouldn’t have been able to and he figured he understood that.

He got up as JARVIS already had the suit prepped and ready for him to get on. He stepped into it and it closed around him, the back of the quinjet opening, ready for him to take off. He looked back at the other two one last time, them returning the look. He felt like he wanted to say “good luck” and they looked like they wanted to say the same, maybe something about Loki too, but none of them did, maybe saying it was better left silent feeling in the air. It wasted more time anyway.

He burst off from the back, knowing he’d reach the tower in under two minutes, but not sure if it would be enough time after how long they’d been away.

_ “Sir, I’ve reconnected. Loki has been poisoned. I’m determining the composition, but his heart rate is low. It appears his leg has been sprained and bruised in a small fall.” _

His heart tightened, glad for the suit being able to maintain the flight on its own because he was sure he’d have fallen out of the sky in the second. Poisoned, but there had to be a composition and then a counter composition, right? Poisoned and low heart rate which meant little time. No, no, he couldn’t die. Loki couldn’t die, it just wouldn’t happen. Poisoned, heart rate low...

“Contact Rhodey, tell him to suit up and come to the tower as soon as possible. Contact Happy and tell him to keep close to Pepper. Is the tower empty besides Loki?”

_ “Yes, the offending party appears to have left.” _

“Tell Clint and Bruce, fill them in on Loki’s vitals, tell them to get here with the Fairs. No one else gets in the tower until I say. Start running new codes through your system.” He’d get behind that more directly once Loki was out of the rough water.

He flew in through the quinjet access, landing out of the way, but stepping out of the suit after it opened to run across the upper balcony floor, then down to the bottom floor of the common area. He found Loki on the floor of the sitting area by the nearest sofa.

“Loki,” he called to him, nearly falling over from skipping stairs, but ultimately bent down to his knees by his own choice. “Loki I’m here, stay with me.”

“It… it h-hurts,” he said, his voice not weak, but clearly pained and struggling.

_ “The poison is unknown and there’s no known antidote. It has centralized on his heart.” _

“Did they say anything about it, Loki?” He took hold of his forearm, him gripping his back.

“They… hoped… call it… ‘God Kil-ler.’” His eyes opened to half-lidded and made eye-contact with Tony’s. “Nothing… nothing else than… JARVIS… said.” He gasped between any breath he managed, between most of his words. “They…”

“Shh, hey, it’s okay, just focus on staying awake.” Tony reached over with his free hand and brushed his hair from his forehead.

The room grew dark of natural light suddenly and the lights turned on, but he didn’t look away from him to figure it out.

“They…”

_ “Sir, Thor has arrived.” _

“Let him in.”

He was relieved at this moment Thor had taken this moment to show up, but he was sure he’d be annoyed later. Later when this situation wasn’t dire and Loki was fine, he would be annoyed he didn’t show up sooner. Now, though, he had the hope and relief that Thor had to know what to do.

“Dr. Banner needs you to be ready to boost Loki’s heart. It would be best to relocate to the Med Bay.”

“Can you hold on around my neck?” He asked, not bothering to wait for Thor to get to them. He helped guide Loki’s arms so they were wrapped around his neck, then slowly helped him up, lifting his long legs to the sides of his hips, taking as quick as he could to stand. As he turned he could hear a loud thud and caught sight of Thor with Mjolnir on the ground at his side, him standing at the top of the stairs to the balcony floor.

“Get the defibrillator prepped.” He stepped up the short steps, then started up the longer ones to med bay, heading in after Thor.

He lifted Loki slightly to sit him on the bed, attempting to turn him, finding it difficult with how long his limbs were and how tightly he still wrapped his arms around his neck. “I’m sorry, but I need you to let go of my neck now so I can help you lay down.”

He loosened his grip and went a bit limp and Tony helped him lay back before lifting his legs onto the bed. Without much thought, he gripped the top of Loki’s shirt and ripped it open, a couple of the buttons popped off, clicking against the floor, but the others came free of their holes still attached. He held him up by a shoulder, alternating to get the sleeves free, then did the same getting his undershirt over his head.

Reaching over he rolled over the rack of sensors for all the monitors to attach, found the heart one, and attached it first then the others. He heard Thor approach behind and grabbed the cart the defibrillator was on from him, pulling it closer.

“What’s happened?” Thor finally found the opportunity to ask as Tony watched the monitor, hands hovering over the defibrillator handles.

He didn’t look at Thor, focused on the numbers, ready. “He was poisoned,” he said, sounding unfocused on the conversation. “It’s attacking his heart.” He wondered then if Thor would turn right around to Asgard to get some help on it, but he was met will silence and the blonde hovering. Tony glanced at him and noticed his gaze was on Loki’s vitals and the analysis of the poison composition. Slowly, the god shook his head.

_ “Dr. Banner said to be ready.” _

Tony picked up the paddles and turned to Loki, positioning them on his chest. There was the telltale whine from the alarm, signalling the flatline followed by the alarm that signalled that the paddles were charged to what Bruce instructed. He pressed the buttons and Loki’s body jolted up in response, shortly following, beeps could be heard signalling a heartbeat.

He gasped, eyes opening wide and Tony stepped back in response, turning to put the paddles back. Thor stepped around him and the machine and joined his brother’s side.

“The others, aside from Mr. Rhodes, have arrived.”

And barely seconds later Bruce, Gus, and Genna entered, circling the table, Thor moving out of the way, looking reluctant.

“The poison’s still attacking his heart,” Bruce said, gently guiding Tony out of the way. “This just jump started it, but his heart rate’s declining again.”

Genna and Gus placed glowing hands on Loki’s chest, Genna biting her lower lip, Gus looking to the display of the heart rate. Bruce watched the vitals from where he stood at the defibrillator.

“Anthony,” Loki called to him and he instinctively stepped closer just to silently be guided back by Bruce again. “They were of Hydra…” He swallowed, wincing. “They… they said all of you would be dead by tomorrow’s end.” He winced again, his eyes closing. “I’m sorry… I’m… sorry.”

“This isn’t working,” Gus said in Bruce’s direction, focused more on what he was doing than what Loki said.

“We keep trying,” Genna pushed, looking up at him.

Tony on the other hand caught his mind wandering to the word Hydra, back to the chaos in the room, over to Loki who struggled between keeping his eyes open and closing them, them often meeting his, remembering what his dad used to say about the downfall Steve ensured for the Nazi allies, telling himself Loki had to be okay…

“Loki!” Thor called out and Tony was brought back to reality and the sound of the flatline again.

“Tony, I need you and Thor out of here until Loki’s in the clear,” Bruce said, using his much smaller body to block Thor from moving forward.

Reluctantly, Tony took hold of Thor’s forearm, tugging a little, but it was a moment or two longer of the god watching Bruce start Loki’s heart again before he followed along with him. He couldn’t get him to come down to the sitting area with him, choosing instead to stand, then sit at the top of the stairs, but at least it was easier on Bruce to get the work done.

Barton turned to Tony as he approached, question on his face about what was going on. “Too many cooks,” he told him, not sure what else to say about how Loki was doing because he didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t good.

The archer nodded, turning back to the hologram feed of CNN he had up. “They’re still on the run,” he filled Tony in on his end. “Nothing on why they have to be, but there’s a theory it’s to do with Fury’s death. Fair didn’t really manage to tell us anything before we heard about Loki.”

Tony nodded, staring at the hologram feed, but not observing anything on it. His mind was too preoccupied with everything to really speak at first, spending most of the silence convincing himself that Loki would be okay, then ripping it all apart. There had to be a way, the Fairs would come through, but then there was no change from when they started.

Blinking, he pursed his lips together for a second, deciding to focus on the other pressing matter since there was nothing he could do about the other for the moment. “Loki said people with Hydra did this.”

He looked at Barton from the corner of his eyes to see his reaction, gauge it. At first, he raised an eyebrow, snorting a little, probably coming up with a couple quips to say about how long ago they existed, then Tony watched the realization hit him. Loki had no real reason to know who Hydra was unless they existed right now. Of course, he could’ve read up on who Steve was, but to just talk about them while he was flatlining as the source of why? No, it meant it really was Hydra and they really did try to kill him for an unknown reason.

“No, no…” Barton mumbled, shaking his head. “They… it’s related, isn’t it? They’re the ones in control of SHIELD. They killed Fury because he was a threat and are after Steve because… well a number of reasons and…”

“They told Loki they were gonna kill us somehow by bedtime tomorrow.”

Clint opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted when Gus spoke.

“I… I… Genna and I keep trying, but nothing’s happening,” he said, seeming a bit lost. “It’s like his heart is fine just is trying to stop? We… we’ve… and it’s getting harder to get it going again. It’s just… stopping.”

Thor stood up instantly and went back into the med bay without anything more said, brushing past Gus a bit because he was just slightly in the way.

“She won’t quit, but we just… we can’t convince it to run we can only heal.”

Tony wanted to run up there, be with Thor as he tried to talk to Loki, avoiding saying goodbye because he probably thinks talking could just convince him to live. Bruce, though a realist like Tony, would still be diligently trying to start and keep Loki’s heart going just as Genna, forever an optimist, would be running her energy out on something she couldn’t heal, but his feet wouldn’t move. Maybe it was because Tony knew he wouldn’t fit quite right into any of it even though his heart was lurching, ready to come out to either stop with Loki’s or be Loki’s. He could feel the dread before it was even the end.

But there had to be an answer. There always was, especially at the most hopeless. He’d learned that when Yinsen called him the great Tony Stark and questioned his giving up and kept enacting it in the years that passed since. Tony didn’t give up and, even deciding to sacrifice himself wasn’t giving up, it was the opposite. Just sacrifice and building something weren’t the options this time and that was all he knew how to do and this was a matter of Loki’s heart stopping. And it couldn’t, it shouldn’t because he and Thor should live approximately fifty times longer than a human.

That was it though, the answer right in Tony’s head, though when it had been said years ago, it wasn’t meant for this, it was the answer all the same: Loki was meant to live for…

“Fifty lifetimes,” he said suddenly, moving toward the stairwell, not letting any more time be wasted now that he had the answer that should’ve come sooner.

“What?” he heard Barton question after him, but he didn’t stop or even call a quip over his shoulder at him as he disappeared into the stairwell.

He was sure he skipped any step he could manage without falling on his way down to the lab, but he really didn’t remember most of it, a blur until he skidded to a stop right in front of the far wall behind his workbench. There was a number pad, eight digit code, simple, but simple was what it needed. Everyone in the tower and Rhodey, Happy, and Pepper knew it. He’d learned back in 2008 that it was needed and should be easy to access for anyone that he trusted enough to do it. There had been a thought to not have it in the lab, but a swift analysis by JARVIS said he spent most of his time in the lab. Maybe over the last month it got a bit more skewed, time divided out with Loki, but stats of where he spent his time really didn’t matter now, finding the emergency use even when no one was really looking. Not that anyone really looked for an emergency, but no one, not even Tony himself would have thought this would be the use.

He punched the code in, glad his brain worked it naturally without him having to think too much, fingers gliding to each number in one fluid motion, opening the slot that slid out, grabbing the crystalline light and looking it over in his hands like he didn’t know it like the back of them.

“This will work, this will work,” he repeated to himself, daring the universe to not allow it to, turning to head back in the direction he came, choosing the stairs again, feeling more in control of time with his own legs doing the work and bounding past steps.

“Stark?” Barton questioned as he bypassed the sitting area and took the steps up to med bay two at a time.

He dodged the twins, Gus basically having to push Genna to guide her away from the room, still struggling against him though she looked exhausted. She paused, though, as he passed, letting out a confused, concerned, “Tony?”

He rushed over to Bruce, bending down to catch his breath from all the stairs and adrenaline and rushing, one hand holding onto his knee, the other extending the arc reactor out to him. “Fifty lifetimes…” he huffed, getting his breathing under control. “This could run his heart… fifty lifetimes. Well… longer but…”

“Tony!” Bruce called out, sound stern. He took the reactor, then pushed on Tony’s shoulders to straighten him out and started pulling at his shirt. “You need this to live, you can’t just pull it out.”

“No, it’s the spare,” Tony responded, gripping Bruce’s shoulders to get him to stop.

“And?” he questioned, but shook his head and glanced back at Loki. “I’ve got him… his heart’s beating but barely and it’ll just stop again and I can’t keep putting him through it and eventually he’s not gonna come back… I don’t know how long he has this time, but he’s out now. He can’t keep handling it, I know he’s an Asgardian, I just can’t keep-”

“And this.” Tony grabbed the bottom of Bruce’s hand that was holding the reactor. “It keeps the shrapnel from my heart, but we can work it to run Loki’s. It’s possible.”

The scientist was quiet for a minute, looking back at Loki, then the reactor, then Thor, then Tony, then the reactor, then the other three who were crowded in the doorway, then Tony again. “If it’s possible-”

“Which it is…”

“ _ If _ it’s possible, I can’t just… I don’t know how to perform the surgery blind.”

“You’re not going in blind, use me as a blueprint.”

“I can’t just open up his chest like this, it’s not my training.”

“We’re here to help,” Genna spoke up.

“Yeah, you got the Fairs, you got me-”

“Tony, I just don’t know if I can…” Bruce sighed, looking down, shaking head, sighing a second time following. “I know someone, a surgeon, a genius, but it’s unlikely he’d help even if this wasn’t Loki.”

“Do you think he’d do it as a challenge?” Maybe the guy was into getting his hands on working with the arc technology, maybe there could be some persuasion dealing with this unknown poison.

“If he thinks he won’t fail.”

“He won’t.”

Bruce sighed again, looking back at Loki. He wasn’t certain if they would fail, but he was hardly as confident as Tony was. He hated the idea of giving up, hated ripping Loki from Thor again, hated feeling like there was nothing he could do. But the truth was there was something he could do and even if it didn’t work… he hated to think Loki would suffer more for nothing. Yet, it still wasn’t a reason not to try.

“His name is Stephen Strange.”

“Sounds like a fucking magician.” But still, Tony nodded and looked up towards the ceiling. “JARVIS, have Rhodey stop by and pick him up, have him say something like I need help with the reactor and heart issues and say it’s urgent.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone finds out if Tony's solution will work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this is late, especially so because this was also done before i just forgot because of life and everything going on.
> 
> anyway, not to say too much about what happens in the chapter, but i tried some different way of re-telling events that i hope isn't too confusing. i just wanted to experiment a little bit and do something different than going from a to b to c to d and instead glimpse into a and b and c in the middle of d.
> 
> this is also stephen strange before the accident, just in case that's confusing.
> 
> i think the next chapter will be the last one in what i'm calling "part one" unless that changes as a write it, but i don't see why it would. and i think it's safe to clarify that the winter soldier plot in full is happening in the background of this to nat and steve. that's why i haven't been visiting them directly because it's honestly, pretty much, exactly the same.
> 
> anyway, as always, i hope you enjoy this chapter and i appreciate all of your continued support and reading so very much!

Tony stared at his hands probably because they were more interesting than his knees or his feet. He wanted to be distracted, but he was too distracted to play with his phone or watch something. If his mind wasn’t on the past several hours, his mind was on what the next several could bring. He wished his hands were more interesting so he could be saved from what really occupied his mind, but how could he hope for that when literally anything else didn’t do the job?

And he knew he shouldn’t feel guilty but he did. Anyone would tell him what he was feeling guilty over wasn’t something to feel guilty for, but he did.

“So, you lied to me?” Rhodey questioned him. It was after he’d just arrived, full suit, with who Tony could assume was Strange beside him. He was sure his friend was as relieved as he was annoyed to see him standing there and Tony figured JARVIS was a bit indelicate and uninformative with the information he gave and Rhodey probably didn’t take the moment to clarify it if he thought Tony was dying.

“Uh, no I didn’t lie to you,” he defended with a shrug. “I said arc reactor and heart issues and I didn’t exactly mean mine…”

Rhodey looked less annoyed, more concerned at the change of information, his eyes darting around the sitting room, taking note of who he saw, who he didn’t. Romanoff and Rogers were on the run, so Tony thought maybe his friend might assume one of them or Banner who was up at med bay, anyone but who it really was about.

“Um, it’s probably easier if I just take you up to Bruce,” Tony said to Strange, telling himself he had to play nice over and over in his head because from how Bruce made it sound, this guy’s ego was one to match his or worse.

He looked up from his hands and over at Thor who sat, holding Loki’s hand, keeping the perfect vigil beside his still frame. He wondered how much Asgard knew, or well, how much his and Loki’s mother knew. Maybe minimal since she wasn’t there, but that could also be because the Asgard situation was far less simple than Tony thought it was. It had to be because he thought Thor should’ve been there already to keep this from happening in the first place and at the end of the day he knew the god better than that. And if he hadn’t known before, watching him next to his brother’s side showed how he was ripping himself up over something he couldn’t control which was the second time in two months, and Tony didn’t know how many this was over the last couple years, but he figured it was a lot.

“So you brought me here to operate on the alien that caused mass destruction here in New York and tried to take over Earth?” Strange questioned the obvious and trying to look on the outside of the whole situation, which Tony guessed it was fair. He hadn’t been there for the past month, getting used to the idea that Loki was actually a good person, god, alien, being, not even having the facts.

“We don’t have time to explain it all, but that wasn’t him,” he said, knowing it wouldn’t be enough.

“Wasn’t him? It looks like him.” Again, that was fair, but Tony could feel the time pressure.

“Look, he was mind controlled and I understand that’s the abridged version, but he’s dying right now. His heart’s stopping.”

Strange looked over at Loki on the bed. “What you’re trying to do is risky and experimental and you didn’t study medicine.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been living with one in my chest for years now.”

“That doesn’t change anything. You’re over your head and getting me involved in something that’s a waste of my time under false pretenses.”

Tony’s jaw tightened, a glare setting in.

“We don’t know what else to do,” Bruce said softly before Tony could say anything more. “I understand the risk, but it’s more of a risk without you.”

“And if you’re so worried about this looking bad on you, get over yourself.” He felt Bruce elbow him in the side. “I mean, no one’s gonna know besides us and we want you to try.” He crossed his arms over his chest, working on swallowing his bitterness, his brain supplying the dire situation without him having to search too hard. He was sure without it - without the heavy worry that this may be Loki’s final hour, final minutes - he’d be more ready to say snide things without much of a reason to hate the guy besides his manner. Maybe it was just that a pompous narcissists automatically detected each other and the hate started before the other one breathed. 

“He’s going to die.”

Strange seemed to absorb those words for a moment or two before sighing. “He’s still an alien.”

“Which is why he isn’t dead yet.” Tony could play nice, but he also had every right to be annoyed with wasted time when it happened. “Otherwise, he pretty much has a heart same as us.”

He watched him look beyond him and Bruce and followed his gaze over to Thor. It was a handful of seconds before the blonde nodded and Strange turned back to Tony and Bruce. “Okay.”

He heard Thor take in a deep breath before letting it out slowly from his place. It was like the last time he was in this position, refusing to do anything else but be near Loki and, like before, Tony couldn’t really blame him. He himself was sitting in the dimly lit med room, the sun long gone and not accompanying the few little lights left on, doing much of the same thing, but keeping his distance because his excuse for being there was just “making sure the arc worked” even though it very clearly did.

Both of them, of course, had been banished from the room for the surgery, Strange barely even letting the Fairs in there, making a comment about them that wasn’t getting him invited to the Christmas party. Tony was grateful that he was helping so he didn’t say everything he wanted and honestly Genna spit back her own remark with class that amounted to something about only staying for Loki.

Since he was banished, he was at the mercy of Rhodey who, oddly, took his time wandering out to him in the quinjet. Tony had the video feed up on the front screen, but also was coding a higher defense for JARVIS’s system. He wasn’t insulted that someone hacked his system and shut his AI down for a time, but he was angry at himself. He could be mildly impressed if whoever it was wasn’t a part of Hydra and took part in murdering someone.

“When were you gonna tell me?” his friend asked and he turned to watch him approach from the back.

He shrugged, deciding to control the conversation to be light since he wasn’t about to fight with his friend, especially with the shit storm going on with everything else. “I guess an instance like this would’ve been a time as good as any.”

Rhodey sighed, but only shook his head. He took a seat on one of the back chairs leaning forward on his knees.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you,” Tony spoke again. “Thor and I just worked really fast and it was really only us and Bruce and Genna. And I know you would-”

“Say you were being impulsive and that you shouldn’t. Yeah, probably.” He looked down. “But I’m glad I didn’t.” He paused. “Barton filled me in.” Tony knew that meant he thought it would’ve been worse had they waited. “Asgard really did that to him?”

He nodded. “I… and Thor too I’m sure, spend a lot of time wishing he wouldn’t have been brought back there. I mean me less than at first because there’s a lot more to feel guilty about… especially now… but…”

“I still don’t trust him, but I’m not an asshole.”

“You aren’t?”

Rhodey raised his eyebrows. “Wow, that was bad, even for you.”

“Well, at least I didn’t make a bad burn out of a bad burn.”

Shaking his head, he laughed lightly, barely audible, but his chest shook. He sobered up then, sighing. “I don’t trust him, but let’s just say I don’t hate him and I really hope he makes it through this.”

Tony let out a slightly shaky breath and glanced over at the feed to see the doctors working away, Gus and Genna hovering. “Did I suggest the right thing? I mean I’m forcing…” He tapped his chest where the arc reactor was. “...this on him for the rest of his life.”

“It was the only option, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah… the healing didn’t work and I assume something Asgard related could’ve been done or worked otherwise Thor would’ve said something.”

“Are you mad at Yinsen for saving you?”

“No…” He might have been for a split second before it was explained to him, but he wasn’t mad at him for any of it. He owed about everything he couldn’t repay to him. But still, he didn’t feel any better about having to make this decision for Loki.

“I know you’ll feel guilty forever over it, but I don’t think he’s gonna be upset with you.”

“It’s my fault he’s even in this situation in the first place. If I would’ve stayed this morning, if my system would’ve been that much better…”

“I think you should’ve been told you didn’t have to be perfect more as a kid.”

Tony nose-laughed a response even though it was still a heavy topic and a pretty deep observation.

“He’ll be okay, alright? Just now you gotta lay off the heart problem jokes because you’re not special anymore.”

“All the more reason to make them? But fine, fair, I can make jokes about being connected now.”

Rhodey laughed and, even though Tony had expected to hear about how irresponsible he was, he was feeling a bit better and less hopeless. They were friends for a reason, even if most of the time it was Rhodey’s job to bring him back down to Earth, they shared a lot of the same, mildly cynical humor even if most people didn’t really know it. And he just seemed to understand when something was going on and the lack of need to comment on it. Tony knew he saw him looking at the feed from the med room frequently and knew how he was acting towards the Loki situation, but he decided that discussion was for another time or not at all.

Maybe it was for after Loki was awake and everyone was sure he was functioning. The both of them had dodged most conversations about the kisses and glanced and being so close they were touching about three-fourths of the time except for one really small one he had with Bruce a long time ago and since his friend had only been slightly nervous, accepting that, whatever his and Loki’s relationship was, was happening in spite of it being so soon. Tony just knew Loki would be the one feeling bad, nervous that he was pushing his boundaries, which was ridiculous. So what if they cared this much about each other already? Maybe they both were too old to be acting like teenagers in love, but he could care less. He sure as hell wasn’t going to hold back after everything happened now.

“I know you care for my brother,” Thor’s voice pulled Tony out of his thoughts and back into the dimly lit room where they were alone with the man in question. He looked over at him, staring and wondering if he was also the god of reading minds.

Blinking a couple times, trying to clear the stunned, stomach dropping feeling or at least evidence of it from his face and body language. “Yeah we all kinda of care about him in our own ways,” he said, pushing through this, hoping this is the direction Thor was actually going. “He’s really kinda nuzzled his way in. Like a cat.”

“Stark, I think it fair to inform you I’m over a thousand years old.”

“Oh jeez, you’re more of an old man than-”

“And I know my brother. Though he had been rather direct so I would have to be more than dim to not know he cares for you too.” Thor didn’t look over at Tony while he spoke to him, still watching Loki for any signs of stirring. “While you were out of the room, he’d asked me to inform you he was sorry and that he loves you.”

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it, looking away from Thor and over at Loki. Neither of them had really used love yet, not out loud and maybe what made him nervous was that it didn’t feel too soon and that he wanted him to wake up so he could say he loved him too right that second.  _ Too soon _ was a phrase that scared him because it made him worry that it would ruin so much, but he also felt relief all over again thinking that there was the opportunity to tell him the same and they were going to be testing this  _ “too soon” _ theory.

But then that was all if he didn’t ruin it by doing what he did.

“And then I ruined his life.”

Thor finally looked over at him with those words, bewildered at his meaning. As far as he’d gathered and understood Stark had done the very opposite since he’d gone to him with his thoughts that Loki hadn’t deserved punishment. He had, and as of the last several hours quite literally, saved his life. Far more than Thor had done himself for a long time. Unless there was something he hadn’t been made aware of, he couldn’t imagine what he meant.

“You are aware he is alive?”

He looked up from his brother and at him for a moment, making eye-contact, then back again, Thor still watching him for answers. “It really sucks being reliant on the thing in your chest.”

He nodded, looking back to Loki. “Aye, especially when you’ve been poisoned with something designed to make it unreliant.” He knew what Stark meant, but he wasn’t about to let him feel guilty over something he’d done to save a life.

“No, I mean-”

“It’s truly amazing that you’ve provided something reliable to eliminate that unreliability.”

“No, that’s what I’m trying to-”

“I know what you’re trying to do. You think me an idiot as much as my brother does. I see the match the both of you are.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see him open his mouth again. “I owe more than I can repay to my brother so I think the least I can do is argue against your guilt since he’s not able to right this moment.”

There was silence for a moment before he heard Tony snort. “Does being stubborn come naturally to Asgard like being gorgeous or do you take a class on it?”

“I wadger as natural as it is for you.”

The man finally laughed then, shaking his head and Thor grinned in return. “I don’t really think you’re an idiot, Thor.”

“And, occasionally, Loki says the same.”

They were quiet then for a while, happy that the room felt lighter and in turn it seemed the lights weren’t so dim anymore, though Thor knew it was only reflective of his mood and not actually the truth. It was nice to joke and laughed with Stark who felt as guilty as he did for things they couldn’t control. The man may be hard to understand at times, but he was just as grateful, if not more, to call him a teammate like the others. And, though maybe some would think he should be, he wasn’t bothered by whatever had developed between him and Loki. It seemed right to him as he thought about it, almost as if it was destined in a way which is why it had happened so fast. He couldn’t be unhappy over something his brother thought so important that some of what he thought were his last words were sentiment to the one he loved.

And he was relieved he would be okay. He was still nervous, knowing he would insist on being cautious until he was absolutely sure he was functioning well, but he felt good with the certainty that once his body had rested enough he would be awake.

“You know I had initially informed you I know you love my brother so you’d feel you could sit at his vacant side instead of keeping your distance.”

Tony nose laughed, feeling ridiculous now that Thor had pointed it all out. Still, after he’d gotten to his feet to move his chair closer, he paused. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

“Do you?” And that was enough confirmation that it wasn’t that he needed. If Thor was chill, no one else really mattered because no matter how romantic they could get over it, Tony wasn’t going to get between the brothers’ relationship healing.

Yet, because it wasn’t a problem, he moved the chair and sat back down on it, taking Loki’s hand like he’d been wanting to for hours, rubbing his thumb over the top of his hand slowly.

With this half of the issues facing the team and beyond centered, his mind wandered off to Hydra, the fact no one knew what was going on with Steve and Natasha, and the ominous threat that all of them would be dead in a matter of twenty-four hours. Maybe Tony was taking it too lightly and it was probably because he put all of his energy towards Loki and the fact Hydra was still around was just so abstract to him.

They shouldn’t be, considering what they’d already done and were continuing to do over these last few days, but to him it all felt separate from what happened to Loki. Hydra was still this mustache-twirling organization that Cap defeated in comic books he grew up on even though they made history books too. It was just a simple fact that looking back on the past, Nazis felt real, Hydra felt like something made up for kids to enjoy. And this was all with knowing that it absolutely wasn’t like that at all. They were real, much more threatening, and, though they probably did quite a bit of monologuing and mustache twirling, their threats weren’t something to take lightly.

Which was shown by what happened to Loki. He frowned looking to his face, wishing he could know exactly what was going on, maybe there was more Loki knew about how they were going to try to kill everyone. Why did they go after him in the first place? They knew he was there probably because of Fury’s copy of the file and his collected homework, but why cause the whole diversion to single Loki out? Maybe it was just the poison itself. Loki had mentioned something about it being called “God Killer.”

Frowning, Tony lifted his hand, bending forward a bit to kiss it, then place it against his cheek. It wasn’t long after he felt the long fingers move and he pulled back, straightening up to look at his face. He noticed Thor do the same either because he felt Loki’s other hand move or noticed Tony’s change in position but they both leaned forward slightly, waiting for him to stir the rest of the way.

It wasn’t a dreamless sleep like before, but it was so much more evident that he wasn’t to die and there was relief in that more than the previous time. He knew with certainty so much more was waiting for him when he opened his eyes again. The more he needed to be ready to protect even if he had no knowledge of what to expect from Hydra next. Yet, they’d underestimated him and those that ensured his survival, so he had more than hope they would make that mistake once again.

Still, though knowing he was alive, he struggled to get away from the dreams that challenged him since he lost consciousness to the pain and his heart the last time. They filled in a number of the gaps: he remembered his dealing with Anderson on behalf of Strucker in full now, remembered what there was left to remember of his interaction with Tony, and remembered a number of murders he’d made along the way. Other parts his troubled unconsciousness were filled with scenarios like his torture faced at the hand of Thanos and at Odin’s word, all re-punishing him for the wrong deeds he remembered. Yet, instead of wishing it would consume him, he pushed back knowing that he only had to be strong alone with all of it so long as his eyes remained closed.

And then he felt it, pulling him away from what corners of his mind dug up and to the warmth at his hand, the softness of a kiss and the faint brush of facial hair. He moved his fingers, then the others that were held in another hand, focusing on them until the rest of his body caught up.

There wasn’t the soreness he expected, just heaviness, which was strange, but he supposed it could be normal with all of that happened, being particularly centered at his chest. He wondered how long it took the Fairs to get his heart healed considering he knew they’d had trouble, but he was grateful again for the care, in spite of his lasting disappointment in himself that once again he’d needed saving.

He managed to raise his eyelids, slowly blinking once as his eyes focused first on Thor to his left then Tony to his right. He smiled at them and he noticed the relief spread across their features as they smiled back, making him relieved too.

“Hey, spring onion,” Tony greeted softly.

“Hi,” he rasped out, wincing at the sound his voice made. He coughed, clearing his throat, but it made it even more evident how heavy his chest felt, even beyond the exhaustion heaviness. “My chest feels heavy…” He decided voicing it may be best to get answers, but he still looked down, noticing how the blanket tight against his chest had a bump in the middle.

“Yeah that’s uh… normal.” He looked over at him, noticing his smile falter a little. “You’ll get used to it… well I guess I got used to it.”

Loki cocked an eyebrow before he looked down at himself again, removing his hands from the others’ grasps to push himself up to a seat, but Thor caught his wrist and he turned his gaze to him.

“Slowly,” he cautioned, but he pulled his arm back out of his grasp and started pushing himself up again in spite of the weight he felt.

He managed to get mostly into a sit before the blanket fell from his chest, revealing a familiar bright blue light that contrasted the dimness of the room. His eyes widened a little, taking it in from the angle he was able to turn his head to, slowly opening his mouth, only taking in a deep breath of air, watching it as it rose and fell with his chest.

The room was silent, he couldn’t even hear the other two breathing, just his own breath and his brain trying to return from the shock. Part of him wanted the other two to say something, cause him to say something rather than watch him stare at his own chest and the brilliantly blue item that was its new extension. He lifted his right hand, traced the metal that outlined it, and then ran his fingers along the glass of the front, feeling the soft vibrations. All stunning as Tony’s was, keeping him alive, strange yet almost comforting in its place on the middle of his chest.

He felt himself shake, coming down from the shock, realizing the room was just the slightest bit brisk without a shirt, perhaps natural with exhaustion and the absence of the spike of adrenaline. It was nothing he took too much notice of, still mesmerized by the light like the one protecting Tony’s heart, that had protected him from his mind-controlled maliciousness over a year ago, that protected him still from those weapon fragments every minute of every day.

“Shit we should’ve got you a shirt,” he heard him say then the sharp sounds of a zipper.

Eyebrows drawing together, he looked up as Tony threw the sweatshirt he’d had on across his back, draped over his shoulders. His eyes found the blue light through his shirt, becoming trained to that for a time until Tony stepped back, turning away, busying himself with something on the tray near the bed.

“I kinda wrecked a bunch of buttons on the one you had on early, sorry. Gus is fixing it though… guess he does that… when he’s stressed.”

Loki nodded, though he was lost to the conversation, the male twin’s habits and his shirt trivial to him at the moment. Instead he decided to redirect to the more pressing topic, quietly asking, “Why?”

He noticed Tony stiffen at the question, back still facing him, no indication of him planning on turning to face him. “It was uh… all I could think of. All really anyone could think of. We couldn’t heal you so we had to have something to help your heart run that wasn’t going to require a constant jump start.”

He misunderstood the “why.” Loki supposed the answer could work for his intention too, but he could tell how he understood it was eating at him, making him think he wasn’t grateful. Or, at the very least, make him think he wasn’t keen on the solution he’d gone with. The real reason was far more self deprecating on Loki’s part that he wished he hadn’t asked it now for the misunderstanding and realization that of course Tony would do this to save him no matter if Loki thought he deserved it or not.

Opening his mouth, he stretched his arm out to him, but wasn’t able to touch him before he was already on his way to the door. He was left, holding his hand in the air as Tony paused in the doorway still not looking back. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t of…” And he was gone before Loki could even call after him.


	17. End of Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Tony work to ensure a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's the end of "part one." for me it's easier to just think of it that way and split things up like that. i have plans for the beginning, but i'm going to be spending a lot of time figuring out what i really want "part two" to be and what the arch will be. i have vague parts of things i want to do and have happen in the future of the fic, so it's really just deciding how it's gonna go and i know, as endgame approaches, things will start influencing that future as well as i try to fix my sorrow and mourning with fic as i'm sure many of us will do.
> 
> and for the sake of getting to ramble-y and potentially giving away anything going on with the future plot, imma stop going on about that bit.
> 
> as for this chapter, it's pretty short, but anything i thought to do to go forward just felt forced and i kinda wanted to end it where i did. it is a bit i don't want to say cliff hanger-y, but that's mostly because, assuming everyone knows the winter soldier, we know how that part ends. and i will be getting the next part started soon, as soon as next week so long as i have time.
> 
> i know exactly how i want the first few chapters to go so they should come as quickly as i have time to write. as i'm still hunting for a job, things can be unpredictable. with all that being said, would potentially starting a tumblr for updates help everyone?? i also am open to starting up a discord server too if that's something people are interested in. otherwise, i'm always monitoring my comments, so if you ever want an update or have a question, i'm more than happy to answer. i want to thank everyone in advanced for your patience moving forward.
> 
> and i want to thank you all for your continued support and interest, it means a lot to me! and as always, i hope you enjoy!!

The thing Loki hated most about this situation was the fact Thor decided to be too attentive. He wanted to go after Tony and clear his miss spoken word up, but his brother insisted that he rest and it all could be sorted later. Yet, Loki knew whatever guilt Tony had saddled himself with was eating away at him with each growing second, minute and it was enough add to Loki’s own guilt.

Aside from the guilt and the weight of it, there was the remaining threat that Anderson had thrown at him. His friends were to die and, given what had happened to him, he was sure they had the means to ensure it. He wanted to do what he could to prevent it, but more than anything he didn’t want to waste time apart from Tony should it be his final hours and he didn’t want him to die thinking he hated what he’d done to save him.

So, he sat there, rested against the raised bed, sweatshirt still over his shoulders, contemplating how to get a moment alone from Thor to sneak away while gently running his fingers along the arc reactor. He wasn’t sure how just sitting there staring at him was productive and even if Loki didn’t have his worries over Tony, he wasn’t too keen on being watched as if he were an infant.

“Are you not expected back on Asgard?” he said, breaking the silence, eyes meeting his.

“Perhaps,” he responded. “This is more important and I’m here under the guise that Midgardians, especially my friends, need my aid, which is also true.”

“How much aid are you if you’re here staring needlessly at me?”

“Loki, I’ve almost lost you, again, and I’m only ensuring you don’t harm yourself.”

“I’m  _ not _ a child.” His eyes narrowed, dropping his hand from his chest down to the bed where it balled into a fist. “I feel tired, but it’s hardly anything close to killing me.”

“Then rest.”

He huffed out his nose, but looked away, loosened the fist, and crossed his arms. “I’m unsure how you expect me to, at all, while you’re here and I’ve nothing to do besides revel in our silence.” He hugged himself tighter. “And I’m cold.”

“What do you wish me to do about that? There’s more blankets here?”

“I want my own shirt and books.”

He turned to look at Thor then and saw him narrowing his eyes, clearly suspicious.

“What? You simply can’t expect me to sit here without a thing to do. Either you must let me leave this room or trust I’ll be here when you return.”

He still had his eyes narrowed, but glanced to the door. Eventually he sighed and looked back at him. “Is there a specific book you wish for?”

“There’s one I’ve been wishing to read titled Les Miserables. Rather large, long. It’s on the shelf towards the front.”

Thor glanced to the door again, sighing, rising. He gave Loki one last pointed look to which he rolled his eyes, turning away, only listening to the sound of Thor’s steps until they were gone.

Slowly, he turned his head to the doorway to confirm he was actually gone before he kicked the blanket from his legs, slid his arms through the sleeves of Tony’s sweatshirt, and rose from the bed. He placed his hand over the reactor in his chest, almost like he was instinctively holding it there though it didn’t need to be, still unused to the sensation from it. He knew he had a bit more time because Thor wouldn’t find the book on the shelf, moved - since Loki had already read it - to make room for more, until his brother realized that he had sent him on an impossible task.

Zipping up the sweatshirt about half way - the article was a bit loose on him even though it was short - he glanced towards the meeting room across the hall, not seeing any sign of Tony, only seeing Gus Fair and Banner. Pursing his lips together, he turned, planning to distance himself from the med room before Thor learned of his trick so he could ask JARVIS where Tony was then, but he almost ran right into Barton.

“He’s in the workshop,” he said and Loki blinked in response. “Tony, you know? He’s in his workshop.”

“Oh,” Loki responded, smiling lightly. “Thank you.”

“No problem and I’ll tell Thor you went to the pool unless JARVIS rats you out.”

_ “I’ll do no such thing.” _

Loki grinned at that before he moved past him to the stairs.

“Hey, looks good.” He turned back to look at him, confused, and he pointed at his chest to clarify.

“I agree.” With that, the two parted, Loki heading to the elevator before it lowered to the correct floor and he headed in the direction of the workshop.

_ “Sir.” _

Tony sighed, but continued plugging code away. “I know it’s really convoluted, but if someone’s gonna try again I’m giving them a maze to the new steel wall protecting you.”

_ “Sir.” _

“And it’s not just any maze either. One with fire and murder clowns.”

“I would love to hear how you intend to accomplish that.” Tony jumped a little, hearing Loki’s voice before he turned to face him.

He couldn’t stop his lips from curling upward as his heart pounded harder. Loki’s long hair was wavy about his shoulders, resting in front and behind his shoulders about the hood and ties of his hoodie, miraculously well kept looking in spite of everything he’d been through in the last hours. The hoodie itself was unzipped half-way to his belly button, showing off his bare chest, slightly shorter than he’d wear, but rested just on top of his tight pants. The arc reactor was glowing, perfectly centered between his pecs, barely scarred - thanks to the Fairs - skin surrounding it. His green eyes sparkled a bit as he smiled a cautious smile, his hands resting in the pockets of the hoodie.

He swallowed, shaking his head. “Well first, I have to find really scary clowns… not that that’s hard… and then I uh…” His eyes landed on the arc reactor again and he sighed softly. “I’ll find a way to fix it.”

He noticed Loki’s smile falter then fade entirely and he had to look away from him completely, choosing the floor. “Fix what?” he asked, though Tony had a feeling he knew exactly what.

“Your heart. I mean I’m not a doctor like Strangelove that helped tonight… or er, last night, but I mean your heart thing and the poison… I mean there’s gotta be another solution. I mean we’d just have to figure out the hole in your chest that I stupidly said we should put there, but…” He noticed he was rambling and stopped himself even though he wanted to continue.

“I’m certain there’s not another solution and I haven’t the need for one.”

He knew there was no reason for him to think like that. Of course he’d need the other solution if it came up and Tony wasn’t about to let himself think there wasn’t one even if it was true because Loki deserved better.

“I’ve upset you and I apologize. You’ve done the world for me and I was indelicate.”

“Loki, you have every right to be upset with what I did.”

“I am not, in any sense of the word, upset with you. How could I be?”

He closed his eyes. “Because I messed up your life. I knew exactly how much this sucked to get used to and how hard it is to live with and I just-”

He was stopped when he felt cool lips against his, pressed so hard and fierce that they felt more hot and burning. And no sooner had they connected, they retracted and his eyes shot open to connect with Loki’s as he sat back on his heels in front of him.

“You’ve saved my life. This-” Loki touched his arc reactor. “-is ensuring my heart continues to beat because it is incapable on its own. They intended that poison to be strong enough to kill me and it would have were it not for you. I owe you my life once again, Anthony Stark.”

Tony stared back at him, opening his mouth, but then closing it because he knew all he’d say was something to counter what Loki just said.

And instead, he went on to speak more to solidify his argument. “When I asked ‘why,’ my confusion was over why you’d chosen to put the greatest weapon for your enemies against you in my chest, not due to anything ill I felt toward your actions. I asked you ‘why’ thinking poorly of myself when I shouldn’t have dared that either. I know how much you think of me and I certainly don’t make myself worthy by thinking the opposite.”

He reached up and touched Tony’s reactor and in reaction he placed his hand over his. Loki smiled then and he was sure his heart skipped a beat seeing it. “This is your keeper and I’m honored to share in it.”

He shook his head, reaching with his free hand to take hold of Loki’s cheek. “You romantic asshole.” He leaned down toward him before he had to guided him up the rest of the way to his lips, Loki smiling against his lips.

They kissed, one kissing, the other kissing back, taking a breath two different times like that until eventually Loki pulled back, resting his forehead against Tony’s.

He took a couple deep breaths before he spoke, “I’ve no clue how we’re to arm against Hydra’s threat and I’m afraid.”

Tony sighed, pulling back as he sat up, releasing Loki’s hand and cheek, reaching to his left for the wheeled stool, moving it closer to him, guiding Loki up and to sit on it, taking his hands, pulling him around to his other side. He motioned towards the screen in front of him with the new coding for JARVIS’ security. “This is a re-work of the security for the tower. Now, whoever Fury had help him get that file on you, must’ve put in a bug through that opening I didn’t catch because all this took the same path.”

Loki nodded. “They’re in SHIELD.”

“Cool, glad that theory’s correct.” He wasn’t really glad, but it was better to have something confirmed.

“I wish I remembered what I do now before they did this.”

“I do too, but that’s not your fault. Just as the security breach really isn’t JARVIS’ fault.”

_ “However, I am sorry for it, Loki.” _

“I forgive you, of course.” He smiled then leaned on Tony’s shoulder.

“Anderson, I suppose he was the leader of the party sent to kill me, but before when we spoke, he was in liaison to Baron von Strucker. He’s in possession of the staff I brought to Midgard.” He felt Tony nod along so he decided to add what more he knew. “They’ve managed to use it to create two powered individuals and I’m certain they’ve lost - or fear they’re losing - control of them.”

“So the staff can do more than control minds?”

“Yes and no, it’s merely the vessel for the stone inside. Like the Tessaract, it’s what Thanos, and I’m sure others that know of their existence, call Infinity Stones.” And he sought them and now that Loki had lost him two? His promises of something worse than pain struck him until he reminded himself that Hydra was more severe at the moment. Finding it best to tuck the titan back again as if ignoring him would be best. “They’re powerful stone-like objects tied to an aspect of the universe. On their own, they’re mighty, but together? Hydra seeks them, but I doubt they’ll ever possess more than they have.”

“Still a problem though.”

Loki hummed, turning his head to look as far as he could about the workshop while it still rested on Tony’s shoulder. His eyes found and paused on one of the gauntlets of his suit standing up on a worktable. “They mean to harm you and I wish to protect you, but I fear without my magic I’m far more of a liability than I could hope to be a protector.”

“You’re not a liability. Shit’s just happened to you, shit happens to everyone, but it doesn’t make anyone a liability.”

“Still, it’s become evident that I won’t have my powers returned to me, at least not for a long while...”

“Which is bullshit.”

Loki turned his head slightly so he could just barely look up at his face, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, sorry, continue.”

Laughing, he lifted his head and kissed his cheek then laid it back down. “I think the solution to my trouble should be more fitting to where I now call home since it will not be how I wish it.” He returned his gaze to the gauntlet.

They were both quiet for a moment until Tony made a noise of understanding. “Are you saying you want a suit?”

“More or less. Perhaps something you find fitting to me?”

It really only made sense, Loki wanting to arm himself after everything that’s happened and what more was supposedly going to happen, Tony couldn’t really ignore the idea. It was a thought that’d crossed his mind anyway. But a suit in full seemed too clunky for Loki, the god being as lean and agile as he was strong. Though it was hard to imagine Thor in a full suit because the lightning was his thing and he was imposing enough without it, he could see that more fitting to him. Loki needed something powerful, but quiet and stealthy enough until it was too late. Something that, when Hydra or whoever else comes for the group, was like a black cat in the dark.

“Alright, Jarv, you’re on adding clown duty and I also want you running a timer like that water one, but it’s for kisses. We’re arming Loki up or dying while we try.”

He could feel Loki’s head move as he swallowed at the latter sentiment so he threw his arm around him, squeezing his shoulder, using it to tell him they’re going to be finishing this without coming even close to dying.

Loki sought comfort in it, let himself believe that with everything he knew and other things he could assume, they wouldn’t be touched and for the sake of everything, things he could control and others he couldn’t, he figures it’s best to live in the moment with Tony by his side as they worked on arming him. His mind could drift to the future and would because he would make use of this armour to its fullest and beyond.

And when they make it through this, he would tell himself until the inevitable happened, there was still a long road of fighting he was prepared to do, against any wishes there may be otherwise, because what he knew Hydra still has, and what he could only figure they’re smart enough not to risk, their enhanced and the poison. Even if this were to end in his death - in spite of Tony’s and the doctors’ insurance his heart would keep going - along with the death of the others, he knew he wouldn’t find peace, not yet.

“Do you think it possible to conceal daggers instead of guns and rockets?”


End file.
